Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas 2020 - PANDEMIC EDITION!

I know it's tradition for me to give you ten delicious Halloween handout suggestions each year, treats to give to all the adorable costumed kids who parade through the neighborhood, but this year, due to the Covid-19 pandemic, all Halloween treats are to be replaced with tricks. Sorry, I don't make the rules. (Or do I?)

Anyway, as the tradition is "Trick-or-Treat" the option to go exclusively with tricks was always there, we just needed a reason to use it. So with that in mind, instead of ten treat ideas, here are ten easy, socially distanced trick ideas you can use to frighten off any crawly little germ carriers that come creeping round your Hollow this 'Ween.

Oh, and it should go without saying, but set up a video camera. You're destined for TikTok virality with these tricks!

~

A Plastic Bag Fulla Pumpkin Guts

Load that sucker into a trebuchet, and launch it at whenever a germy little gremlin trespasses across your yard. Bonus points if you manage to hit them.

A Swarm of Holographic Bees

This is exactly what it sounds like. Set up a projector with a fog machine, a copy of John Williams' "Realistic Swarm of Bees" soundtrack, and voila. The most visceral Halloween terror of all. Nature.

Sort of. 

Rotten Eggs & Mustard Balloons

The old standbys. Sometimes the classics are the best. Just chuck those puppies out a two story window and wait for the police to show up. You won't get away with this one, but it will be worth it.

Non-Dairy Creamer
No this isn't a treat, even though non-dairy creamer is a dusty delight, on Halloween it's a perfect rugrat repellent. You'll need about a 3 ton pile of Vaguely Vanilla™, as well as an industrial fan with a motion activated sensor. I think you can see where I'm going with this. *PLOOF!* Classic!

A Tiger Pit
Dig a ten foot pit in your front yard, cover it with a tarp and leaves, and wait. Little Suzy won't know what got her. Oh, and put some pillows in the pit of course. You're not a monster.
I hope.

A Massive Pile of Old Magazines
Everyone has at least one old grandma who's been hoarding magazines since the 1950's. Make a huge mound just inside your fence, barring entry, and surround it with tripwire attached to firecrackers, set to go off any time anyone gets close. It's important that you don't let anyone actually take the magazines, Grammy Gladiolas needs those back. They could be worth something someday.

Plutarch Heavensbee
Just hire an actor to sit behind a raised podium in your yard, and interview passing children as if they are about to enter the Hunger Games. Hilarious!

Dollies
Just fill your yard with hundreds of old fashioned, antique baby dolls. Position them in vaguely unsettling configurations, and have a speaker playing an adorable little voice repeating, "Mamma! Mamma!" "Feed me! Feed me!" "Baby needs a change!" And

"¡̩̗̂̕D͓̒ark̫̀ ̫̈́Lor̼̽d̈͜,̙͝ w͕̒e ̻̅b̻̿e͖̊see̠̾c̼̀h̟͂ ̈͜ṯ͋hi̯̾ne̳̐ ̳͘ǐ̗n̻͘t̐͢e̛͕rv̪̂ȩ̔nt̳͑iö̫n ̅͢i̧̅n ̱͛th͚̚e̱̽ ̳̈́m͚̒or̈́͟t̜͂al͇̽ ̨̆r̭̐ë̟́ḁ̐l͖̇m̜͛!̼͂"

No child will get anywhere near your house again.

A Clown Ballet
As clowns are obviously not human, they cannot get or spread Covid-19, so there's no need for them to self-isolate. Gather a large crowd of them in your front yard to perform the classic clown ballet, Honk Lake, which features an ordinary clown that is magically transformed into a Volkswagen Beetle. The passing children will not know how to handle the beautiful representation of a foreign culture, and will be so entranced, they will no longer attempt to mooch candy off your porch.

Vegan Candy
The ultimate trick. They think they're getting a delicious treat, and bam! Carob chips and unsalted almonds! Just make sure you light the whole container on fire the next day. You don't want to risk getting any diseases potentially left behind in your bowl. Also it's vegan, so, you know, gross.

~

So there you go, these are my suggestions for all the various tricks you can play on passing children this year. I know it's not the same as the wonderful treat suggestions that I usually give, but these are extraordinary times, and we all must adapt.

If you want to look back on the way things used to be, you could read all my sweet suggestions from previous years, and wax nostalgic for all the delicious ideas I've given you.

2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018 - 2019

Hopefully we can return to normal next year, and I can suggest more wonderful Halloween handouts, like a full pan of steaming hot lasagna, a used dish sponge, and a homemade egg salad medley complete with eggshells for extra crunch and texture. Mmmmm... I'm getting hungry! See you next year!

Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas 2019

I feel like I write this every year, but for some reason, every time Halloween rolls around, I somehow realize that I forgot this series was a thing. It is one of my favorite series I write, but every year I get busier, and since it's not a regular thing, I need to be reminded each time Halloween rolls around. However, this time, I remembered at the beginning of the month! On October 3rd I was bored at work, scrolling back through my blog, found the post and realized that this was the month! So with a month to plan, will I be able to write the post in time? I guess we'll see!

Edit: I finished on the 28th! I can't believe it! I doubt I'll be this prepared next year!

If you're new to this series, every year I compile a list of treats for you to hand out to the little beggar children who come creeping around your house, shaking you down for candy. Since I'm sure you want to stand out from the crowd, here are ten unique treats that will be sure to have the town talking about your wonderful creativosity! That's a thing, right?

If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017 - 2018

A Trowel - Did you forget to buy candy this year? Did you accidentally leave your porch light on, beckoning all the little children to your door? Is one standing there right now with their little hand outstretched, looking at you with big, sad eyes? Do you still have that trowel on your front porch that your husband forgot to put away after he finished potting the tulip bulbs for the winter? Give them that. Then shut off your lights! You can't afford to be giving away all the random garden tools that Richard leaves on the porch!

Several Dead Leaves - This time of year, nature drops her splendor all around us, free for anyone to gather and give as we please! Sure, these kids could pick up their own dead leaves, but it will mean so much more when it comes from your heart. Or something. I don't know, I'm trying to think of some sentimental options okay?

Sage Life Advice - With age comes wisdom, so the older you are, the more wisdom you have to share! What better day to share this wisdom than on Halloween, when children come to your door, asking for treats. I think a good, memorable platitude could be one of the best treats you can give.

Ha! Yeah, sorry. I couldn't do this one with a straight face. You'd get paper mache'd for sure. That's like getting toilet paper'd, except with more glue and hatred.

A Hug - How about a hug? That's a good treat, right? No? Oh yeah. Stranger danger. What was I thinking!? Sorry! We're done with the sentimental stuff. Back to some more sensible, traditional options.

Cardamom Pods - I heard about them on a cooking show once. They're probably a good baking ingredient, like for cookies? Kids love cookies! They also love stealing chocolate chips while you're trying to make the cookies, so they'll probably love these too! No stealing required! Except for your heart when they tearfully thank you for your selfless generosity.

