Sunday, March 31, 2013

Facebook Friends Bios

Recently I released biographies of all of my Facebook Friends characters on my Facebook page. I decided to keep a record of them here on my blog as well, so I've collected all of the posts from my Facebook page into this blog post for anyone who might want to come back and read them again. I will continue to update this post as long as I come up with new characters for the series.

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The first two characters that I came up with were Joyful Exclamations and Rainbow Sunshine. They were partially inspired by my cousin and aunt, because they always have such positive attitudes on Facebook, unlike most of my characters. I wanted characters like them to balance out inevitable negativity that comes from... Well, a good 60-70% of the rest of the people on Facebook.

Joyful Exclamations - Never without a happy thought, Joyful is excited by everything. Especially coffee.

Rainbow Sunshine - Joyful’s mild mannered best friend. Also never without a happy thought, just less excitable.
One of my first ideas when I started thinking of writing a spoof of Facebook was to have a character who did nothing but "Like" everything. I know plenty of people who almost never post anything of their own, but it's obvious they are very active on Facebook, because you'll see that they have been actively liking every other post. Lurking Liker was the character I eventually came up with, and to this day she has never posted anything of her own, though she did briefly write a reply once, much to everyone else's shock.

Lurking Liker - Who is she? We’re not sure anyone knows…
One of the main things I noticed about people who post on Facebook, especially teenaged girls was how incredibly passive aggressive they could be. There were so many times when they would be complaining about how someone treated them, and many other times they wrote as if they were talking directly to this "Horrible person", but never naming names. From this I came up with the McDramaPants sisters.

Completely unrelated to that, I also invented a bratty little brother for them who I named after my brother's nephew, who always seemed very mischievous. :)

The McDramaPants Sisters - Everything is a tragedy, and everybody on Facebook needs to know about it. Just not the details.

Vaguely McDramaPants does her best to keep her life as open and as closed as possible, while Whiney McDramaPants just wants some sympathy. From everyone.

Gavin is the youngest McDramaPants. DO NOT leave your Facebook open around him…
After noticing the kind of girls who inspired the "McDramaPants" sisters, I noticed another kind. On all the vague posts where it was very obvious that the writer didn't want to name names, but wanted to rant and rave about how terrible a certain someone was, almost every time, one of the very first comments was from another girl who was begging for the details. She would plead for the ranter to message her or text her the details. I thought it was hilarious how ridiculous they made themselves look. I imagined a crazed teen, foaming at the mouth for some more juicy gossip. From that I came up with Nosy Nellie.

Nosy Nellie wants ALL the details. Text her them! Now!
I'm sure everyone has, or has had before unfriending, an Angry McToiletMouth on their Facebook. Someone who's mad about everything, and uses profanity to let everyone know it.

Angry McToiletMouth - Was raised by a sailor. Thanks to his loving grandmother he developed a strange passion for the delicious and exotic flavors of Ivory soap.
If no one has ever had anyone with a rabid political opinion on their Facebook, then they are missing half the Facebook experience! Just kidding, but I'm pretty sure everyone has at least one of these people on their wall.

The Political Ones - No one really knows them. They just friend everyone in order to spread “Truth”.

G. O. Pachyderm - A level headed conservative whose statuses are constantly hijacked by the others and turned into a massive verbal brawl.

R.W. Republicrazy - Joined Facebook to spread the truth about the horrors of Communism.

Rabid Liberal - Joined to spread the truth about the horrors of Capitalism.

Lefty T. Parrot - Doesn’t know anything other than what the TV tells him.

Indie Pendant - Just wants them all to get along.
I have a few friends who are always posting song lyrics on Facebook. That was where I got the idea for Joy Lyrical. I'm not sure where Gloom came from. For some reason I decided to do an emo version who always wrote depressing lyrics instead of happy ones.

The Lyrical Twins - Joy and Gloom are proof that twins are definitely not clones. Life in the Lyrical household revolved around music. There was always a song in the air. But while Joy was one of the happiest children you’ll ever meet, Gloom took a decidedly different path. He makes Eeyore look like a ray of sunshine.
I have more than one Facebook Friend who is a mother, who frequently posts some hilarious disaster that has befallen her household that day. Usually a child making a mess or breaking something. I took this idea and blew it to outlandish proportions for my Mamma Frazzled character.

Mamma Frazzled - Her real name is Martha, but after she lost track of how many kids she had, everyone just started calling her Mamma. Papa Frazzled is gone almost all day trying to earn enough to feed their 7(?) children. The only reason that Mamma doesn’t go insane is Grammie, who is more than happy to help out.
In addition to frazzled mothers, another thing I noticed about many Facebook Friends is that there are a lot of really proud grandmothers bragging about their grandchildren. I started to wonder about Mamma Frazzled's mother and how she would view her grandchildren who were holy terrors. I decided that she would brag about them anyway, and even the worst behavior would be overlooked as something adorable and endearing.

Grammie Happy - Loves all her grandkids, even when they are complete terrors. Grammie's real name is Lillian Bath, and she is Mamma Frazzled’s mother. She thought that Facebook was like a chat room and made up a name when she joined for the sole purpose of bragging about how wonderful her grandbabies are.

(The name Lillian Bath I came up with for the sole purpose of using it as the punchline of a joke in the name of one of my next two characters. :p)

My next two characters were born from the need for another more silly family member to reply to Mamma Frazzled. I decided to name him Crazy Uncle. Then I needed a wife, so I named her Aunty Uncle. Then, for reasons unknown even to myself, I decided to make up a very complicated backstory for why their names were Crazy and Aunty.

Crazy Uncle - A total goofball. He has had the nickname “Crazy” ever since age 6, when Aunty gave it to him during a Valentine’s Day project in art class where he consumed 7 1/2 bottles of paste, a box of crayons, and 2 containers of glitter. His real name is Craig, but almost no one calls him that except for his wife when she is exasperated with him. Which is most of the time.

Aunty Uncle - Her real name is Anita, but after he’d consumed all the supplies during that Valentine’s Day project, Crazy misspelled it as Anti on her Valentine. When their parents saw the card, it became a joke between their families that they should be married so she could be called Aunty Uncle. Anita vowed it would never happen, as she claimed she couldn't stand Crazy. Finally she consented, but claimed it was only because she hated her Maiden name. Which is understandable. Her parents claim it was because her grandmother’s dying wish was for her first granddaughter to be named after her, but it still seems rather cruel of Mr. and Mrs. Bath to name their poor daughter Anita.
Aunty is Mamma Frazzled’s older sister and Grammie Happy’s daughter.
The next two characters Lorenzo Literate and Izzy Illiterate started out completely independent of each other. But they have gone through a significant amount of literary evolution, and they are now two sides of the same coin. After I had changed the characters into what they are today, I started thinking about how completely opposite they were, and thought it would be funny if they were siblings. So far I have not revealed this in the series, but Lorenzo and Izzy are brother and sister.

Izzy Illiterate was one of my very first ideas for a Facebook spoof. As I'm sure you know, if you've read my blog at all, bad spelling & grammar is one of my pet peeves. I notice it everywhere, especially on Facebook, so a terrible speller was a natural choice for a character. When I first wrote the character I named her "Supportive Illiterate" because I noticed so many people replying to others whining "Pity me!" statuses who would say all sorts of cliche supportive things like "Don't let the haters get you down!" But they would type it as "dont let teh h8erz gert yo don!!!1" After I decided to expand the post into a series I decided to change the name to give myself more options with the character. I decided on the name Izzy because I love alliteration, and because I had just watched a Canadian cartoon series called "Total Drama Island" and there was a completely insane, random, off-the-wall character named Izzy who I found hilarious and I wanted to name a character after her.

