Thursday, May 30, 2013

Best Birthday Ever!

I just got the best birthday present ever! My friends the Frenches made a video for me where they acted out a short story I wrote. To read the original story, click HERE, then continue on to see their version.



My day was made a whole lot better when I saw this. :)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The REAL Story of the Three Little Pigs

A few months ago, While I was still writing the second part of the story of The Little Old Woman who lived in a shoe, my friend Alex French suggested I do the story of the Three Little Pigs next. I got to work right away, but ended up running into a block toward the end and didn't end up finishing for two or three months. But now, after all this time, I was finally able to work through the writer's block and finish the story. So now, finally, here is the REAL story of the Three Little Pigs.


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The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time there lived a family of pigs, Gordon and Guenevere, and their triplets, Millie, Susan, and Dave. They all lived in a large, energy efficient, straw bale home, in a small town in the Fairyland forest. When the triplets turned 18, Gordon and Guenevere enrolled them in a secret military training school high in the mountains, so they could learn the art of self defense. The only problem was, they didn't want to go.

Millie was especially upset. The school was high in the mountains and there would be no cell service there. She didn't know how she was going to function without her cell phone. Susan and Dave just hated the idea of more school. They wanted to party now that they had finally finished high school. They didn't want to trade one school for another. Their parents, knowing how important this would be to their futures, decided that the time had come to tell them the truth about their past.

"Kids," he began, "Our lives have not always been as peaceful as they have been since we had you. Years ago, we lived far away from here in a terrible land called Topeka, in the middle of a dreadful country called Kansas. The people of Kansas were barbaric. They ate pigs! When we were born we were lucky for awhile. We were owned by a kind farmer who treated us as pets, but one day he died. His children were not so nice. They said they were sick of 'Those nasty, smelly, gross pigs,' and decided to have us sent off to the cocktail weenie factory. Soon after, some men in a truck shaped like a giant cocktail weenie came to collect us for slaughter. Fearing for our lives, we trampled the weenie men and fled into the woods. We joined a herd of wild hogs and wandered the woods doing battle with ferocious packs of wolves who wanted nothing more than to feast upon our delicious bodies. We lived this way for many years before we came to this magical land where we learned to talk and be just as human as people. "

Yeah, that's really terrible," Millie said, "But it still doesn't explain why we should have to go away to some secret place in the mountains to learn self defense. There aren't any wolves around here!"

"Maybe not now," Guenevere replied, "But there's always been rumors. They say a girl named Red killed one a few years ago, and there have been many other stories of other wolves disguising themselves in piles of cotton balls to infiltrate flocks of sheep. Most sheep are really stupid you know. They can't tell the difference until it is too late."

"But we're not stupid." Susan protested. "Why should we have to go to military school? High school was bad enough! I thought school was done when we got out of there!"

"You may not be stupid, but the wolves are getting smarter." Gordon replied. "Two nights ago The Little Red Hen's neighbors, Farnsworth and Fanny-May Hoggington, as well as all of their children, disappeared after their house blew up. Little Red swears she saw a wolf outside. The police say there have been similar reports all over the forest recently. Houses being blown up with no trace of the family left. If it happened to these people, it could happen to us. Your mother and I can defend ourselves, but if something were to happen to us, you need to know what to do. We don't know if these arsonists really are wolves, but even if they aren't, you still need to know what to do. It could be wolves, or tigers, or maybe even evil weenie men from Kansas, but there may come a day very soon when you will have to defend yourselves, and we want you to know what to do."

Gordon's words proved to be prophetic. A few months later, the three little pigs returned from Military school to find a blackened crater where their home had once stood. Their parents were gone. The three little pigs were devastated. Not only had they lost their parents, they were now homeless as well. What could they do?

Suddenly, Millie had a brilliant idea. She got out her video camera and started filming. She started by telling their parent's story and everything they had told them about the wolves. She made sure to include what happened to the Hoggington family, and explained what happened to their parents. Finally, she tearfully ended the video with a plea for help and she sent it off to Ty Megaphone and the reality show Extreme Construction: Home Edition. When Ty heard their tragic story he assembled a team of builders immediately. Explosions, vanished families, and murderous wolf packs were ratings gold!