An Old Car - Do you have a beat up old junker sitting around on your front lawn that you don't know what to do with? I know my Uncle Jed'thro does! And Aunt Shirline wants that thing out of her flower patch, so it needs to get gone now!

The first thing you need to do is get the title for the car. I know it's a pain, but you need to go through that pile of papers in the basement at some point before you die! Next you need to fill it out completely to get it ready to sign over to the next un lucky little kid who comes to your door! Once one shows up, have them write their name, hand them the title, and tell them no take backs! That makes everything legally binding, and their parents can't say anything about it!

Recycled Parade Candy - This one takes some planning and several assistants, but if you have kids of your own, this is a cinch. It's free, and it's recycling, so you're basically saving the earth! You're a hero!

Anyway, next time the county fair throws their annual parade, set up checkpoints all around the parade route with several volunteers. Or unwilling children. Whatever is easiest. Gather candy as it is pitched over the sides of various firetrucks, tractors, and rickety trailers full of screaming kids and mediocre sousaphone players.

To make sure you get the most candy, be sure to pay attention to the floats manned by local politicians, and beauty queens, and beware of the ones manned by terrifying dental mascots. I'm talking about you, Bucky the Braces Beaver! You know what you did! Your horrifying, sadistic, pearly-white smile is fooling no one!

NO ONE!!!

Ahem...

Sorry about that.

Anyway, as soon as you hit the end of the parade at your checkpoint, get yourself to the other end of the route as fast as you can and keep on collecting that sweet, free parade candy! If your entire team does this, you should be set for at LEAST this Halloween, if not the next one as well! Just put the candy in your pantry for the next 4 to 16 months, and reuse it! It'll be totally fine. Parade candy is already halfway to fossilization anyway, it basically preserves itself.

Caviar - This tip is for the rich people only. I know there aren't that many of you left, but the few that remain have more money than you'll ever be able to spend in your lifetime. Therefore, you should spend it on the juiciest treat, that kids love to eat, caviar!

           🎵    🎵
*Whimsical Music Cue*
           🎵    🎵 

🎵 - Ooooooh...
🎵 - Theeeeey....
🎵 - Pop in your teeth!
🎵 - They're from fathoms beneath!
🎵 - They're the tiniest eggs
🎵 - That you ever will eat!
🎵 - So sweet and delicious,
🎵 - They taste like the fishes!
🎵 - Caviar! Caviar! Ca-vi-ar!

"It's the juiciest treat, that kids love to eat, caviar!
Available wherever luxury fish chunks are sold."

Dimes - This tip is for poor people only. I know there are a lot of you around these days, and you have less money than you'll ever be able to earn in your lifetime. Therefore, to save money, just give out dimes to the children. They won't mind. Children are born with an inherent understanding of poverty and the stressful financial situations that arise this time of year. They'll appreciate that you tried. 💕

Just kidding. Children are monsters, and will hate your very existence for denying them the sweet, sweet taste of a fun-sized Caramello. Also, what kind of Rich Uncle Pennybags do we think we are? Who can afford to be giving entire dimes away like that!? Lock your doors and shut off all your lights until November 2nd.

Dirt - This tip is for the vagrant that lives by the railroad tracks only. I know there's only one of you, and you may actually just be a family of raccoons in a trenchcoat, so... Um... Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Dirt. Give them dirt.

Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas 2018

For some reason, every year, a day or two before Halloween, this year it was 5, I am somehow reminded that this series is a thing. Even though it's one of my favorite things I write on this blog, since it only happens once a year, I end up completely forgetting about it by November first, which means that I end up rediscovering it like a day or two before Halloween the next year and scrambling to write a whole new post in time. So far I haven't missed one since it began, but every year I wonder if this one will be the last before I forget it completely.

If you're new to this series, every year, out of the kindness of my heart, I compile a list of unique treats for you to hand out to the little spooks and goblins who come creepin' round your back stair. Sorry. That was a Homestar reference, which was in itself a reference to something else. Either way, here are ten treats that are sure to make your house THE talk of the town for all the night beggars this Malloween. Sorry that was another Homestar reference. I'll stop now. Maybe.

If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017

Jiklebeanz & Twibblejinx - I don't know what these are, but they sound like something that a kid would love. I'd say find some of those to hand out, and your Halloween is sorted!

A Tweed Jumper - This one is for Britishes only. Americans only have sweaters, and those are no fun at all.

Insomnia - Most children hate going to sleep, so while you might hate the thought of lying awake until all hours of the night, children everywhere envy your commitment to the wonders of awakeness! The hardest part will be removing your own insomnia in order to gift it to the children, but I'm sure there are ways. The internet is like, super-smart about this science stuff. Just look it up.

Aunt Eggetha's Stamp Collection - You know you want to get rid of that thing. The pages are turning a brownish yellow, and the stamps themselves have no monetary value, since Great Aunt Eggetha licked them all to stick into her scrap book. Aunt Bivvia told her to get a proper collection and some archival-quality materials to catalog the stamps, but Aunt Eggetha just liked the pretty pictures and wouldn't listen. Now they're both dead and for some reason they left this junk to you in the will, along with Great Uncle Egger's whistling banjo. You know what? Let's get rid of that thing too. Some weird little kid out there will probably appreciate that creepy thing, whistling along to itself eerily in the middle of the night. Just give that gross book and the unsettling instrument to the next pair of kids who come along begging for candy. Sugar is bad for them anyway.

A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®©

Did you forget to buy Halloween candy again? I know I did! (Actually I'm lying, I didn't forget, I just hate hate buying things for strange children.) If you're like me, and you have nothing to hand out to all the greedy little gremlins who won't stop pounding on your door, then you need A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© 

A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is available wherever fine dirt clods are found. Backyards, quarries, public parks, sometimes they can even be found near local dumpsters! All you have you do to get your own A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is to dig up a generous mound of dirt with your own two hands, and squirt it with a hose! 

Throughout the many several decades of human history, children have relished playing in A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© so why not continue this hallowed tradition, this next hollowed eve. A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is all you need for your visitors to have good, clean holiday fun this Halloween. (I'm lying again, they're going to be filthy and their parents will hate you.) 

Eggs - It's called a preemptive strike. I'm sure I don't need to explain this one to you.

Goose Eggs - For when things escalate.

Ostrich Eggs - A very last resort.

Lobster Bisque - This next treat is not for everyone, as it will require a lot of prep and set-up time, not to mention some extensive home renovations. The biggest hurdle will be the installation of the large bisque faucet onto your front porch. After you get that out of the way, really, the only thing you have to do is fill the bisque basin with the best bisque you can buy. Or the cheapest. After all, this bisque is going to be dispensed directly into a plastic pumpkin that is already full of chocolate and religious pamphlets, and once it has taken on those cocoa and gospel flavors, the original quality of the bisque no longer matters as much. Anyway, I know that bisque hardware is kind of expensive, so feel free to skimp where you can for this one. If you prefer, similar results can be had with a five gallon bucket and a ladle, it's just not quite as fun. Either way, the night will definitely be memorable, both for you and the children.