Lorenzo Literate started out as a character named "Literate Quoter" and I changed his name for the same reason I changed Izzy's - to give the character more options. My original intent was a character who posts "Deep" quotes, because he felt himself above everyone else. When I was thinking about names I settled on Lorenzo, because it had a rather "Snobby" quality to it, and I wanted the character to be the embodiment of snobbery. I imagine Lorenzo to be very "Hipster."

Over the course of the series, Lorenzo has become more and more sarcastic. In a way, he has now become me. At least, he is the me inside my head. I have a very sarcastic inner voice, and I make Lorenzo say things I would feel like saying to really dumb people, but never would in real life.

Lorenzo and Izzy - Why are they listed together? Well, it may surprise you to learn that they are brother and sister. Just don’t tell anyone.

Lorenzo Literate - He is deeply ashamed of his past. The Illiterates were not a very educationally minded family, and Lorenzo was always considered the black sheep. As soon as he turned 18, he moved out and legally changed his last name to the much more distinguished sounding “Literate.”

Izzy Illiterate - She spent so much time texting in class, that she forgot anything she ever learned about proper grammar or spelling. And she really doesn't care either. She thinks people who know how to spell are snobs, which is an understandable assumption, given her brother...
There are way too many people on Facebook who seem to have no sense of decorum at all, and are constantly over-sharing everything, from their bathroom habits, to nasty things that happen to them when they get sick. That was where my character, T.M. Info came from.

I have a sneaking suspicion that most of these people are actually just trolling to get a reaction out of their family and friends, and most of them do get reactions, usually from their spouse or parents. That was were I got the idea for Mrs. Info from.

T. M. Info - Thomas Michael was always the class clown. Most of the Info family gave up on trying to teach him manners years ago. Whenever he was taught a new rule of etiquette he did the exact opposite. His mother still has to scold him for belching at the dinner table, and he is 36.

Mrs. Info - Mary-Anne Info used to be a teacher, and she knows everything there is to know about everything. A strict disciplinarian, if you didn’t shape up, you shipped out. To her very deep shame, the only child she was never able to tame was her own son. 
I know a lot of people who are obsessed with sports. Most of these people have Facebook pages. All of them inspired Fanny LuvSports and Frankie Sportsfreak. I probably should have only made one sports loving character since I don't even like sports myself, but when I first thought of them I was planning on having them eventually start dating so they could be "In a Relationship." That way I could use them to play around with that aspect of Facebook. So far I have yet to think of a very good way to go about that though. I'm still planning on it, I just don't know when I'll get to it.

Fanny LuvSports and Frankie Sportsfreak have known each other since they played T-Ball together in Kindergarten. All their friends think they should get married, but they’ve never even dated. They’re too busy watching football. (And baseball, and basketball, and hockey, and soccer, and horseracing, and tennis, and volleyball, and rugby, and NASCAR, and polo, and figure skating, and lacrosse, and the X Games…) 
I have a few Facebook friends who seem overly fond of alcoholic beverages, and like to post about their exploits whilst under the influence. That was where the inspiration for Lill Sloshy came from.

Lill Sloshy - Lill is an edgukated woman! At least that’s what her last Facebook status said. She went off to college to get a degree in… well, no one really knows what. Can one major in partying? All we know is that she’ll never fall off the wagon since she’ll never get on. Somehow she manages to stumble to a computer every once in awhile to complain about her hangover, or post about how she’s the life of the party. We’d guess that in a few years she’ll lived under a freeway overpass.
There are a few people on my Facebook wall who are completely obsessed with bodybuilding, and seem to only post updates about their time at the gym and their status updates make them sound like they view people who don't work out as much as they do as somehow inferior to them. I think they see their posts as inspirational but they end up coming off as completely full of themselves. Their posts are always followed by comments and likes only from other people who spend as much time exercising as they do, and all the posters are extremely self congratulatory. They strike me as the "Culture Snobs" of the workout world.

These kinds of posts inspired me to create the character of Mich Morebuff. But instead of trying to be inspirational, this character is just straight up full of himself. His posts are always followed by a new gym/jock/musclehead character liking his post. Coming up with a new character each time is almost as fun as coming up with the outrageously boastful things he says.

Mitch Morebuff - An avid body builder, Mitch has tons of gym club friends. That’s pretty much it. He doesn’t do much outside the gym. It’s a wonder he has time to tell us about it all on Facebook.
I'm not sure that the next character was inspired by any Facebook friends in particular. BB Tween's personality probably came more from watching teen sitcoms from Disney and Nickelodeon. I use her mostly when I want to reference something from pop culture. If something is becoming very popular I find out what the average teen girl thinks of it, and add a dash of boy crazy and fangirl and I can usually come up with a status that a stereotypical Tween girl would post.

Part of the fun of writing for BB Tween is that I get to come up with spoofs of things. A couple posts into this series I decided that I didn't want to directly reference anything real any more. Previously I had name dropped Barack Obama, and Doctor Who, but I decided later to just spoof everything instead. Now the president is Brock O'Mally, and Doctor Who is Doctor When. Most people will know what these things stand for, but I think it's fun to come up with alternatives. BB Tween is one of my characters that allows me to do that easily.

BB Tween - Never out of the loop, BB wears all the most popular fashions, watches all the most popular movies, listens to all the most popular music, reads all the most popular books, and crushes on all the most popular guys. If it's popular, OMZ! BB *Totes For Reals*  photo Heart-1_zps3ea61900.png's it.
Roxy Repost was inspired by everyone on Facebook who post almost nothing of their own, only sharing what others have written. When I first came up with the character I was thinking of the statuses that people post that say "Repost if you agree with *Specific Statement*" or "Repost if you know someone with *Specific Disease*". I had another character named Sally Sharitall who just reposted meme pictures, but I have since decided to just merge the characters, since Roxy Repost was a much more developed character, and I really didn't need two different versions of the same character.

Roxy Repost - Roxy loves to share. If someone posted a hilarious picture, Roxy reposts it. If someone shared a brain teaser, Roxy reshares it. If someone posted an inspiring quote, well then Roxy's gonna be posting that too. If Roxy is on Facebook, awareness will be raised! Just as long as someone else raised the awareness first. 

Katie Catlover was probably inspired by friends posting cat pictures, but the character probably came more from the Cat VS Human comics by Yasmine Surovec. I love the idea of a crazy cat lady, and I like taking it to over-the-top proportions.

Katie Catlover - Katie is just your average Crazy Cat Lady. She's not married, and she doesn't need a man to be happy. Just her cats. Her many, many cats. No one knows how many cats she has. Not even herself!
Gladys Grizzle was born from a need for someone to respond to Grammie Happy who didn't see her grandchildren as adorable. I wanted someone who was of the opinion that her grandchildren needed a good spanking. After I'd invented the character, I had her get into an argument with Rabid Liberal, and I decided I liked her sassy attitude, and I wanted her to be a full time character.

