I know it's tradition for me to give you ten delicious Halloween handout suggestions each year, treats to give to all the adorable costumed kids who parade through the neighborhood, but this year, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, all Halloween treats are to be replaced
with tricks. Sorry, I don't make the rules. (Or do I?)
Anyway, as the tradition is "Trick-or-Treat" the option to go exclusively with tricks was always there, we just needed a reason to use it. So with that in
mind, instead of ten treat ideas, here are ten easy, socially distanced trick ideas you can use to
frighten off any crawly little germ carriers that come creeping round
your Hollow this 'Ween.
Oh, and it should go without saying, but set up a video camera. You're destined for TikTok virality with these tricks!
A Massive Pile of Old Magazines
Everyone has at least one old grandma who's been hoarding magazines since the 1950's. Make a huge mound just inside your fence, barring entry, and surround it with tripwire attached to firecrackers, set to go off any time anyone gets close. It's important that you don't let anyone actually take the magazines, Grammy Gladiolas needs those back. They could be worth something someday.
Oh, and it should go without saying, but set up a video camera. You're destined for TikTok virality with these tricks!
~
A Plastic Bag Fulla Pumpkin Guts
Load that sucker into a trebuchet, and launch it at whenever a germy little gremlin trespasses across your yard. Bonus points if you manage to hit them.
A Swarm of Holographic Bees
This is exactly what it sounds like. Set up a projector with a fog machine, a copy of John Williams' "Realistic Swarm of Bees" soundtrack, and voila. The most visceral Halloween terror of all. Nature.
Sort of.
Rotten Eggs & Mustard Balloons
The old standbys. Sometimes the classics are the best. Just chuck those puppies out a two story window and wait for the police to show up. You won't get away with this one, but it will be worth it.
Non-Dairy Creamer
No this isn't a treat, even though non-dairy creamer is a dusty delight, on Halloween it's a perfect rugrat repellent. You'll need about a 3 ton pile of Vaguely Vanilla™, as well as an industrial fan with a motion activated sensor. I think you can see where I'm going with this. *PLOOF!* Classic!
No this isn't a treat, even though non-dairy creamer is a dusty delight, on Halloween it's a perfect rugrat repellent. You'll need about a 3 ton pile of Vaguely Vanilla™, as well as an industrial fan with a motion activated sensor. I think you can see where I'm going with this. *PLOOF!* Classic!
A Tiger Pit
Dig a ten foot pit in your front yard, cover it with a tarp and leaves, and wait. Little Suzy won't know what got her. Oh, and put some pillows in the pit of course. You're not a monster.
I hope.
Dig a ten foot pit in your front yard, cover it with a tarp and leaves, and wait. Little Suzy won't know what got her. Oh, and put some pillows in the pit of course. You're not a monster.
I hope.
Everyone has at least one old grandma who's been hoarding magazines since the 1950's. Make a huge mound just inside your fence, barring entry, and surround it with tripwire attached to firecrackers, set to go off any time anyone gets close. It's important that you don't let anyone actually take the magazines, Grammy Gladiolas needs those back. They could be worth something someday.
Plutarch Heavensbee
Just hire an actor to sit behind a raised podium in your yard, and interview passing children as if they are about to enter the Hunger Games. Hilarious!
Just hire an actor to sit behind a raised podium in your yard, and interview passing children as if they are about to enter the Hunger Games. Hilarious!
Dollies
Just fill your yard with hundreds of old fashioned, antique baby dolls. Position them in vaguely unsettling configurations, and have a speaker playing an adorable little voice repeating, "Mamma! Mamma!" "Feed me! Feed me!" "Baby needs a change!" And
Just fill your yard with hundreds of old fashioned, antique baby dolls. Position them in vaguely unsettling configurations, and have a speaker playing an adorable little voice repeating, "Mamma! Mamma!" "Feed me! Feed me!" "Baby needs a change!" And
"¡̩̗̂̕D͓̒ark̫̀ ̫̈́Lor̼̽d̈͜,̙͝ w͕̒e ̻̅b̻̿e͖̊see̠̾c̼̀h̟͂ ̈͜ṯ͋hi̯̾ne̳̐ ̳͘ǐ̗n̻͘t̐͢e̛͕rv̪̂ȩ̔nt̳͑iö̫n ̅͢i̧̅n ̱͛th͚̚e̱̽ ̳̈́m͚̒or̈́͟t̜͂al͇̽ ̨̆r̭̐ë̟́ḁ̐l͖̇m̜͛!̼͂"
No child will get anywhere near your
house again.
A Clown Ballet
As clowns are obviously not human, they cannot get or spread Covid-19, so there's no need for them to self-isolate. Gather a large crowd of them in your front yard to perform the classic clown ballet, Honk Lake, which features an ordinary clown that is magically transformed into a Volkswagen Beetle. The passing children will not know how to handle the beautiful representation of a foreign culture, and will be so entranced, they will no longer attempt to mooch candy off your porch.
Vegan Candy
The ultimate trick. They think they're getting a delicious treat, and bam! Carob chips and unsalted almonds! Just make sure you light the whole container on fire the next day. You don't want to risk getting any diseases potentially left behind in your bowl. Also it's vegan, so, you know, gross.
~
So there you go, these are my suggestions for all the various tricks you can play on passing children this year. I know it's not the same as the wonderful treat suggestions that I usually give, but these are extraordinary times, and we all must adapt.
If you want to look back on the way things used to be, you could read all my sweet suggestions from previous years, and wax nostalgic for all the delicious ideas I've given you.
Hopefully we can return to normal next
year, and I can suggest more wonderful Halloween handouts, like a full pan of
steaming hot lasagna, a used dish sponge, and a homemade egg salad
medley complete with eggshells for extra crunch and texture. Mmmmm...
I'm getting hungry! See you next year!
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