Maple Leaves - Admittedly, this one is only okay in Canada, as Maple leaves, at least as far as I know, are still illegal in most of the United States, and many other countries around the world. Why they were only just legalized in Canada this year I don't know, as Canada has prominently featured this humble foliage on its flag since 1965. Now, when giving these tasty treats out to the childr- Huh? Sorry, excuse me, my editor wants to talk to me, I'll be right back...

...

Sorry about that, I have just been informed that Maple Leaves are in fact NOT illegal, and never have been, in America, in Canada, or anywhere. I seem to have internalized some misinformation spread via Facebook, about which plant life has or has not recently been legalized in several regions of North America. Please forgive my mistake. I cannot not promise it won't not never happen ever not again.

Valentines Day Acrostics

I keep see these annoying acrostics all over Facebook, every year at Valentines Day, where people have formed the word 'Valentine' out of a whole bunch of other words, or manipulated a wall of text so it looks like the word 'Valentine' has just miraculously shown up in the text, like it's somehow amazing or special that it says Valentine inside all these other unrelated words. So instead of leaving a hundred snarky comments all over the place and making all my friends and family hate me, I decided to make my own. You're welcome.

Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas 2017

So, today, (yesterday if you're reading this when I post it) October 30, at around noon, I decided to look at my Time Hop app, the handy app that takes you back in time to see yon posts of yesteryear, (I mainly use it to find and delete old embarrassing social media political posts that my younger, stupider self thought were a good idea to share with the world) and I was reminded of my yearly tradition of writing a post of alternative Halloween candy ideas. I had completely forgotten about it, which is also apparently becoming a yearly tradition. So since I have to work at 5 tonight, apparently I have just a few hours to write up a post. I suppose I could do it when I get off work, but I think I write better under pressure. Let's see if I can do it. If you're reading this, I probably did it. :p

For those of you who are new, every year I like to come up with new, amazing things for you to hand out to Trick-or-Treaters. After all, you want to be the most memorable house in the neighborhood, right? Well if you follow my advice, you'll certainly be memorable. It's up for debate whether that's a good thing or not.

If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016

Candy - No not edible candy, Aaron Carter's hit 2000 pop single 'I Want Candy' covering the 1982 pop smash by Bow Wow Wow, which was itself a cover of a 1965 song by the Strangeloves. You can give out one of the originals too, but you're going to get egged. Oh who am I kidding. You're going to get egged anyway.

A Haunted Diadem - Do you have an ancient, cursed crown that's just swarming with ghosts, who never leave you alone, and are always opening your cupboards, looking for food they can never eat, and occasionally flushing the toilet and playing (admittedly catchy) Turkish pop music just to mess with you? Well, when you get a Trick-or-Treater around who you particularly despise, probably that rotten neighbor kid who shaved and painted your cat that one time, just give him the crown, and your troubles are over! It's perfect! If his parents complain, you can just act like they're crazy, because ghosts aren't real, right?

Cucumber - Just leave a cucumber on the porch.

Raisin Boxes - This one's a bit tricky, but for this one, just put all your real candy into raisin boxes. That way all the spoiled brats won't take any, and you can keep it all for yourself. And if they do take one, well, they must be a very polite child, and therefore they deserve the candy.

A Trick - Kids always say Trick-or-Treat, so why not call their bluff? This year, when they say Trick-or-Treat, wordlessly pull a rabbit out of a hat. When they applaud, go back inside and shut the door.

Another Trick - When the kids all say Trick-or-Treat, do some kind of a sick skateboarding trick, or a sweet bike jump. Grind down your porch rail, and ride off into the night!

A Mean Trick - Just swipe all their candy and go back inside. They asked for a trick, and they never specified what kind. Legally you are totally in the clear. Probably.

Trix - Just pour some Trix cereal into their candy bag. It's a treat and a pun!

Marbles - Marbles are pretty cheap right, right? All you have to do is dress up like a little old lady who can't see well. The kids will just assume that you mistook the marbles for candy and will be too polite to say anything, saving you a TON of money on candy. If they do say something, you can just give them a Tic-Tac out of your purse, because what self-respecting little old lady doesn't keep Tic-Tacs in her purse? And if those little rotters complain, you can just pelt them with the marbles, while screeching at them to get off your property. It's a win-win either way.

Tea - Open the door dressed like a proper British Lady, complete with the fanciest, most unnecessarily elaborate gown you can find. Bonus points if you dress as the queen and wear a crown. This goes for guys too, the exquisite gown, as well as the most exaggerated, high pitched falsetto voice you can muster, are an absolute must for this one, no matter your gender. Optionally, you can also wear some giant fake teeth if you want, but that's probably racist, so maybe you better not.

In your worst British accent, screech at the little tots that approach your door, "CHEERIO MY DARLING, I'M SIMPLY CHUFFED TO BITS TO SEE YOU!!! WOULD YOU LIKE A SPOT OF TEA?!?!" And then proceed to pour boiling hot tea out of your finest china teapot, directly into their candy bag. "HOW ABOUT A CRUMPET?!?!" and throw one of those in too. "BICKIE?" and just dump a whole box of digestives in there as well. If they start crying, whether in fright, or because you just melted all their Twixes and Kit-Kats, exclaim, "BLIMEY!!! THIS DOES THROW A SPANNER IN THE WORKS!!!" and turn around pretending that your husband is inside.

"REGINALD MY DARLING THIS TINY BEGGAR CHILD IS HAVING A RIGHT BEASTLY BLUB ON OUR DOORSTEP!!! SHOULD WE CALL THE ORPHANAGES!?!?" Then grab your carpet bag, pop open your umbrella, and float away into the night calling, "TOOTLE-OOO, LOVE, TOOTLE-OO!!! PIP-PIP!!! CHEERIO!!! JOLLY-GOOD!!! SMASHING, SIMPLY SMASHING!!!"

Christmas Video Explosion

Did you have nothing to do this Christmas? Do you want to watch a bunch of internet videos? Probably not. But if you're still in the mood for Christmas entertainment after the holidays, then come back to this post, I've got you covered.

Unless your annoying family starts talking about politics again and you need to mentally escape, like, right now. We get it Uncle Frank, you're in love with Trump, and Hillary is a war criminal. I don't think little Timmy needed a lecture on Benghazi. Can we have some pie now?

Don't worry, these videos are just what you need. :)

We'll start this out with Peter Hollens, because he just released a Christmas album and he made a video for like every song on it. I'm not going to post them all here, but I have plenty.



Now for the absolute kings of Christmas music, Pentatonix. They also just released a new Christmas album. This version is now one of my new favorite Christmas songs. They are amazing.



And one of my new favorite a cappella groups, Voctave.