The team worked fast, and a week later they had completed a brand new home. Using Brazilian Walnut, one of the hardest woods on earth, Ty's team had constructed one of the sturdiest homes they had ever built. Not only that, but they fortified it with more self defense features than the three little pigs knew what to do with. They built the home quite a ways outside of town in a clearing surrounded by trees. They installed a motion activated alarm system around the perimeter, and set up hidden surveillance cameras in all the trees surrounding the home. Under the home they built a steel reinforced combination panic room and bomb shelter. They built gun ports into the walls, and placed remote activated RPG launchers under the lawn around the house. Their home was virtually impenetrable.

As soon as they moved in, the three little pigs established a routine. During the day they went to the shooting range for target practice, and every night they practiced their panic drills and took turns watching the surveillance monitors.

One night they decided to break routine and settled down to watch their episode of Extreme Construction. As they watched, Dave had a chilling thought. "What if whoever killed our parents sees this episode and comes after us?"

"Don't worry about it," Millie replied. "We'll be ready for them."

"No, you don't understand!" Dave said. "They'll know know all of our home's defenses! Everything they built for us was on the show! Even the hidden RPG launchers!"

"This could be a problem," Susan replied. "We need to come up with a plan."

"It's worse than you think," Dave said. "I taped this episode last week! Whoever might be after us could have already seen this! They'd have had a week to prepare!" Suddenly, without warning, the house went dark.

The three little pigs rushed down to the panic room. They had a back up generator that powered the panic room and security systems. As they ran down the stairs, they watched in horror as one by one the pictures on all the surveillance monitors began to turn to static. When there was only one screen left, a camera that was aimed at their house, they heard a chilling voice growl over the loud speaker.

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chinney, chin, chin? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house... Up."

And with an earth-shattering explosion the home above them disintegrated in a massive fireball. As they watch the monitor in horror, Dave panicked and accidentally set off all the RPG's at once. The only problem was, without targets, they just flew into the air and exploded above their heads.

"You idiot!" Susan yelled. "Now what do we do? That was all we had to defend ourselves!"

"No, that wasn't everything," Millie said calmly. "She opened up a door on the wall revealing three Russian AK-47's.

"What?!" Susan exclaimed. "Where did those come from?!"

"The internet." Millie said. "If we're going down, we're going down with guns blazing!"

They looked back at the monitor and could see five wolves with blowtorches cutting through the top of the panic room.

"We'll have to go out the back way." Millie said. "Hopefully the wolves are all concentrating on the roof. The rear exit is far enough away from the main room that maybe we can escape. Follow me."

She led her siblings down the long hallway and up the stairs. Dave hit the button to open the sliding door and began screaming like a little girl as three huge wolves raced toward them snarling and leaped through the air. Millie opened fire on the beasts and they all hit the ground at her feet, dead. The three little pigs took off running into the woods. From somewhere behind them they heard someone shout "They've escaped! They've got machine guns! Wendy, Tompkins, and Thelma-Louise are dead! Everyone! On your guard!"

They ran toward town spraying bullets around them. Millie shot two more out of the trees, while Susan took out one that was chasing them. As they entered a clearing they suddenly heard a shot ring out and something whistled over their heads. Another shot and Dave was down, tangled in a large net. Two more shots and they were all prisoners. The force of the nets colliding with their bodies had knocked the guns from their hooves. They were defenseless. As they squirmed and wriggled, trying to free themselves, the wolf pack slowly closed in on them.

The leader laughed a low menacing laugh as he approached their tangled forms. "You thought you could get away from us? No one escapes The Pack! No one! Tonight you will all become bacon!"

Suddenly from out of the forest they heard a terrifying primal scream, and a thundering herd of hoof-beats racing toward them. Then, stampeding out of the woods came a huge herd of wild hogs, led by their parents!

The wild hogs leaped through the air at the pack and the wolves scattered like ants. The hogs chased them and thrashed the living daylights out of them. The wolves tried to fight back but they were no match for the brute force of the savage hogs. Most of the wolves were dead within minutes and the fight was over almost before it began.

The three little pig's parents headed straight for them and began cutting through the ropes.

"But how?!" Susan asked in shock as she was freed from the net.

"We thought you were dead!" Dave Exclaimed.

"When we got back from military school our house was gone and so were you!" Millie said "Where were you?"

