If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015
On to the post!
Are you sick of trying to figure out what to hand out to all those irritating little humans that come around begging for things every single October 31st? It's SO annoying! Both the kids, and having to figure out what to buy them. But don't worry, I got u, fam. Whoops, sorry, slipped into some annoying teen lingo there. I've been on the internet too long. I mean, I've got you covered. Just follow any of these ten excellent ideas, and you'll be all set for another year of trick-or-treaters.
And as always, don't try any of these yourself, unless you like traumatizing children, receiving multiple lawsuits from angry parents, and visits from the police.
Cereal - When you open the door, make sure you are in your robe and pajamas, no matter what time of day it is. Sleepily look at the child as they say the traditional, "Trick-or treat!" greeting and then wearily reply, "Good morning sweetie. Did you want bran flakes or oatmeal this morning?" While the child is confused, dump some All Bran and milk into their treat bag, and slowly walk back inside, yawning and scratching your behind, forgetting to close the door.
A Flock of Live Chickens - If you're anything like me, you probably have an entire flock of chickens that you are absolutely sick to death of. It's such a common problem! Well have I got the solution for you! Just use halloween as an excuse to get rid of them! Hand every rotten little candy-beggar a chicken, and do not take it back, no matter how loud the kid screams as the chicken flaps and pecks them all over. If you'd like to traumatize as few children as possible, just choose one unlucky little kid to unleash the entire flock on! Open the door and just shove the clucking, cackling, flapping, squawking, pecking, mass out into the night! The kid will probably run away crying, and the chickens, sensing their fear, will follow like a flock of tiny little raptors, chasing after their prey. And that's it! You're chicken free!
A Slice of American Cheese - When you hear the doorbell ring, open the door as quickly as you can and splap one slice of unwrapped American cheese right in the kid's face and then slam the door.
Grandma's Dentures - This one only requires the cooperation of grandma, and her willingness to part with her false teeth. Just have her go to the door, and when the child says, "Trick-or-treat!" have her slowly remover her dentures and drop them in the child's bag, creepily making eye contact with them the entire time. When the child's mouth drops open in horror, have her say, "That's what CANDY does to ya, kid!" and then cackle evilly, walking backwards into the house, closing the door behind her.
A Fingernail Clipping - When the doorbell rings, answer the door dressed like a hillbilly's uncle. Clip one fingernail, drop it into the kid's bag, and then go back inside, never even saying a word.
A Broken Chainsaw - First you'll need to make sure the teeth have been removed from the chainsaw, you don't want angry parents coming after you with their lawyers again, not after that chicken incident. When a kid comes your door, a child who you feels most deserves a non-working chainsaw, then pull it out and yank the cord violently in their direction. When it doesn't work, stare at it disappointedly and say, "Oh well. I guess I don't need this one anymore." Then hand it to them as you close the door. Once back inside, begin screaming as loudly and shrilly as possible.
Negative Candies - For this one, you just remove candy from the kid's bag. Tell them you're teaching them about taxes or something.
A Popped Can of Biscuits - When you answer the door, pull out a can of biscuits, and bash it up against the side of the house until it pops, then plop several biscuit blobs into each child's bag. Look the kids straight in the eye and say, "Don't do drugs, kids." Then go back inside while they stare, open-mouthed.
An Orangutan Named Gerald McFingers - Admittedly this one is a stretch, but if you can find an orangutan named Gerald McFingers, give it to a kid on Halloween. You will make that kid's entire year.
Toilet Paper - For this one all you need to do is hand out the toilet paper instead of candy to trick-or-treaters, and wait for the inevitable backlash from the nasty little candy-crazed, greed-mutants. Just sit upstairs by an open window in the dark, and wait for them to start vandalizing your home. As soon as the first roll is tossed, just blast it with a full powered spray from your industrial strength flamethrower, disintegrating it immediately. For added effect, make sure you are blaring Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries at full volume on your 1997 Bose Acoustic Wave radio, and scream-laughing like the Joker hopped up on his own laughing gas. It will be a Halloween those kids will never forget.