And because there are a bunch of them, another Peter Hollens video, this time with his wife Evynne. And their far too cute son, Ashland. :)



The YouTube series "How It Should Have Ended" recently did a mashup of Home Alone and E.T. Who knew these two stories would work so well together! Also, be sure to watch till the very end of the video!



This next one has no video, but I love this new Owl City song too much not to include it.



And another Peter Hollens.



More Pentatonix, I love that they included some unconventional songs in their new album. :)



My cousin showed me this clip from the britcom Mr. Bean last night and I about died. I literally laughed myself into a coughing fit. Then we watched it like three more times, every time someone new came into the room.



The Gregory Brothers songified Home Alone! And it's amazing!



And another Peter Hollens, this time with Mike Tompkins. This is usually one of my least favorite Christmas carols, (depending on who does it) but they managed to completely redeem it for me. :)



And speaking of Mike Tompkins, he did another song at the senior center. I hope he keeps doing more of these, because I just love them so much. :)



And how about some Studio C. Warning, it's slightly gross, if you have a weak constitution, but it is so funny. :p



And one more Pentatonix. I love the twists they put on their versions of these classic songs. This one sounds almost African. I love it!



And we'll end this where we began, with Peter Hollens, singing one of my all time favorite carols. I know we've already heard this once in this post, but you can never have too much Carol of the Bells, especially when it's done so well. :)



Merry Christmas, everybody!

MORE EVEN MORE Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas

It's the post you almost didn't get, and probably wish you wouldn't have! Seriously. I almost forgot to write this. I planned on making this a yearly thing, and I have done it for the last three years, working on it for weeks and/or months before Halloween, and then this year I completely forgot! But, as luck would have it, or bad luck, depending on who you ask, one of the previous years' posts cam up in my Time Hop app yesterday, reminding me that I needed to write this! So I got to work on it as soon as I got home from work last night, and wrote it all up in just over an hour! So it's probably terrible! But at least I got it done! The tradition is unbroken!

If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015

On to the post!

Are you sick of trying to figure out what to hand out to all those irritating little humans that come around begging for things every single October 31st? It's SO annoying! Both the kids, and having to figure out what to buy them. But don't worry, I got u, fam. Whoops, sorry, slipped into some annoying teen lingo there. I've been on the internet too long. I mean, I've got you covered. Just follow any of these ten excellent ideas, and you'll be all set for another year of trick-or-treaters.

And as always, don't try any of these yourself, unless you like traumatizing children, receiving multiple lawsuits from angry parents, and visits from the police.

Cereal - When you open the door, make sure you are in your robe and pajamas, no matter what time of day it is. Sleepily look at the child as they say the traditional, "Trick-or treat!" greeting and then wearily reply, "Good morning sweetie. Did you want bran flakes or oatmeal this morning?" While the child is confused, dump some All Bran and milk into their treat bag, and slowly walk back inside, yawning and scratching your behind, forgetting to close the door.

A Flock of Live Chickens - If you're anything like me, you probably have an entire flock of chickens that you are absolutely sick to death of. It's such a common problem! Well have I got the solution for you! Just use halloween as an excuse to get rid of them! Hand every rotten little candy-beggar a chicken, and do not take it back, no matter how loud the kid screams as the chicken flaps and pecks them all over. If you'd like to traumatize as few children as possible, just choose one unlucky little kid to unleash the entire flock on! Open the door and just shove the clucking, cackling, flapping, squawking, pecking, mass out into the night! The kid will probably run away crying, and the chickens, sensing their fear, will follow like a flock of tiny little raptors, chasing after their prey. And that's it! You're chicken free!

A Slice of American Cheese - When you hear the doorbell ring, open the door as quickly as you can and splap one slice of unwrapped American cheese right in the kid's face and then slam the door.

Grandma's Dentures - This one only requires the cooperation of grandma, and her willingness to part with her false teeth. Just have her go to the door, and when the child says, "Trick-or-treat!" have her slowly remover her dentures and drop them in the child's bag, creepily making eye contact with them the entire time. When the child's mouth drops open in horror, have her say, "That's what CANDY does to ya, kid!" and then cackle evilly, walking backwards into the house, closing the door behind her.

A Fingernail Clipping - When the doorbell rings, answer the door dressed like a hillbilly's uncle. Clip one fingernail, drop it into the kid's bag, and then go back inside, never even saying a word.

A Broken Chainsaw - First you'll need to make sure the teeth have been removed from the chainsaw, you don't want angry parents coming after you with their lawyers again, not after that chicken incident. When a kid comes your door, a child who you feels most deserves a non-working chainsaw, then pull it out and yank the cord violently in their direction. When it doesn't work, stare at it disappointedly and say, "Oh well. I guess I don't need this one anymore." Then hand it to them as you close the door. Once back inside, begin screaming as loudly and shrilly as possible.

Negative Candies - For this one, you just remove candy from the kid's bag. Tell them you're teaching them about taxes or something.

A Popped Can of Biscuits - When you answer the door, pull out a can of biscuits, and bash it up against the side of the house until it pops, then plop several biscuit blobs into each child's bag. Look the kids straight in the eye and say, "Don't do drugs, kids." Then go back inside while they stare, open-mouthed.

An Orangutan Named Gerald McFingers - Admittedly this one is a stretch, but if you can find an orangutan named Gerald McFingers, give it to a kid on Halloween. You will make that kid's entire year.

Toilet Paper - For this one all you need to do is hand out the toilet paper instead of candy to trick-or-treaters, and wait for the inevitable backlash from the nasty little candy-crazed, greed-mutants. Just sit upstairs by an open window in the dark, and wait for them to start vandalizing your home. As soon as the first roll is tossed, just blast it with a full powered spray from your industrial strength flamethrower, disintegrating it immediately. For added effect, make sure you are blaring Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries at full volume on your 1997 Bose Acoustic Wave radio, and scream-laughing like the Joker hopped up on his own laughing gas. It will be a Halloween those kids will never forget.

EVEN MORE Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas

The last two years I've written a few "Unconventional" treat ideas for you to hand out at Halloween. I had a lot of fun writing those, so I decided to do it again. If you want to refresh your memory on what I wrote in previous years, follow the links below.

2013 - 2014

So anyway, without further adieu, here are ten more amazing trick-or-treat ideas, sure to leave your little ghouls and goblins screaming for more. Or just screaming. Whatever.

Chocolate Pudding - Fill a giant super soaker with pudding and hide in the bathroom upstairs, you know, the one that looks out over the front yard, and before the kid even gets up to the house, you yell "TRICK-OR-TREAT!!!!!" and you hose them down with as much pudding as possible before they've fled into the night. Make sure that the pudding has plenty of air bubbles in it too, that way it sounds HILARIOUS as it squirts out the nozzle. Other fun flavor and texture ideas, tapioca, pistachio, jelly, lard and rice pudding with extra raisins.