Gladys Grizzle - Gladys is probably the most internet savvy person her age. Her son bought her a computer before computers were cool, and now she's an expert. Gladys has strong opinions, and when she gets on Facebook she shares them with everyone. And no one disagrees with Gladys, because no one dares!
The next character came from the people of Facebook who are completely obsessed with food. Always bragging about what a great meal they are making/eating, and always posting pictures of their food. I named him Ferdie Foodie, and then I gave him a nagging mother who's worried about his health. Just because I thought it would be funny.

Ferdie Foodie - If it’s made out of meat, Ferdie will eat. Actually, there’s pretty much nothing Ferdie won’t eat. Unless it’s green and leafy. According to Ferdie, a salad is worthless unless it’s surrounded by hamburger.

Fiona Foodie - Ferdie’s mother. After her husband’s 13th heart attack, Fiona realized that their family needed to get healthier, and has devoted her life to eating better. Unfortunately warnings to her family members on the dangers of excessive consumption of deep fried Twinkies and cheese logs fall on deaf ears. 
The next two characters came from an idea from my cousin. She suggested I have two characters who were disgustingly in love. Always posting mushy notes for their significant other on Facebook so everyone else could see them. I thought it was a great idea, so I came up with Lorie Luvvie and David Duvvie. A play on the phrase Lovey Dovey. I usually had them bemoaning the fact that they missed each other, couldn't wait to see each other etc.

After a few posts of having them pine for each other and creating sickly sweet nicknames for them to call each other, I decided that they needed a reason that they never got to see each other. I decided that the reason would be that David works in another state. Then I had a weird idea and gave David a job as an armpit sniffer at a deodorant factory. Next time he had lost that job and had become a castor oil tester at a laxative factory. Then I gave him lice so he could test an experimental shampoo. Now my main focus of these characters isn't how sickeningly in love they are, but it's coming up with horrible new jobs to stick David in. I love writing them a lot more now than I did when they were just two gushy love-birds.

Lorie Luvvie and David Duvvie - The timeless and tragic tale of two lovers destined to be kept apart by a series of very strange occupations. David can’t seem to find a job close enough to keep Lorie from acting like the world is at its end.
My next character, Winston Q. Eyeglasses, is similar to BB Tween in that he wasn't inspired by any real-life Facebook friends in particular. I mainly wanted a character to use to reference geek culture. Like BB Tween I also use him as a way to spoof real world things and put my own spin on them. I also frequently have BB and Winston interact, since a lot of teen girls like "Geeky" things, because of the cute guys who play the characters. Winston is a terrible, unfair, stereotype of all geeks and nerds. But I don't care. Stereotypes are fun to write. :p

Winston Q. Eyeglasses - Winston is a geek and proud of it. Winston is probably a genius, but we may never know for sure, because he never leaves his bedroom unless there's a convention or a movie to go to. 
Marty McMacho was not inspired by any real life Facebook friends either. He is yet another stereotype. The extremely overconfident, manly stereotype who loves violence, meat, working out, being awesome, and hating anything "Girly" or weak. It's an easy stereotype to write since there are so many examples in pop culture to get inspiration from.

Marty McMacho - Marty is more manly than you will ever be! He's so manly, that flowers wilt as he walks by. Guns stand up and fire themselves, and anything pink immediately turns black in his presence. His diet consists solely of meat and protein shakes, and if he ever touched a vegetable it was completely on accident. Even Mitch Morebuff wishes he were as manly as Marty. 
Betsy Etsy was inspired by two kinds of people. The first kind are people who try to sell things from their Etsy shops on Facebook. I know a few people like this, but none of them are like Betsy Etsy at all. Most of them are actually very creative, and they all sell unique products.

The second, much more hilarious kind, was inspired by the website Regretsy, a now defunct blog that was dedicated to finding the weird, creepy, and flat out horrible creations that people have tried to sell on Etsy. When I came up with the idea of a character who tried to sell crafts on Facebook, I thought to myself, what if one of the people who ended up on Regretsy were trying to sell on Facebook? And thus, Betsy Etsy was born.

Betsy Etsy - Betsy is a powerful business woman! At least that's what she'd like you to think. She doesn't have a job, and she only makes "Crafty" items to sell online, but she is VERY persistent. Beware of "Liking" anything she's posted, or she might end up Facebook stalking you until you buy the quilt that she just crocheted out of strips of upcycled diaper wipes. 
Amy Aminal has the least interesting explanation of how I came up with a character. I thought it would be funny if someone from PETA were posting on Facebook. That's it. I don't have any vehement animal rights activists on my Facebook friends list, I just think PETA members are funny.

Amy Aminal - Amy loves animals. If you even think about meat around her you'll get such a lecture that your ears will shrivel, and you'll be bedridden for weeks. 
I'm sure that most of you know at least one person on your Facebook like this, the conspiracy theorist who sees signs in everything, and is certain that a vast network of evil controls the entire world. I have more than one, so I had plenty of inspiration for Connie Conspiracy

Connie Conspiracy - The Illuminary are everywhere but only Connie can see them, so she makes sure to tell everyone else. She desperately hopes that everyone will wake up to the pervasive evil that hides in even the most innocent of children's television programs and breakfast cereals.
You know how old people get on Facebook and for some reason they just type in all capitol letters, for no reason at all, completely oblivious to the fact that typing in all caps make's it seem like they are screaming? Well, that was my inspiration for this next character. The name came to me instantly as Elda Exclamation, but then I remembered, I have a character named Joyful Exclamations, so I added an S, and Elda is now Joyful's Grandmother.

These next 5 characters all came from the idea to make a character who was obsessed with organic food, and living a natural lifestyle. Since the natural lifestyle is frequently associated with hippies, I tried to think of a hippie related name to use for the character. My first idea was to name her Flower Child. Ultimately I went with a non-hippie related pun for a name, but I decided to make this a character anyway. I decided that she would be kind of a stereotypical hippie space case. I also decided that I would use do something similar for her as to what I do for Mich Morebuff, and have a different hippie character like her posts every time.

In the end I ended up think of so many good names, that I spun them all off into separate characters. The original "Natural/Organic" character I decided to name Leia Organic. A play on the name of Princess Leia Organa from the original Star Wars trilogy.

A lot of people who lecture extensively on the benefits of natural living, often eat things that are most decidedly not natural. I didn't want to make Leia Organic be like this, so I used my unnatural fondness for puns, and came up with the name Hippie Critical for a completely different character.

While I was still trying to decide on a name, a friend suggested Granola. I liked it, but I thought it would better as a last name. I started looking up hippie names that began with G, since I am so fond of alliteration and I ended up finding two that I liked, Gretta and Griffin. I decided that since I already had a natural/organic character, I would use both of these names and have them be a married vegan couple.

Flower Child - Flower is a free spirit who loves animals, the environment, and Tye-Dyed T-Shirts.

Leia Organic - Leia an all natural, 100% organic, grass-fed, modern day hippie with strong opinions about everything. For your own sanity, here's a short list of a few of the things you should never bring up around her: non-organic produce, vaccinations, pasteurized milk, Fun-Meal toys, carbonated beverages, breakfast cereals, GMO crops, chemical fertilizers, High Fructose Corn Syrup, factory farms, pesticides, junk food, fast food, frozen food, processed food and microwaves.

Hippie Critical - Hippie has strong opinions about everything too, but she talks the talk, and doesn't walk the walk.

Gretta and Griffin Granola - They met at a Woodstock anniversary concert and bonded over vegan corn dogs. They were joined in a psychedelic union of love the next day. Peace, Love, and Happiness, man.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Twist Ending: 2!