"We would have been dead." Gordon said. "But we had been visiting Baba Blacksheep on the other side of Fairyland that week. We got home the night the wolves came. We saw movement in the woods, so we kept out of sight and called the police. Before we knew what was happening, they had blown up our house and were screaming in fury that no one was there. Just then the police showed up and the wolves scattered into the forest. We knew it would only be a matter of time until they returned, so we decided to leave Fairyland and go back to Kansas to find our old herd. The wolves had to be stopped. We had no way to contact you, but we knew you would be safe at military school till we returned. It ended up taking us longer than we expected to track down our herd, or we would have been back before you got out of school."

"Well it's a good thing you got back when you did!" Millie said. "We were almost ham steaks!"

By this time the wild hogs had returned. "The wolves have been taken care of, my friends." Said the leader, Hogsworth. "If any were able to escape, I am quite certain they will never show their faces in these parts again."

"Thank you, thank you all for your help." Guenevere said. "Our family is forever grateful."

The three little pigs and their parents spent the night in a hotel, and the next day they made another tape. They sent it to Ty Megaphone who was more than happy to get his crew together and build them another house. The first episode had been a ratings smash, and they were excited to duplicate the success of that episode. They built the new home to be an almost exact replica of the first one, but this time using concrete bricks and a steel frame for the entire structure. It would be nearly impenetrable.

The three little pigs went on to set up their own self defense school, not just for the residents of their town, but for all the residents of Fairyland as well. After word about the wolves got out, everyone for miles around wanted to learn all their secrets. The wild hogs set up their own little community in the woods, and along with the three little pig's parents, they all became teachers at Three Pigs Academy of Defense. To this day, not one wolf has dared to show its face in their little town again.

The End.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

If I Were a Troll... 4

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youll nevr understnad

Not if you keep writing like that I won't.


lol u sound illiterate there is not justification for ur theory !

I'm sorry, but "U R" the "1" who sounds illiterate.


such a waste of good inviroment

Well, it looks like someone was absent the day that God was handing out brains.


nothin cuz u r quite bad making food

Really? Well, I'm sorry to say, but you are quite bad at making sentences.


would u guys mind to subscribe me i make great content that wont have u regret

Too late. You already have me regretting reading everything you wrote here.


why does pery have a lot of hiding place

You. Because of you. I'd have a lot of hiding place too if you were around.


Haha love iy pd I am on my brothers account

Well, if you wanted people to think he was a complete moron, then you failed, because we all know it was you now.


Suks

Your spelling, and your ability to put together a full sentence? Yes. Yes it does.


lol laugh out loud  lop laugh out poop

Wow. You're just a bundle of intelligence, wit, and wisdom aren't you?


all songs best it is naver conjugated thx

I'm sure there's help available for you somewhere. You just need to be willing to admit that you have problems.


Wawww,,veryyyyyy besttttt,,music

Wawww,,veryyyyyy worsttttt,,writing


I like thes vedio

I'm sure you do. *Pats head patronizingly* I'm sure you do.


stupid bcuz of the subtitiles are in the way?.

I'd suggest getting subtitles for yourself, but I'm not sure that stupidity is a translatable language.


thank you super celection & good scence

I'll try to take that as a complement, but I really have no idea what you just said.


That's wisny me haha

What?


amazing nicely forever listening song never forget able.

What?


What is this for an bow ?

What?


Hard work k lei dad deta hon ......Manana

What?


Tere brain super .....tere upar scince ke practal jarur kiye jaye mujko naye khoj karne tere upar

What?


popopopooppopopopopopopopopopo
­popoppopopooppopopoppopopopopo­popopopopopopopopopopopopopopo­popopopotpoppopopopopoppopoopp­opooppooppooppopopopoppoooppoo­ppooppopooppopoopopoopopoopopo­popopopopoppopopoopo

That's what you get for eating those mushrooms.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

TRUE FACTS! 4!

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Did you know that the word "Toupee" comes from a small European creature that looked like a cross between a badger and a rabbit? It was hunted to extinction in the late 1600's for use in a line of men's hairpieces. True fact!

Did you know that the United States were almost renamed AmBearica in 1858? President James Buchanan's 2-year-old niece, Tallulah-Jane, mispronounced America all the time, and he thought it was so cute he tried to have the entire country renamed. True Fact!

Did you know that, due to the literal nature of the saying, "You are what you eat," merpeople are actually all Catholics who ate too much fish during Lent? True fact!