Toys - This suggestion is just for parents. Your kid didn't pick up their toys even though you asked them like 7,000,000 times? Let the Trick-or-Treaters do it for them! You don't have to buy candy, and your house will be totally toy-free! Everybody wins! Except for your kids. But that's what they get! YOU HEAR THAT DONAVAN?! YEAH!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET!!!

Great Aunt Gertrude - For this one you will need to have Great Aunt Gertrude answer the door, sitting in her remote controlled wheelchair, but make sure you have a remote that overrides hers. When the little kids do their adorable "Trick-or-treat!" thing, have her hold out her arms for a giant hug, and then duct tape the kid to her. Then use your remote to wheel them away into the night, and you'll be free of the nagging old crone forever!

Cantaloupe - Just a whole cantaloupe. Drop one of those suckers into a little kid's plastic pumpkin, and watch the confusion take over their face. Then slam the door and go back to your shows.

Half a Cantaloupe - This will take a bit of pre-prep. You'll need to set a small table outside with a cantaloupe on it. When a kid rings your doorbell, you come outside with a machete, wearing a terrifying mask, like a vampire-clown, or a rabid werewolf, or a demon horse, or Donald Trump. Then hack that thing right in half with the most violent whack you can muster. Make sure there are plenty of gory cantaloupe entrails flying all over the place, and toss half of it into the kid's sack. Then toss a smoke bomb onto the ground and vanish so you can get back to your shows.

Baby Carrots - This is for the people who want all the neighborhood children to hate them. Except for that vegan kid. He's weird.

Polyfill - This one is a great idea for those of you whose Auntie Nelga just died and left you like 4000 bags of Teddy Bear stuffing. Like, what the heck are you going to do with that? Just hand it out to the trick or treaters. Sure, you might get your house egged, but you won't have all that fluff any more!

Tennis Balls - Ok, this one isn't so much something you hand out, as it is a way to keep your house mostly egg free. Set up a baseball launcher inside the house, and turn the lights out. When those nasty little ingrate come along to egg your house in retribution for the carrots and polyfill, then you just start firing tennis balls willy-nilly into the night. That'll teach those entitled little monsters to mess with your new siding!

A Teddy Bear Encased in Jell-O - This one is a snack, and a toy! Simply fill several five-gallon buckets with Jell-O, drown a bunch of Teddy Bears in them, and stick the whole mess in the fridge for a few hours. When the kids come, you just bring the bucket to the door, stick your hands way down deep into the jiggly abyss, and rip out a hunk of Jell-O with a bear in it, (do it real slow so it sounds just as slurpy and sloppy as that time your great aunt and uncle were having a make out sesh at the Christmas Eve party) and tell them to have fun eating their new friend free of his Jell-O-y prison! Make sure you wash your hands between children though, that's just common sense.

Spaghetti - This one will be a bit tricky to pull off, but if you're successful, the joy on the children's faces, (or fear, it's hard to tell with kids) will be so rewarding. Really, all you need is a second story window; a five gallon pail of precooked spaghetti and sauce; and a chimpanzee with incredible aim, and a terrifying scream. I think you can piece this one together on your own.

MORE Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas

You asked for it! Or maybe you didn't. You probably didn't. I just wanted to! More awesome trick-or-tricks, I mean trick-or-treats, to hand out to all the little mutants who come pounding on your door tonight! And if you missed the one I did last year, brush up on it before you continue!
http://jonathanjnorth.blogspot.com/2013/10/amazing-trick-or-treat-ideas.html

Again, this probably goes without saying, but:

Warning: Do not actually attempt any of these in real life. If you do, be aware that results may vary, from mildly scarring a small child for life, to receiving multiple lawsuits from angry parents.

Dog Biscuits - Open the door and ask the child if they've been a good little boy or girl. When they inevitably lie to your face and say yes, act thrilled. Exclaim, "Wonderful! You get a treat!" Pull a box of MilkBones off the table inside the door and drop one into their bag. Ruffle their hair, and rub both cheeks in your hands exclaiming "Whosa good boy! Whosa good girl!" adjusting the gender as necessary.

A Duck Wearing a Propeller Beanie - Open the door and let the duck waddle slowly outside to the child, propeller gently turning in the breeze. Leave the door open so that the child can hear you quietly weeping inside.

Coon-Skin Cap - Open the door and place the cap carefully on the child's head. Tell them, "I caught that there possum just this mornin'! He sher did put up a fight." Hold up a hand covered in ketchup that seems to be missing two fingers. When the child throws everything into the air and runs away screaming, lift the two hidden fingers back up and laugh evilly to yourself while you collect their candy.

Door Knob - Jerk open the door as hard as you can. Rip the knob out of your door, preferably splintering the wood around the whole knob, pulling the entire locking mechanism free. Yell, "Fetch, boy!" if it's a girl, "Fetch, girl!" if it's a boy, or "Fetch, thing!" if the child has no discernible gender; then throw it as far as you can. End the encounter by slamming the door and using a nail gun to violently nail the door shut from top to bottom.

Lemon Meringue Pie - Whip the door open as fast as you can, and >SPLAP< the entire pie in the child's face, knocking them off the porch into the shrubs. Slam the door and run out the back in order to escape the police.

Infant Baby - Walk slowly outside, completely disheveled, wearing old pajamas that have questionable green and yellow stains covering the front, with a tattered robe overtop that has fallen off one shoulder, holding a baby that is screaming at the top of it's lungs. Make sure you get a baby that has mastered the theatrical arts, so that when the infant sees the trick-or-treater, he, (Or she, you won't know until the first diaper change) will immediately stop crying, reach for the child calling, "MAMA! MAMA!" and leap into their arms. You then shriek, "THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW, SUCKA!!!" and slam the door in their face, lock the deadbolt, close the curtains, and turn off all the lights, while you hide in the basement behind the water heater.

Balloons - Walk out, tears quietly streaming down your face, holding a handful of popped balloon shreds. Sadly say, "They're dead..." then sprinkle them into the child's bag of candy, turn around, and walk back into the house.

Macaroni & Salt -Walk outside with a box of your finest Barilla and a carton of your almost finest Morton, and pour all the macaroni and half the salt into the child's bag. Exclaim, "It's a do it yourself dinner tonight!" Then roll your eyes backwards, and start moaning and rambling incoherently, while turning in a counter-clockwise circle, pouring the remainder of the salt in a circle around you. Turn back to the child, and if they haven't run away in terror, smile and say, "There! That'll keep the Zompires away!"

Candy Corn - Give the child candy corn. Sit quietly while the child eggs your car, TP's your house, and tars and feathers your body. You deserve it for giving out candy corn.