You may recall recently that I recently had a very unpleasant encounter with a customer that I decided to fictionalize, and I gave it an ending that made the very petty side of me giggle with malevolence. You may find that HERE if you would like a reminder.

Yesterday I had another rude customer, and for some reason my childish side decided that a similar fate should befall her as well. Since the first story had been for a writing contest, I gave myself the same parameters. Kill her off in 200 words or less. I did it in 197. As before, everything in the story is completely true. The first two paragraphs anyway...


“Have a nice day!” I called out, setting the last of the groceries into the customer’s car. I closed the trunk and wheeled the empty cart back into the grocery store. Inside, an elderly woman was rummaging through a purse which she had set on top one of the two rows of carts. I collected a second cart that another customer had left in the entryway, pushed them into the row that the woman had not blocked off, and headed back inside.

“Boy, you sure are noisy!” The old lady vociferously exclaimed behind me as I entered the store. I honestly thought she was joking so I started laughing and turned around, only to see her glaring at me with a fury so malevolent, that you would have thought that I had just slapped her face, spit in her eye, and insulted her long-dead mother.

Just then, from outside there came a thunderous roar, and the window beside the carts shattered inward as the head of a massive Tyrannosaurus Rex burst though. In one swift motion, the beast snatched up the cantankerous old woman, and swallowed her whole.

The poor thing had indigestion for days afterwards.


I've now decided that as long as I keep having encounters with rude people, this kind of story will be a regular thing. So, a word of warning - Be nice to me, or I will literarily kill you.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Mr. Rogers

John Green recently did a Mental Floss video about Mr. Rogers, and I thought I'd share it here. Mr. Rogers was a big part of my childhood, so I'll always have a soft spot for him and his show. :)

And just because I still love this video, the PBS remix video of Mr. Rogers.

Mr. Rogers was one in a million. The world would be a better place if more people lived life like he did.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Croods: Movie Review

Last night my cousins and I did something we almost never do. We went to a movie on opening night. Usually, to avoid the crowds, we wait until a movie has been in the theater for awhile before we go see it. But for whatever reason we decided to brave the crowds and go see "The Croods" on the first night anyway. And we were all glad we did. It was amazing. In so many ways.

The Croods is about a family of cavemen who are forced to leave the safety of their cave and travel across a vast, unknown country in search of a new home. It is not like anything you might expect. The cavemen do not speak in grunts, none of the animals are real, and for a story supposedly set in "The Stone Age" this movie was teeming with gorgeous plant life.

As a minor side note before I really begin, I just wanted to say that something I found very refreshing, especially from a movie called "The Croods" was that it was not crude in the least! There was not one single burp or fart joke in the entire movie! Before I went to see it I thought to myself, wouldn't it be hilarious if they subverted the audience's expectations completely and did not have any crude humor whatsoever? Little did I know is that is exactly what they had done!

The one thing all three of us noted most about the movie was how incredibly hilarious it was. I know I tend to over-use the word hilarious sometimes, but this movie was genuinely laugh-out-loud funny almost the whole way through. The characters all had distinct personalities, and they were all funny in different ways. I loved the grandmother. I tend to love "Old Ladies With Attitude" characters anyway, so this was a natural favorite for me. The baby was also hilarious. She didn't speak, but was almost like a savage little dog. The scene in the beginning where they use her during the hunt to chase down the ram-bird was hysterical!

The main character of the movie was a teenager named Eep. I loved her name. Don't ask me why, but I just found it so funny that her name is Eep. Eep is like most teenagers, she wants more freedom than her parents will allow, but she has a real problem with her dad, Grug. He is extremely over-protective, and terrified of everything. His motto is "Never not be afraid." One day Eep meets a hot young caveman named Guy, who has a pet sloth named Belt. (Belt holds his pants up) Guy is the complete opposite of her dad. He is far more courageous than her father, he loves exploring the world, and he invents things like fire, shoes, and giant puppets. When they are forced to move, Grug begrudgingly allows Guy to lead them across the wilderness in search of a new home.

Aside from the writing and characters, I also loved the art and animation. Everything was so vibrant and colorful. It was a visual feast. The animals were also extremely creative. As I said before, none of them were real. One might expect to find all the stereotypical "Stone-Age" creatures in a film about cavemen, but this was not your typical caveman movie. This was pure imagination at its finest. The closest it came to having "Stone-Age" animals was a mammoth and a sabre-toothed cat, but neither of these were your typical creatures either. The Mammoth seemed to be part leopard, and the Cat was part macaw, but they didn't look strange at all. The design was fantastic! Almost all of the animals in the film were some kind of hybrid/imaginary creature. Aside from Belt, I don't think any of them were real animals at all. There were whales that walked on land, Swarms of piranha-birds, a crocodile puppy, and giant snaggle-toothed, spoon-billed, fish-turkeys.

The last thing I should note about the movie was the music. It was great. The two main parts that stand out most in my mind, are the beginning and the end. In the beginning, during the hunt, the music is done by what sounds like a cross between an orchestra and a marching band. It was such a strange choice, but it worked so well! And finally, the music at the end. Two words, Owl City. That's all I really need to say. It was so good. But don't just take my word for it, watch the music video for yourself!

To sum up my feelings about this movie: GO SEE IT!!! There is no way you will regret it! I left the theater with a huge smile on my face that would not go away, and I wanted to go back and see it again immediately! I haven't felt like that about a movie in a long time! There are quite a few movies that I am looking forward to seeing this year, but they are going to have to be EXTREMELY good if they want to top The Croods!

Friday, March 22, 2013

A Twist Ending

Last week I entered a writing contest. The winner was announced today, and it wasn't me, but I don't really care. I had fun writing the story anyway, so I'm sharing it here. The theme of the contest was "Bump Off Your Enemies." And you were supposed to do just that, in 200 words or less. In your story, of course. No real murders allowed. :)

I couldn't think of any real enemies, but this one particularly nasty customer from the store where I work came to mind immediately, so I decided that he would be the literary victim in my story. Everything in the story actually happened. Right up until the little old lady enters the scene. After that it was what I WANTED to have happened. Apparently I'm very petty. :)


“Have a good day!” I said to the man with a smile, handing him his receipt.

“How about a thank you!” he shot back. “It’s none of your business what kind of a day I have!”

I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. Some of my customers have a very odd sense of humor.

“Thank you.” I said, smiling.

“And don’t you forget it!” He wasn’t joking.

Unfortunately I did forget it. A week later he came through my line again, and once again I wished him a nice day.

“What did I tell you? Thank you!” He turned to my manager, “Why don’t you teach this guy some manners!” He was fairly shouting now.

Suddenly he was blindsided upside the face with an enormous purse. It was a tiny, grandmotherly-aged woman. “Shut your face! Why don’t you grow up?”

“WHAT?!” The man screamed.

“You heard me!” the elderly woman said. “Grow up, you cantankerous infant!”

Enraged, the man turned fifty shades of red. Suddenly, without warning, a huge chunk of meteorite exploded through the roof of the store, leaving a smoldering crater where the man had been standing.

Well,” said the little old lady, “Good riddance.”

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Guess what time it is! That's right! Rant time!