Did you know that before being sold as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" This now popular fake dairy product was marketed under a variety of different names, all of which sold terribly until they finally came up with a successful name, Not Butter. Some of the failed names include Not Cheese, Not Lard, Not Tofu and Not Crisco. True fact!

Did you know that tulips are carnivorous? Their favorite food is seagulls. True fact!

Did you know that the demonic locusts spoken of in the book of Revelation are actually just shrimp? When the inevitable apocalyptic plague finally occurs, the only way to defeat them will be to convert the world's swimming pools into deep fat fryers. True fact!

Did you know that phoenixes were a real species of bird, but are now extinct? They really did burst into flames, but contrary to popular belief, they did not rise from the ashes. This is why they are now extinct. True fact!

Did you know that sugar is made by imprisoning fairies inside hamster balls and playing tennis with them? The pixie dust that gets beat out of them is later swept off the tennis court and sold as sugar to grocery stores all over the world. True fact!

Did you know that the same method for sugar making is also used to make the powder on the outsides of sour gummy worms? The only difference is, they use extremely angry fairies for the sour powder. Making sour powder is much faster than making sugar, because they only need to catch a few fairies. The longer they're trapped in the hamster ball, the angrier the fairies get, and the more sour powder they make. True fact!

Did you know that penguins do not use sparkly nail polish when they paint their toenails? This is because they are allergic to glitter. True fact!

Did you know that purple doesn't exist? It's just a communist conspiracy. True fact!

Did you know that cheese is an explosive? True fact!

Did you know that lighter fluid is made of charcoal juice? True fact!

Did you know that toothpaste was originally invented as an ice cream topping? True fact!

Did you know that medicine balls got their names because they are actually giant pills meant to be swallowed whole? True fact!

Did you know that light bulbs are made by imprisoning geniuses from all over the world and forcing them to come up with ideas? When the light bulbs appear over their heads, the genius' jailers snatch them out of the air and box them up to sell. True fact!

Did you know that keyboard keys were originally supposed to be in alphabetical order? They are all mixed up now because the guy who was delivering the prototype dropped it on the way to the factory and it smashed. He didn't know the alphabet so he put it back together wrong and the people at the factory thought it was built that way on purpose. Ever since then they've been following the messed up model. True fact!

Did you know that all snakes were once lizards who were involved in various construction and automobile accidents? They lost all their legs and couldn't afford the prosthetics, so they just wriggle around on their stomachs now. True fact!

Did you know that the only reason aliens ever visit earth is to steal spaghetti from the Italians? They have no idea how to make their own. True fact!

Did you know that dinosaurs never existed? All those bones people keep digging up are actually part of an elaborate prank being played on us by the tooth fairy. For centuries she's been collecting teeth and making them into giant bones to bury so archeologists can find them. True fact!

Friday, May 3, 2013

U Spel bad 12

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Sceen

Have you seen the way this guy thinks SCENE is spelled?


Tomarrow

Wow. You make the Teletubbies look intelligent. (TOMORROW)


Worng

This is just WRONG.


Brauwn

If you guessed this was supposed to have been brawn, then you guessed wrong. It was supposed to be BROWN. You may go weep quietly for humanity now.


Arth Day

What kind of a weird holiday is this? (EARTH DAY)


Drilliant

Wow. You're BRILLIANT.


Anthers

Is this supposed to be some kind of a weird deer horn? (ANOTHER'S)


Hillarieous

It's HILARIOUS that you think you can spell.


Grwat

Oh, GREAT. Another person whose religion must forbid the use of spell-check. Or brains.


Pact

PACKED. *Stares like you're an idiot*


Diareis

This sounds like a horrible colon/kidney disease. (DIARIES)


Amaizing

AMAZING.


Vangraud

Stop typing so fast. (VANGUARD)


Spund

Well, you SOUND smart. Hopefully I sounded sarcastic when I typed that.


Biscuets

Is this some kind of dance, related to the Minuet? (BISCUITS)


Erler

You should have started learning to read EARLIER in life. If you had, maybe you would be intelligent by now.


Chocolarte

Are you derping? (CHOCOLATE)


Seasin

*Facepalm* (SEASON)


Trully

TRUELY, you are in need of an education.


Pruple

Sometimes I really like the way a misspelling looks and sounds. This is one of those times. :p (PURPLE)