Kool-Aid - Stand outside next to a very large potted plant. Wait until a child is within earshot, and loudly offer the plant some water while holding a comically over-sized watering can. Pretend the plant has accepted your offer, and then unscrew a bottle of Dasani out of an overhead light fixture, and stab it upside down into the dirt. Pretend to react to something the plant has said and hide the giant watering can behind your back and patronizingly explain to it that it is not allowed to have sugar. When the child steps up and says "Trick-Or-Treat," ask them if they would enjoy a fruity beverage. When they reply, pull out the watering can and sprinkle neon blue Kool-Aid over their head. Toss three ice cubes in their sack, and skip into the house, leaping into the air, clicking your heels together, and slamming the door behind you.

True Love Facts! For Vambletimes Day!

Did you know that in some countries in South America, it is considered romantic to gift your significant other with a single Ghost Pepper on Valentine's Day? If they can successfully eat it without something to mask to intense, excruciating, burning pain, they have successfully proven their love, and are worthy to date you for another year. True love fact!

Did you know that anteaters invented French kissing? It looks pretty weird when they do it. True love fact!

Did you know that the original love holiday was Groundhog Day? It was later decided that the groundhog was a terrible metaphor for love, and they changed it. True love fact!

Did you know that the heart wasn't always the symbol of love? It was first the gizzard. Once people figured out that humans don't have gizzards, they had to change it. True love fact!

Did you know that in ancient times, being in love was thought to be a terrible disease? The only cure was to eat lots of raisin bran, and smear Desitin on yourself. If that didn't help, the lovers were banished to the wilderness so they wouldn't spread this awful disease to the rest of the tribe. Two of those banished lovers went on to set up a colony which became Paris, France. And thus the City of Love was born. True love fact!

Did you know that for about four years, Valentines Day was called Vambletimes Day? St. Valentine was a mumbler. True love fact!

Did you know that before flowers were invented, people used to give each other bouquets of porcupine quills to show their affection? The conquest of a wild porcupine was proof of their undying devotion. True love fact!

Did you know that the concept of Valentines cards grew out of the tradition of giving a dead groundhog to your true love once a year? It changed once people realized that was a pretty gross tradition. True love fact!

Did you know that not all love birds are actually in love with each other? Some are just trying to keep their noses warm. True love fact!

Did you know that the Cupid myth originated with a seagull? It all started when a mother seagull decided to adopt a human baby. She was way into baby wearing, and one day she decided to take him out for a fly. She really wanted him to be good at sports, so that morning she decided to teach him archery. Thankfully she gave him rubber tipped arrows because he was a really bad shot. He missed the target completely and hit an innocent bystander. Then man went down immediately and beautiful woman ran over to ask if he was okay. He fell in love with her at first sight, and to this day he credits the "Flying Angel Baby" with their successful marriage. True love fact!

Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas

Are you sick and tired of giving away boring old candy to all the neighborhood beggars every Halloween? Well, have I got an idea for you! The kids come to your door shouting "Trick or Treat!" Instead of giving away treats, just give them the other option!


Warning: Do not actually attempt any of these in real life. If you do, be aware that results may vary, from mildly scarring a small child for life, to receiving multiple lawsuits from angry parents.

Cake - Exit the house holding a platter with an entire cake. Cut one slice, and use a cake server to deposit it into the child's bag. Pull a bucket of ice cream out of a hidden door in a fake planter, and scoop three scoops into the bag. Pull a can of spray whipped cream out of your back pocket, and generously squirt a large pile onto the ice cream. Open a jack-o-lantern and pull out a jar of maraschino cherries. Put a single cherry on top of the child's head and walk back inside, shutting the door behind you.

Gravel - Open the door and walk forward with a blank expression on your face. With one hand outstretched, drop a fistful of gravel into the bag, and walk backwards, shutting the door without saying a word.

Glitter - Jerk open the door and scream "SPARKLES!!!!!!!" whilst flinging the glitter directly at the children, and immediately run back inside.

Cottage Cheese - Scoop the cottage cheese out of a five-gallon bucket labeled "Raisins" with a large spoon, and with a forceful motion, slop it directly into the trick-or-treater's bag. Begin eating the cottage cheese with the large spoon while staring at the child.

VHS Tapes - Open the door and drop one tape in each bag saying, "I do NOT want this old thing, ANYmore!" Go back inside and slam the door behind you.

Chicken Leg - Answer the door with a fried chicken leg in your hand. Stare blankly at the child while taking a bite from the leg. Chew slowly while continuing to stare at the child. Repeat previous steps. Look at the chicken leg, then at the child's outstretched bag. Drop the half eaten leg into the bag and go back inside.

Real Candy - Wait on the roof, and when the children ring the doorbell start dropping handfuls of candy over the edge onto their heads. Hide when they look up so that they can't see you.

A Goat - Open the door and walk out, leading a small goat on a leash. Put the end of the leash in the child's hand and walk back inside, shutting the door behind you, not saying a word.

A Single Penny - Dressed as an old homeless woman, hobble out, and place one penny in each bag. In your weariest, old lady voice tell the children, "Don't worry, I removed most of the curses from those." Slowly hobble back inside and close the door.

Acorns - For this one you will need an assistant. Answer the door holding a giant bowl filled with acorns. Compliment the children on their costumes, telling them repeatedly how adorable they are, while dropping handfuls of acorns into their bags. At this point, your assistant should be in the back of the house screaming, "NOOOOO!!!!!!' at the top of his lungs, pounding on a door that they have been locked behind. Begin to look worried, and tell the children it's time for them to leave now. Here, your assistant should break through the door they were behind, and race toward the front of the house dressed as a giant squirrel. Scream at the children to run, while trying to hold back the squirrel who should be screaming, "No! NO!! MY ACORNS! NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Happy Weirdo Day!!!

At the end of July, my friends and family threw a going away party for me before I moved to Ames. At that party we came up with our own holiday and called it Weirdo Day. We set it to be some time in the future so that they could send me weird cards after I'd moved away. I chose the date of September 13th, because September is sort of an odd month, in that nothing really special happens for the most part, and the 13th because people always think that 13 is an unlucky number and I like to laugh in the face of superstition. As an added bonus, September 13th is a Friday! Friday the 13th!

So today, in celebration of our new holiday, I decided to detail the traditions and customs of the day.

The most basic tradition is that people exchange cards. But not just any old card will do. It must be a handmade card. You may use the computer if you like, but you must make it yourself, and it must be weird.

You may also use the Internet to send a weird message. But simply sending a message that says, "Happy Weirdo Day, Mildribeth!" is not enough! You must go all out in your well wishes of weirdness. For example, here is the message I sent to my cousin.

"Happy Weirdo Day! Now go outside and eat seven olives while reciting the alphabet backwards and swinging three rubber snakes around your head like a lasso! This will please the gods of weirdoness who will bless you with a bad hair day and buck teeth for a week! Yay!"

Another popular tradition is that instead of wishing your friends a Happy Weirdo Day, you invent your own holidays, even weirder than Weirdo Day, and send people good tidings of that holiday instead. Here are a few examples to give you some good ideas for your next Weirdo Day celebration.