Recently I have noticed a number of pretty obvious hoaxes spreading around Facebook. Usually some sort of terrifying story with warnings that you need to share it with all your friends, because everyone shares the stupid jokes, and they won't spread the word about this horrible danger and the dreadful tragedy that will befall all of your friends and family should they be uninformed and fall victim to this terrible misfortune that you were warned about, but were heartless enough to keep to yourself.

Really? Does no one know how to research anything any more? You're on the internet for pete's sake! The single largest repository of human knowledge on the planet, and you still just blindly click the "Share" button without asking yourself, "Is this real?"

Even if the story includes photographic evidence, it is still quite likely a fake. Anyone with rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop can cobble together a picture of a puppy-sized spider hiding behind a garbage can waiting for their next victim. Anyone with a printer can print out something they typed up about drug dealers marketing candy flavored drugs to children, and photograph the words to make it look like they clipped the story out of a newspaper. Just because you read a story on the internet doesn't make it true!

When people spread these fake stories without finding out if they are real, all they are doing is helping the trolls with their fear mongering. The people of Facebook spread this garbage much farther than any one troll could ever hope to by himself, and when you click the share button you're just contributing to the dumbing down of humanity. Pretty soon their will be no sane people left. Everyone will by reduced to a quivering bundle of fear, curled up under their desks in the fetal position whimpering because they're afraid that Obama's coming to micro-chip them, or that gang members are putting deadly drugs on payphone buttons, while drug addicts are hiding HIV positive needles in the coin slots. None of these stories are true, but everyone keeps sharing them.

The next time you see a "Friendly" warning on Facebook, or in your e-mail, ask yourself "Is this true?" If it sounds like something that other people should know about, then take two seconds and look it up! There are so many sites that are dedicated to doing the hard research for you. is the most trusted and well known one, but there is also and many others! There is no excuse for passing on fake stories without finding out if they are real, or if they were just made up by some 40-year-old loser with no life who lives in his mom's basement and gets his kicks by scaring everyone.

Rant over.

Friday, March 15, 2013

U Spel bad 10

 photo USpelbad_zps83f8b785.png


I HEARD you hate proofreading.




Why would you think this is right? (ECHOEY)


Someone's been ROBBING you of your intelligence.


This kind of mistake no longer surprises me in the least. (VERSION)


SOMEONE get this person some help, please!


No one is JEALOUS of your spelling skills.


I don't think this person was able to decide whether they were going for the singular, or the plural form. (WOMEN)


Wow. I think you're the CHIMPANZEE.


You're spelling is DISGUSTING.


Unless there's a new creepy crypto creature that I've never heard of, I'm pretty sure the word you're looking for is BIGFOOT.


*Rolleyes* (MERELY)


Former. FORMER! How could you get this SO wrong!?


What are you, three? (SUBSCRIBE)


This is the OPPOSITE of good spelling.


Your spelling is not APPROPRIATE for children.


Can bad spelling be called WICKED?



elk paso

What is this? A land of giant Mexican deer? (EL PASO)

Soup Opera

I laughed, but this wasn't a joke. (SOAP OPERA)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Oz: The Great and Powerful

Last night my cousins and I went to see Oz: The Great and Powerful in the theater. I loved it. I probably enjoyed it more than most people in my age group. But I am one of those weirdo artists, so I like a lot of things that "Normal" people my age don't like. Stylistically Oz is similar to Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, just less dark. It is a very colorful, fantastical film.

I have always liked the Wizard of Oz. I saw the first film when I was little. I remember mom being hesitant about letting me see it because she was afraid I would be scared of the witch. As far as I remember, I wasn't. Later when I got older I read the book and realized that whoever made the movie didn't do a very good job following the book. Those ruby slippers? They were supposed to be silver shoes. Glinda the good witch of the North? In the book she was from the South, and The good witch of the North was a completely separate character. The Emerald City? Not even green. Everyone was required to wear green tinted glasses while in the city, and they all just thought it was made of Emeralds. To top it all off, in the book everything really happened, but in the movie, it was revealed in the end to have all been a dream after Dorothy hit her head and blacked out. These differences were not all necessarily bad things, but there were also many many scenes cut out of the book, and ever since then I've wanted to see a more faithful adaptation of the book. This movie was not it. But I don't care.

This version acts more like a prequel to the MGM film, while incorporating more elements from the book, but the writers put their own unique spin on everything as well. Dorothey is not featured at all, instead the movie is about the Wizard, whose name is Oscar, but his stage name also happens to be Oz. The film tells how he came to Oz and eventually became their ruler. It is not based on any of the books, but borrows elements from them.

Like the MGM film, the movie starts out in black and white (Sepia Tones) and then becomes color when The Wizard arrives in Oz. Unlike the MGM film, in addition to the change in color, it also switches aspect ratios, and goes from a confining, square, full screen picture, to a much more open widescreen picture. The effect was great and it was probably one of my favorite things about the movie.

Also like the MGM film, there are only three witches in the movie, but which witch is which is not revealed right away. I'm not sure if they even called any of them the witch of the North, South, East, or West, so there may still be a fourth witch living in Oz who was not featured. The witch of the North was a very minor character in the book anyway, so it doesn't bother me that she never showed up.

Thankfully the Emerald City really is Emerald. It looks almost exactly like the Emerald City in the MGM film. Which, in my opinion, is a very good thing. That was one part of the book I really disliked. Even as a kid I thought it was so stupid to trick people into thinking the city was all green. What was the point?

One thing I appreciated was the incorporation of the China Country from the books. That always stuck out to me as one of the biggest omissions from the MGM film. Even though it was not integral to the overall plot, it has always been, in my mind, one of the biggest differences. The only change was a sign in the background that called it "China Town," instead of the China Country. I suppose this was some sort of joke, given that the town is made of China, and not inhabited by people of Chinese descent.

Another thing I really liked were the allusions to various characters from the books. In the beginning, a woman named Annie that Oscar seems to be in love with, tells him that she is now engaged to a John Gale. Given that Dorothy's last name is Gale, I think it is safe to assume that this woman is her mother. The scarecrow was hinted at as well, in the form of an army of scarecrows used to defeat the witches. I wonder if one of these scarecrows will eventually be brought to life as the scarecrow that Dorothy discovers on her way to see the wizard. The Cowardly Lion himself also made a very brief appearance, and he was actually a real lion! Though he has become a very iconic character, I never liked that in the MGM film he was a just man in an extremely unconvincing lion costume.

Thankfully the end did not reveal the entire movie to have all been a dream like the MGM version did. That was one thing I really grew to dislike. It didn't bother me when I was a kid, but as I got older and thought more about the implications of it, it seemed such a cheat for her to have gone through all those incredible adventures only to wake up and discover that none of it happened at all. I was very glad that this film seemed to follow the book and have all the events really happen. I say "Seemed To Follow" because this version also used the idea of having several actors play double roles as both a character in Kansas and then as a completely different character in Oz. In the original film this was because Dorothy dreamed the whole thing and her subconscious used people from her real life to populate the world of her dream. I hope this was just a nod to the original film and not meant to suggest that Oscar just dreamed the whole thing.

Aside from the things that were based on the book, or based on the MGM film, there was a lot to love that was completely original to this film as well. For starters, there is the entire story. It is all brand new. I love stories where a bad guy becomes a good guy, and though Oz was not necessarily a "Bad Guy" he definitely was not a good guy. He started out as a selfish con man but by the end of the movie he had completely changed his ways. On the opposite side of the coin, there is also the character development of the Wicked Witch of the West. That was a new twist on the story that I really liked as well. I won't give away any of this aspect of the plot because it is one of the big "Reveals" later on in the film.

