Saturday, October 31, 2015

EVEN MORE Amazing Trick-or-Treat Ideas

The last two years I've written a few "Unconventional" treat ideas for you to hand out at Halloween. I had a lot of fun writing those, so I decided to do it again. If you want to refresh your memory on what I wrote in previous years, follow the links below.

2013

2014

So anyway, without further adieu, here are ten more amazing trick-or-treat ideas, sure to leave your little ghouls and goblins screaming for more. Or just screaming. Whatever.


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Chocolate Pudding - Fill a giant super soaker with pudding and hide in the bathroom upstairs, you know, the one that looks out over the front yard, and before the kid even gets up to the house, you yell "TRICK-OR-TREAT!!!!!" and you hose them down with as much pudding as possible before they've fled into the night. Make sure that the pudding has plenty of air bubbles in it too, that way it sounds HILARIOUS as it squirts out the nozzle. Other fun flavor and texture ideas, tapioca, pistachio, jelly, lard and rice pudding with extra raisins.

Toys - This suggestion is just for parents. Your kid didn't pick up their toys even though you asked them like 7,000,000 times? Let the Trick-or-Treaters do it for them! You don't have to buy candy, and your house will be totally toy-free! Everybody wins! Except for your kids. But that's what they get! YOU HEAR THAT DONAVAN?! YEAH!!! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET!!!

Great Aunt Gertrude - For this one you will need to have Great Aunt Gertrude answer the door, sitting in her remote controlled wheelchair, but make sure you have a remote that overrides hers. When the little kids do their adorable "Trick-or-treat!" thing, have her hold out her arms for a giant hug, and then duct tape the kid to her. Then use your remote to wheel them away into the night, and you'll be free of the nagging old crone forever!

Cantaloupe - Just a whole cantaloupe. Drop one of those suckers into a little kid's plastic pumpkin, and watch the confusion take over their face. Then slam the door and go back to your shows.

Half a Cantaloupe - This will take a bit of pre-prep. You'll need to set a small table outside with a cantaloupe on it. When a kid rings your doorbell, you come outside with a machete, wearing a terrifying mask, like a vampire-clown, or a rabid werewolf, or a demon horse, or Donald Trump. Then hack that thing right in half with the most violent whack you can muster. Make sure there are plenty of gory cantaloupe entrails flying all over the place, and toss half of it into the kid's sack. Then toss a smoke bomb onto the ground and vanish so you can get back to your shows.

Baby Carrots - This is for the people who want all the neighborhood children to hate them. Except for that vegan kid. He's weird.

Polyfill - This one is a great idea for those of you whose Auntie Nelga just died and left you like 4000 bags of Teddy Bear stuffing. Like, what the heck are you going to do with that? Just hand it out to the trick or treaters. Sure, you might get your house egged, but you won't have all that fluff any more!

Tennis Balls - Ok, this one isn't so much something you hand out, as it is a way to keep your house mostly egg free. Set up a baseball launcher inside the house, and turn the lights out. When those nasty little ingrate come along to egg your house in retribution for the carrots and polyfill, then you just start firing tennis balls willy-nilly into the night. That'll teach those entitled little monsters to mess with your new siding!

A Teddy Bear Encased in Jell-O - This one is a snack, and a toy! Simply fill several five-gallon buckets with Jell-O, drown a bunch of Teddy Bears in them, and stick the whole mess in the fridge for a few hours. When the kids come, you just bring the bucket to the door, stick your hands way down deep into the jiggly abyss, and rip out a hunk of Jell-O with a bear in it, (do it real slow so it sounds just as slurpy and sloppy as that time your great aunt and uncle were having a make out sesh at the Christmas Eve party) and tell them to have fun eating their new friend free of his Jell-O-y prison! Make sure you wash your hands between children though, that's just common sense.

Spaghetti - This one will be a bit tricky to pull off, but if you're successful, the joy on the children's faces, (or fear, it's hard to tell with kids) will be so rewarding. Really, all you need is a second story window; a five gallon pail of precooked spaghetti and sauce; and a chimpanzee with incredible aim, and a terrifying scream. I think you can piece this one together on your own.

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