"Happy Cheeseday, Maria! Don't get sick from eating all the Brie and Gruyere pot pies I sent you! Hope your day is Muensterous!"

(It is important to note here, that I do not know anyone named Maria. This was sent to my friend Alex.)

"Happy Normal Day, my fellow normal human being! I hope your day is filled with blandness and unoriginality! May Bill, Bob, Tom, Jane, and Sue, the Patron Saints of Boringness, smile upon thine ordinary brow. :/"

It is even permissible, and encouraged, to combine both the greetings of your made up holiday, with a weird message that has absolutely nothing to do with that holiday.

"Happy Triceratops Day! Go sit on an eggplant! Maybe it will appreciate the warmth!"

All good holidays need a signature food. Thanksgiving has turkey, Halloween has candy, and Valentine's Day has roast Cupid. The signature food of weirdo day is Jello. But it can not be any ordinary Jello. You have to add things to it. And it can't be just any ordinary Jello ingredient, it must be weird. No marshmallows and mandarin oranges here! Those are acceptable only as long as you have first included at least one ingredient that would make your Great Aunt look at you with disgust and ban you from her next potluck. Some great ideas would be spaghetti, mushrooms, tuna salad, or ranch dressing.

No holiday is complete without a benevolent mythological figure presiding over the events. Christmas has Santa, Easter has the Easter Bunny, and St. Patrick's Day has Hiccups, the drunken leprechaun. Weirdo Day is presided over by the Weird Clown Fairy. She watches over the good little boy and girls of the world, and on Weirdo Day Eve, he flies into their rooms and leaves weird presents underneath their pillows. I received a sausage and twelve raisins! I was so good this year!

However, much like Santa leaving coal for the naughty children, the Weird Clown Fairy also punishes misbehaving brats. To all naughty children he leaves an ugly sweater that the child is obligated by law to wear for the entire day. If the child is significantly weird enough that they actually LIKE the sweater, she will leave a full pound of steamed Brussels sprouts that must be eaten by sundown. Or else.

There is likely quite a lot more involved in Weirdo Day, but as it has only just been invented, its traditions are still in a state of flux. You can give weird gifts, put up weird decorations, and shout weird things at random strangers. You can pretty much do whatever you want. As long as it's weird.

Happy Weirdo Day! May all your toes be bedazzled with sunflower seeds!

After Christmas Party

My friend Matthew was back at his parents house for Christmas, so his mother had a party so we could visit him. I went with my cousins to Nebraska to see him. We hadn’t seen each other since early last year when we went to the zoo together. (Link to that HERE)

My cousins and I went to his parents house to see him. Matthew’s sister, Rachel, her husband Robert and their daughter Ariana were also there.

I may be biased, since they are my friends, but I am pretty sure Rachel and Robert have the cutest baby in the world. Who could see this picture and disagree?! :D

Uncle Matthew. :)

This picture just cracks me up! :D

After we played a few games and visited for most of the afternoon, we went downstairs and watched Cars 2.

And played with Ariana. :)

Robert and Rachel offered to drive Shaina and me home so we could stay late, but the night still seemed to end too soon. Before we left, Rachel took some pictures of Matthew and me together.

You may have noticed Matthew was wearing a hat all day.

Here’s what he was hiding underneath it. :)

We may have been picking on him for it, just a bit… :) In love of course. :)

We miss you Matthew! You need to move back here! :)
This wasn’t the end of the festivities… The next day we had another party, but that post will have to wait.

To be continued again… :)

Christmas Day

Yeah, it’s been a couple weeks ago. I’m just now getting around to moving the pictures off my card and editing them.

You might recall our last miserable Christmas. Jared was in Afghanistan, I was sick, my parents were sick, Grandma ended up in the hospital, and we had no tree. This Christmas was a HUGE improvement, Jared was back, everyone was healthy, but we still didn’t have a tree. Instead we used a poinsettia on the piano bench. :)

After I took this picture I kind of forgot about taking any more until we got over to Grandma’s house.

I gave my cousins two “Simon’s Cat” books for Christmas. If you haven’t seen any of those videos, you really need to. Just search for “Simon’s Cat” on YouTube. They are SO funny!

Jared gave both Mom and Grandma camel hair blankets that he bought in Afghanistan.

As you can see, I didn’t take many pictures that day. The next two days I took quite a few more though, as I went to two after Christmas parties. Those will have to wait for now…

To be continued… :)

It’s the End of the World!

I mean... Uh… Happy New Year! For now… Since, you know, according to the ancient Mayans, who were OBVIOUSLY all seeing and all knowing, this is the last year of ever.

So, next year at this time, with this being the end of the world and all, Mars can take our place as the third planet, and with us gone, maybe it can move close enough to the sun to sustain some life of its own. Grow some plants, start up it’s own little ecosystem, maybe a raise few little Martian creatures. And hey! Pluto! With no snobby earth scientists around to raise their noses in the air and tell you you’re nothing more than a useless dwarf, you can go back to being your own planet! Less than a year till we’re all gone! Start the countdown guys! You can get in on this too, Ceres! Get out of that asteroid belt and get to being your own planet! You totally don’t need to have that whole “Dwarf Planet” label limiting your career options either! You deserve to be a planet just as much as all the others. You and Pluto should totally take back your planetary titles!

So spread the word guys! I know there’s lots of smaller planets out there who have been shamed into obscurity by our bigoted, anti-dwarf-planet scientists! Rise up! In less than a year we’ll be gone and you can all come into your own and be the best planets you can be!

Here’s to 2013! The year of the dwarves! WOO HOO! :D

Happy New Year, Everyone! :D

Facebook Friends #4 After Christmas Edition

I was working on a different Facebook Friends post, when inspiration hit. Why not do one themed around Christmas? Suddenly I had a ton of new ideas, and this whole post practically wrote itself in less than two days.  Enjoy. :)

 

 

Joyful Exclamations
Happy In-between-Christmas-and-New-Years everyone! YAY HOLIDAYS! :D
Lurking Liker Likes This

Rainbow Sunshine Merry Christmas and Happy New Years to you too!

 

Gladys Grizzle
Not yet a week after Christmas and the stores are jam packed full of ungrateful snobs returning all the gifts that their families lovingly picked out for them. Why, back in my day if someone gave me an ugly sweater I wore it and I liked it!
Lurking Liker Likes This

 

Mitch Morebuff
I got a gift card for lifting weights for Christmas! Well, actually it was a 10% off coupon, for a month’s membership at the gym, and it was from the gym, but it was still the best gift I got! SO AWESOME!!!
Turk Triceps Likes This

 

BB Tween
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I GOT THE NEW SOUNTRACK TO THE SISTERHOOD OF THE WANDERING FLIP-FLOPS MOVIE!!!! IT’S ALMOST AS MAGICAL AS READING EVENING FALLS FOR THE 9TH TIME IN A ROW!!!!!!!

 

T. M. Info
Dear Toilet, I am SO sorry about the day after Christmas Dinner incident. But at least you got to know your neighbor, Mr. Plunger better!