I also liked the creatures and plants used in the movie. In stark contrast to the dull sepia tones of Kansas, when Oz arrives in Oz everything is completely saturated with rich colors. It was like candy for eyeballs. Very similar to Wonderland when Alice first gets through the door after falling down the rabbit hole. I loved the little birds that looked like hummingbirds, but also had a hint of peacock in them. I also liked that the flying monkeys seemed to be of at least two separate species. The Wicked Witch employed a fleet of ferocious baboons who fly using bat-like wings, but there is also a much tamer species, at least one of which can speak English, who have bird-like wings. I like the idea of more than one kind of flying monkey. I think it would be cool to see flying apes as well. A flying gorilla with huge wings would be awesome.

If you have already seen this movie and enjoyed it as much as I did, then you will be happy to know that Disney is already working on a sequel. Eventually I hope that they will get around to adapting more books in the Oz series into films as well. When I first heard that this one was coming out I bought the complete series for my kindle, and I have been slowly making my way through them. Even if they just use these books as inspirations, like they did for this film, there is so much to work with. The land of Oz is only one land out of many that L. Frank Baum created, and I would love to see more of his work brought to life on the big screen. This is one of the rare times that I wouldn't care if they followed the books closely or not. A lot of them are simplistic stories with not a lot of conflict that just really would not make for a good feature length movie. But taking ideas, locations, characters, creatures, and some of the basic plots from the books and crafting them into a screenplay, could make for an awesome movie, provided they can get a writer who will do justice to the source material.

All in all, I really enjoyed this movie. If you're an Oz fan, or if you liked Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, then you owe it to yourself to go see it.

P.S. I never reviewed it on my blog, but I loved Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and for those who are interested, Disney is also working on a sequel to that movie. I am really looking forward to both!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Facebook Friends #9

Have you "Liked" my blog on Facebook yet? I've recently started publishing short biographies of all my "Facebook Friends" characters on my blog's Facebook page. This is a Facebook exclusive thing for now, so if you want to learn more about all the characters featured here, go to to follow this blog and receive all my updates.

 photo FacebookFreinds_zps7b951b78.png

Joyful Exclamations
This is my new theme song!!!

Lurking Liker Likes This
Joy Lyrical This is totally the best song ever!!! :D
Gloom Lyrical This is the worst song ever.
Joy Lyrical You can't see it, but I am totally rolling my eyes at you, Gloom.
Rainbow Sunshine This just made my whole day. :)

T.M. Info
Who left all these butt hairs on the toilet seat?!?
Mrs. Info And here I thought last week's snot color post was embarrassing. Silly me.
Lurking Liker Likes This
T.M. Info Tee Hee! *Girlish Giggle*

Mamma Frazzled
How on earth does a 5 year old make an entire mattress explode?!?
Mamma Frazzled Apparently it was a "Science Expiewiment."
Grammie Happy Oh, I just knew it! My little grandbaby is a budding genius! :D

Ima Bean
Cactus needles need your love just as much as parsnips leaves do! Why should they get all the attention? They're nothing but the tops of sickly carrots!

Mitch Morebuff
If you don't work out every day, you're worthless! Your life is nothing! I am awesome! I rock! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Delia Deadlift Likes This
Lorenzo Literate Woah, someone needs to lay off the testosterone and steroid smoothies.
Lurking Liker Likes This

Amy Aminal
I'm organizing  a protest to stop the import of animals to Mars! When humans colonize other planets they should do so without harming any creatures! And if they find any space creatures they should not eat them either! Martians are people too!
Winston Q. Eyeglasses NOSA has already stated that any manned Mars missions would not have animals. It would use far too many resources to care for them in such a hostile environment.
Amy Aminal Well, that's just terrible. They should do it because they love animals, not because they'd be too much of a burden! What a bunch of heartless jerks!

R.W. Republicrazy
Brock O'Malley's coming for your guns! Everyone! To arms! To arms! Start the second American Revolution!
Indie Pendant Good grief! Do you watch anything other than FoxBlogTV? He's not trying to take away all guns! He's trying to pass legislation to make it more difficult for criminals to buy them! For your own sake, PLEASE do some research before parroting what your favorite "News" source told you!
Rabid Liberal Yeah, but he should! This is why no one should have them. Because people like him are crazy! O'Malley is a total idiot for not banning ALL WEAPONS!!!!
G.O. Pachyderm R.W., for once I agree with Indie. Please! You're making us all look like lunatics!
Rabid Liberal You ARE all lunatics!
R.W. Republicrazy No you Democrats are the lunatics! You think all crime will magically disappear if the guns are gone!
Rabid Liberal That's not being a lunatic! Being a lunatic is loving something that can blow your face off!
R.W. Republicrazy I won't blow MY face off, I'll blow off criminal's faces!
Indie Pendant I will never learn. Rational discussion is impossible with irrational people. See you next time one of you posts something dumb. I'm sure I'll stupidly chime in again...

Mamma Frazzled
And now the lid to the toilet seat has gone missing...

Gloom Lyrical
Death to all the kingdoms of adorable,
The sweetness they promote is just so horrible,
The rainbows that they use to fill the skies,
Scorch, flambe, roast, burn, and sear my eyes.
- The Macabre Mountain Goats
Gloom Lyrical I'd never heard of Goth Bluegrass before, but these guys are amazing!

Angry McToiletMouth
Ima Bean Plork-a-vankovitch. Toilotic.

Angry McToiletMouth !

Ima Bean Gasping! Horrific Latrinic Orafice!

Angry McToiletMouth !!! !!!!!! !!!!!!!

Grammie Happy
My grandbaby just came over to give me a toilet seat lid he had painted pink and wrote "I Lov yu grama" on it. My heart just melted!
Gladys Grizzle Mine wouldn't...
Mamma Frazzled Well this explains a lot...

Katie Catlover
Mr. Hamptons just puked up the biggest hairball I've ever seen! But he actually did it in the litter box! What a darling, thoughtful thing to do! I love my sugar scrunch-muffin so much!!!
T. M. Info Wow! It's like you're me, except with cats! :D

Roxy Repost
Try to name a Country that does not contain the letter A. It's pretty much impossible!
Izzy Illiterate Wow! your so rite!!!!!! i nver thawt abowt tht bfroe!!!! thre isnt ny at all!!!!1
Mrs. Info The school teacher in me just has to chime in. I thought of four immediately! :) Greece, Hong Kong, Turkey, and Egypt!
Lorenzo Literate Wow. The simple minded imbeciles on Facebook just never fail to astound me. No Countries without the letter A? Please! Spare me your idiocy! Belgium, Belize, Burundi, Chile, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Fiji, Kosovo, Luxembourg, Mexico, Morocco, Niger, Peru, Philippines, Sweden, United Kingdom, Yemen. Need I continue?
Izzy Illiterate if you wernt myt bruthr id call yu a bad name but mom mite be reding ths so i wont
Lorenzo Literate Well, are you not merciful.
Izzy Illiterate fart for brans.
Lorenzo Literate I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Izzy Illiterate to lat that cownts as a raspons!

Lorie Luvvie
I miss my Huggy Huggaboo! He can't come home this week!
David Duvvie Oh, Scrunchie-Bunchkins! I miss you too! I wish this experimental lice shampoo had worked, but until the Soapy-Suds Shampy-Poo company comes up with a viable formula, I'm not allowed to leave the quarantine room. :(
Lorenzo Literate You really need to learn how to find better jobs, dude.

Ferdie Foodie
The gentlemen of Epic Dinner Time are true culinary geniuses. I bow before their bacon wrapped magnificence. Please, Sirs! Adopt me, and show me your ways! Or at least cook me something!
Lorenzo Literate I hope you know a good cardiologist.

Winston Q. Eyeglasses
Less than a month before the return of Doctor When!!!!
BB Tween I know! I can't wait! Mark Smith is so adorable in his little necktie!!!!

Winston Q. Eyeglasses Suddenly I am less excited...

Connie Conspiracy
The Illuminary are using the show Caraway Street to brainwash your children into worshiping the devil! The "Friendly Monsters" are obviously demons, and they are trying to trick children into believing that Satan is nice! Evil is running rampant!!!!!
R.W. Republicrazy I totally agree! And the way they preach "Sharing" all the time! It is obvious that they are promoting Communism! These people are sick and evil!

Connie Conspiracy Wow! I can't believe I didn't see that! You are so right!!!!!!
Lorenzo Literate *Backs Away Slowly*

Ima Bean
Corn cobs..... Corn Cobs!.... CORN COBS!!!!!
Lorenzo Literate Don't worry, just stay calm. I'm sure that someone will get you the help you so desperately need. I hope...

BB Tween
OMZ!!! I just got the last Evening Falls movie!!!!! I'm so excited!!!! But also sad! I'm going to miss all the hunky glitter zombies!
Izzy Illiterate I no!!!!! im goig too mis jackson's abbs!!!!!

Vaguely McDramaPants And I'm going to miss Edmund's gorgeous eyes! Even the one that kept falling out of his adorable socket!!!

BB Tween Totes agree completely! There will be no one to fill the hunky hole in my life that they are leaving! At least, not until the next Deathmatch Games movie, and we can all drool over Gabe, Wheeta, and Fennec!!!

Marty McMacho I think I'm going to puke my pants!!!!
Lurking Liker Likes This

Rainbow Happy
Just to make your day a little better! :)

Lurking Liker Likes This

Joyful Exclamations I LOVE IT!!! IT'S SO CUTE!!!!

Izzy Illiterate it so uggley its almsot cuute agin. ok its acualy vary cutt!!

Gloom Lyrical Kill it!!! Kill it with fire!!!!

Amy Aminal Go jump in a box of fire ants, Gloom! This is one of the cutest things I've ever seen!

Joy Lyrical, Yeah Gloom, get outa here. Thanks for sharing this, Rainbow!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

U Spel bad 9

New Logo!

 photo USpelbad_zps83f8b785.png


They're not speaking horse, they're attempting to spell WHINEY.

What the heak

Yeah. What the heak is right.


I think you have AMNESIA.


It's pretty clear that your FAVORITE school subject was not spelling.


It will probably take a few GENERATIONS to clean the Durp-Dur-Hur from your gene pool.


Sometimes I have no witty comeback. This is just dumb. (VIRTUAL)


Seriously? This doesn't sound remotely correct. Do you ever proofread? (SONIC)


It's ORANGE. It sounds like you're talking about a weird spice/skin condition...


It's a PANGOLIN! Don't they teach anything in schools these days?


Your spelling DOESN'T give anyone any hope for the future.


HOPEFULLY you are not finished with your education.


*Sadly shaking head* (ENFORCEMENT)


My theory is that no one taught you about SAFETY and you roller skated down a hill into a brick wall with no helmet.


Your COMMUNITY wishes you would move.


PLEASE do not ever attempt to teach a child. Anything.


It's a good thing God doesn't require you to take a spelling test to become a CHRISTIAN.


Your fellow AMERICANS have voted to kick you out. Mexico doesn't really want you either, so Canada is looking for an island to keep you on.


You need some TRAINING in spelling.


Think before you SPEAK. Or type...


The BIGGEST surprise of this post, (Though it's not all that surprising) is that the last 10 entries all came from the same person. The very same person that the last 5 entries in the latest "If I Were A Troll" post came from.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

If I Were a Troll... 2

 photo Troll_zps518484b3.png
All of what you are about to read are real comments from real people. And how I really wanted to reply to them.

Thts Tight!!! I WUDE BUY THAT

Save your money for an English textbook first.

id be like i am an age and i live in my house

I'd be like, you are a dolt, and you need some help.

ma moms fried haws black probslems

Wow. Type slower. Please.

How many languages can u talk! make an demo

Here's a helpful tip: Before you post anything, anything at all, read it out loud, just to see if the configuration of punctuation and English makes sense. Oh, you don't know what punctuation is? Or English? Then why are you trying to use them?

can we cool and friend an for him yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa­aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa in his voivs

Someone, anyone! Find this person and get them some help, please!

im a poo folk too

When discussing how badly you are faring financially, It would behoove you to make sure that you have added all the letters necessary to spell the word "Poor."

Should I ask to permission

I don't know. How do you permission?

I'm so confuse.

Yes. Yes you are.

Why would do that?

I can't answer your question if you don't even know what you're asking.

Poped the asprin i am sweetin woo

Oh, I think you "Poped" more than just aspirin, my friend...

anyone game of dragonballz

I think video games have fried your brain.

I ma pretending I haven't watched this...

I ma pretending I haven't read this. Sorry. I can't pretend that hard.

can we come over to yuor Hose

Wow. That sounds like a good time. Way better that the old days where people came over to yuor watering can.

i demand a new soap is made!

And I demand you make sense. Obviously we can't all get what we want.

U uh back v, child bd n high Cngdigdi

Have you been sniffing paint?

I will speek out against Obama because his A panty wast of A man we need strong men as leader not some panty wast like Obama. A good Christian woman submits to her husband and obey her husband

You just go do that. I hope you enjoy making the members of your party look like fools.

I have A collage degree and alot of Diplomas in trianing in force protection

If I were you I'd ask for a refund for that degree. I think you were sold a lemon.

She another Pinko cummy that is ruin our country. I won guns I hunt and I vote 100% right wing and proud of it. People like her is trying to take away our right of free spreech our right to bear arms and our right to just be americans.

Wow. Just wow. If "Free Spreech" is so important to you, you should learn how to use it correctly.

long live Dixie is the south won the war we would had it made I love flying my rebel flag

And here we can catch a rare glimpse of the Savage Rednecked Hillbilly, far from his native habitat, lost and alone in the vast untamed internet.

Us in rural america are the true amercans we love are guns we love to hunt and we love are meat god bless rural america and the south will rise again

The Savage Rednecked Hillbilly prepares to defend his territory...

Just a little trivia for anyone who might be interested, the last 5 entries on this post all came from the same person. I could have had SO many more entries from this person, but I try to keep this blog at a maximum of a PG level rating, and this man's potty mouth would have pushed it towards an R rating. He was a very unpleasant individual. But then again, most ignorant morons are.

Friday, March 1, 2013

The REAL Story of The Old Woman Who Lived in the Uggs

This is the sequel to The REAL story of the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. If you haven't read it, you should do that first.