Mrs. Info To every poor soul that is unfortunate enough to be reading this, I deeply apologize for my son’s willingness to publically embarrass himself and his family especially during the holidays. I am SO SORRY!
Lurking Liker Likes This

T. M. Info Merry Christmas to you too, Mom. :)

 

Whiney McDramaPants
Why did he have to give me a FRUITCAKE FOR CHRISTMAS!?!?!? HE KNEW I WANTED THOSE DIAMOND EARINGS!!! JUST BECAUSE HE MADE IT HIMSELF DOESN’T MEAN I WANTED IT!!!!!!

Izzy Illiterate OH YUK! FRUTCAK!?!?!?! BRAFF!!!!

Rainbow Sunshine At least you know he likes you enough to make you something dear. Remember, it’s the thought that counts! :)

 

Mamma Frazzled
Well, at least the Christmas tree survived Christmas. Unfortunately it did not survive a three year old on a new plastic tricycle. And neither did the living room window, or the lamp, or the drapes that the lamp set on fire.
Lurking Liker Likes This

Grammie Happy Oh those little scamps! But look on the bright side! Now I can use my new sewing machine to make you some new drapes! :D

 

Roxy Repost
99% of poor children don’t get any awesome toys on Christmas! If you share this post Cool Toys R We has promised to donate one cool toy for every repost we do! So share this post! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE POOR KIDS?!?!?!?!?

Lorenzo Literate You know, these kinds of posts are pointless scams designed to tug at the heartstrings and make you feel like you are helping, but they ultimately do nothing as there is no way to track how many times one status is reposted. Plus, Christmas has passed, so what is the point of posting this now?

Izzy Illiterate You are so uncaring! I’ll repost for you Roxy!

 

Izzy Illiterate
99% of poor children don’t get any awesome toys on Christmas! If you share this post Cool Toys R We has promised to donate one cool toy for every repost we do! So share this post! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE POOR KIDS?!?!?!?!?

Lorenzo Literate And the dumb lead the dumber…

 

Katie Catlover
This was the best Christmas ever! Three of my outdoor kitties and two of my indoor purr babies all had kittens on the exact same day! It was a Christmas miracle! My kitty barn is just wild with joy! Time to go buy a few more bags of kitty treats for all the proud mammas!

Lorenzo Literate Bob Barker would be extremely displeased with you.

 

Fanny LuvSports
What is the TRUE meaning of Christmas?! THE AFTER DINNER FOOTBALL GAMES!!!! WOOO!!!!!!
Frankie Sportsfreak Likes This

Frankie Sportsfreak I have totally forgiven the sport for letting me down, and now I can’t wait to watch the Flying Reindeer TRAMPLE the Gruesome Grannies! It’s gonna be epic!!!

 

Lill Sloshy
CRISTMAS DRINKY TIME!!!!! who with me?!?!?!?

Lorenzo literate Yeah… Pass…

Izzy Illiterate YAY!!!! IS IT SPICKD EGNOG!?!? I LOVE SPICKED EGNOG!!!!!

Lill Sloshy It can be! Lets get NOGGED!!!! :D

Lorenzo literate Oh, brother…

 

Sally Sharitall Shared “Pointless Holiday Junk’s status.
”Santa failed again! Where’s my new SportsCar and Calander Model boyfreind?!?! SANTA!!!!!!”
Angry McToiletMouth Likes This

Izzy Illiterate BWA haHAHAHAHA!!! SO FUNY!!!!! Ware doo U finde all this funy sayngs sally?!?!?

 

Ima Bean
KRISSMASSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ima Bean
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO-YEEEEEEEERRSSSSS!!!!!

 

Ima Bean
HAWNI-KAHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ima Bean
QUANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ima Bean
Birthday?

Izzy Illiterate Is it yor birthday?! Hapy birthday!!!!

Lorenzo Literate No, it is not her birthday, she just has problems. Many, many problems…

 

Ferdie Foodie
Christmas is the best time of year! WAAY more food than Thanksgiving and if you are REALLY careful you can make it last over a week! Sadly I wasn’t so careful, and the 7 pies, 5 batches of sugar cookies, twelve batches of Chocolate covered pretzels, and four boxes of fudge, are already gone. I now have the post holiday blues. I think I’ll go to the store and see if they have any of those nasty chewy Christmas mints in the the 99% off carts. No one ever buys them. I’ll give them a good home!

Fiona Foodie Did you get the “300 Easy Steps To a Healthier You” book that I sent you for Christmas?

Ferdie Foodie Yes, mother…

 

Lorie Luvvie
My Luscious-Lumpie-Punkie-Pie called this week! Totally made my Christmas worth it! Long distance relationships are terrible during the holidays!!!

David Duvvie Awe, Schmoopsie Doopsie Poopsie Pie! I WUVS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

Lorie Luvvie OOOOH! WOOGLIE PIES!!!!! I WUV YOU 20 TIMES MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER IMAGINE!!!!

David Duvvie I wuv you more than you’ll ever imagine that I’ll ever imagine Cuddly-Wuddly-Bubbly Pies!!!

Lorenzo Literate Well, thanks for making my after Christmas diet so easy! That’s enough stomach churning mush to turn me off eating pie, or anything, for at least the next month!

 

Vaguely McDramaPants
Why couldn’t he just keep that to himself?!?! Especially at Christmas!!! Why does he have to INSIST on ruining the holidays!?!?!?

Nosey Nellie What hapnin’ Gurl?! Txt me!

Izzy Illiterate U tel him! hes got no bisniss ruining Cristmass!!! He lik tha grinch!!!!

 

Joy Lyrical
  “Christmas and Snowballs and Nice Figgy Puddings! Reindeer and sleigh bells and Huge SANTA Puddings!!!”   - FamousHolidayComedySinger

Izzy Illiterate BA HA HA !!!! EAT SANTACLAS!!!!! :D

Ima Bean SANTA!!!! NomNomNomNomNomNom. >:D

 

Gloom Lyrical
“It’s the most horrible time of the year! With the evergreen murders, and turkey beheadings, and greed in the air! It’s the most horrible time OF THE YEAR!!! - FamousHolidayGothTrio

R. W. Republicrazy You Holiday Hippie.

Lefty T. Parrot What a poignant holiday message for all of us!

R. W. Republicrazy Oh no! The hippies are crawling out all over the place!!!

Lefty T. Parrot Why don’t you fly back to the planet you came from you tree killer!!!!

R. W. Republicrazy Right after your saucer leaves, you Tofurkey murderer!

 Lefty T. Parrot YOU  !!!!
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Rainbow Sunshine
So thankful for the Christmas season to celebrate our Savior's birth with family and friends! Merry Christmas and Happy New Years Everyone!

Joyful Exclamations Hope your holidays have been great! MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIEND! AND HAPPY NEW YEARS TO ALL!!!!
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