Now, as promised to April French, here, finally, is the story of how the old woman came to move into a flip flop.
The Old Woman Who Lived in the Uggs

Once upon a time, there was an old woman who lived in a pair of Uggs. Why did one little old lady need two boots in which to reside? Well, several years ago she had more kids than she knew what to do with. After a brief but severe illness (The old bat went completely bonkers) her best friend took up a collection to buy the family a big enough house to live in. The result was the Uggs.

Ten years later and Gladys Foote was shipping the last child off Fairyland State University to learn how to become a investment banker. Now what was she supposed to do? Two Uggs meant dozens of empty rooms to collect dust, and at her age, she just couldn't keep up with the cleaning. The only thing to do was sell.

After three weeks of having the boots on the market, she finally had a potential buyer. A clan of elderly elves. They used to make shoes of their own, back in the day, but they had recently retired and were looking to settle down and take it easy for a few years before going off to that great big cobbler shop in the sky. The Uggs seemed just perfect for them.

Mrs. Foote showed them all over the house. She had baked fresh cookies that morning for them, but one of the younger, ruder elves told her they tasted like sawdust, and that his cousins, the Keeblers, made much better cookies than she ever would. The oldest, wrinkliest, crankiest elf clonked him soundly over the head with his walker. He hit him so hard that three of the tennis balls bounced off the feet of his walker and knocked over seven of the other more feeble elves, and smashed Mrs. Foote's priceless antique mirror. The mirror sent out a puff of pink smoke, whispered, "Ouch," and was dead. Needless to say, that day did not go well. The elves paid for the mirror, but they never got back to her about the Uggs.

A few weeks later she had another potential buyer. This time it was a large group of snakes. The odd thing was that they were all wearing sunglasses. It made Mrs. Foote a little nervous that she couldn't see their eyes. She wondered if perhaps they were up to no good.

The snakes seemed harmless enough. They explained that they had all recently been unemployed and were looking for somewhere to set up a shop to sell their home-made garden statues.

"The area seems lovely," the longest of the snakes said. "I love the Uggs, and I know we would be very happy here. The only thing that would make this place perfect is if there were an abundance of gnomes around. Do you have many gnomes living in the area?"

"Oh, no!" Mrs. Foote exclaimed in horror. "I would never let my lawn come under such a nasty infestation. I spray gnome-killer every three months whether I see one or not!"

"Pity." replied the snake. "We can't make lawn gnomes without them. They are horrid little creatures, but for some reason people love to set them in their gardens once we've turned them to stone."

"Turned them to stone?" Questioned Gladys.

"Why yes! That's what we do! We can turn any creature to stone just by looking into their eyes. Our boss, Medusa used to use us to destroy her enemies, but then one day she up and decided to go for that new "Pixie" look that's all the rage these days, and she lopped us all off. Frankly, she looks hideous now. She needed the length. It was all she had going for her. Anyway, without any gnomes, I'm afraid this place just won't do. We need to have some way to support ourselves you know. So sorry, it was nice meeting you!"

And with that, the snakes were gone, leaving poor old Gladys there stunned, wondering what exactly had just happened. After she sorted everything out in her feeble old mind she was very, very glad that the snakes had been courteous enough to wear sunglasses.

Weeks passed with no one to even look at the Uggs. Gladys was about to give up hope. She decided that she needed a vacation and went to the beach. She found a lovely little flip-flop for rent and decided to stay there for the week while she figured out what to do. She lay down in the sun room at the front of the flip-flop and let her cares drift away.

As the day wore on, she began to notice clouds rolling in and decided to move further into the house, under the beach umbrella that served as a roof. As she watched the storm come in over the sea, she noticed something odd. It looked like there were people flying out there in the ocean. In the rain. Why would they be doing that? As the storm rolled into land she could see that these were not people at all. They were merfolk, and they were all wearing jetpacks! The sight was so fantastic that Gladys didn't care if she got wet. She went outside and walked down the beach to a mermaid who was picking coconuts and eating a banana. "Hello," she greeted her awkwardly. "What brings you to land?" she asked her. It was the only question she could think of.

"Oh, hello, Ma'am." The mermaid smiled politely. "Today is the day of the land harvest. Once a month, a group of merfolk go to land to pick fruit to bring back home to sell. I love coming up here, the land is awesome! The best part is the bananas!" She punctuated this thought by taking another bite. "What's your name? What are you doing out here in the rain? You seem a little old to be risking your health in a downpour like this."

"Oh! I... I don't know, I mean, I'm Gladys!" She didn't really know what to say. She just wanted to talk to the mermaid, since she'd never met one before.

"Well, where do you live?"

"I live in Fairyland, but I'm on vacation. I'm staying in a rental flip-flop up the beach. Do you want to come over for a banana smoothie?"

"Sure! I love bananas, and I've never had a smoothie before. I'd love to try one!"

"What's your name?" Gladys asked as they went into the house. The mermaid sat down in a chair and shut off her jetpack. "My name is Ocean. I know, it's so cliche. My dad thought it would be funny. Ha, ha, Dad, ha, ha." She took off the jet pack and set it beside her. "So what brings you all the way out here? From my studies of surface geography I know that Fairyland is hours away. Quite a journey for an elderly woman like yourself to take alone."

"Well, I guess I just needed a break." She explained as she put the bananas into the blender. "The last of my kids left for college this year, and I've been trying to sell my home, but I have no buyers. I came here to figure out what to do. I wish I could just stay here and live in this flip-flop for the rest of my life, and never have to worry about going back to Fairyland again." She turned on the blender and mixed the smoothies.

"I know what you mean." Ocean sighed. I love it on land, but I can't afford to move here. Money has been so tight since I moved out on my own. I can barely afford the apartment I'm renting in the shipwreck in Coralville. I'd love to live in Fairyland, I hear it's gorgeous there."

"It is very lovely." Gladys poured her a smoothie and sat down.

Ocean took a drink and looked wonderingly at her glass. "This is probably the most awesome drink I've ever had in my entire life! You have GOT to give me the recipe!"

The two sat in silence for awhile, drinking their smoothies. Suddenly Ocean spoke up. "I have it! I know how I can have my wish, and you can have yours! You could trade your Uggs for a fishbowl, and I'll sell my old jetpack to someone in Fairyland. My Dad just got me a new one as a "Moving Out" gift. With the money from the jetpack, I'll buy you the flip-flop, and you give me the fishbowl! I can live in Fairyland, and you can live here in the flip-flop! It's win-win!"

Gladys thought about it for a moment, a grin slowly spreading across her face. "Yes! Yes, it would! Ocean, you're a genius!"

A week later everything was finalized. Gladys took the Uggs to Goodwill, and traded them in for a two bedroom, three bathroom fishbowl. Ocean sold her old jetpack to Old Mother Hubbard who was having a very difficult time with her arthritis. Now she can get around like nobody's business! Ocean bought Gladys the flip-flop, and then went home to pack. A week later her family helped her haul a seahorse trailer full of stuff all the way from Coralville to Fairyland. After she got settled, she started a Smoothie shop right next to her home. Her specialty flavor was banana.

Gladys retired to the beach, and now lives a quiet life in her flip-flop. Her children still visit her as often as they can, as does Ocean, who comes every week or so to gather coconuts and bananas for her shop. Sometimes Gladys will travel back to Fairyland to see her friends, but she doesn't need to go often, since her best friend Mrs. Hubbard now has a jetpack and can come to the beach whenever she wants. Everything turned out great for everyone, and they all lived happily ever after.

The End.