If you're new to this series, every year, out of the kindness of my heart, I compile a list of unique treats for you to hand out to the little spooks and goblins who come creepin' round your back stair. Sorry. That was a Homestar reference, which was in itself a reference to something else. Either way, here are ten treats that are sure to make your house THE talk of the town for all the night beggars this Malloween. Sorry that was another Homestar reference. I'll stop now. Maybe.
If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016 - 2017
Jiklebeanz & Twibblejinx - I don't know what these are, but they sound like something that a kid would love. I'd say find some of those to hand out, and your Halloween is sorted!
A Tweed Jumper - This one is for Britishes only. Americans only have sweaters, and those are no fun at all.
Insomnia - Most children hate going to sleep, so while you might hate the thought of lying awake until all hours of the night, children everywhere envy your commitment to the wonders of awakeness! The hardest part will be removing your own insomnia in order to gift it to the children, but I'm sure there are ways. The internet is like, super-smart about this science stuff. Just look it up.
Aunt Eggetha's Stamp Collection - You know you want to get rid of that thing. The pages are turning a brownish yellow, and the stamps themselves have no monetary value, since Great Aunt Eggetha licked them all to stick into her scrap book. Aunt Bivvia told her to get a proper collection and some archival-quality materials to catalog the stamps, but Aunt Eggetha just liked the pretty pictures and wouldn't listen. Now they're both dead and for some reason they left this junk to you in the will, along with Great Uncle Egger's whistling banjo. You know what? Let's get rid of that thing too. Some weird little kid out there will probably appreciate that creepy thing, whistling along to itself eerily in the middle of the night. Just give that gross book and the unsettling instrument to the next pair of kids who come along begging for candy. Sugar is bad for them anyway.
A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®©
Did you forget to buy Halloween candy again? I know I did! (Actually I'm lying, I didn't forget, I just hate hate buying things for strange children.) If you're like me, and you have nothing to hand out to all the greedy little gremlins who won't stop pounding on your door, then you need A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®©
A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is available wherever fine dirt clods are found. Backyards, quarries, public parks, sometimes they can even be found near local dumpsters! All you have you do to get your own A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is to dig up a generous mound of dirt with your own two hands, and squirt it with a hose!
Throughout the many several decades of human history, children have relished playing in A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© so why not continue this hallowed tradition, this next hollowed eve. A Gross Pile of Mud!'™®© is all you need for your visitors to have good, clean holiday fun this Halloween. (I'm lying again, they're going to be filthy and their parents will hate you.)Eggs - It's called a preemptive strike. I'm sure I don't need to explain this one to you.
Goose Eggs - For when things escalate.
Ostrich Eggs - A very last resort.
Lobster Bisque - This next treat is not for everyone, as it will require a lot of prep and set-up time, not to mention some extensive home renovations. The biggest hurdle will be the installation of the large bisque faucet onto your front porch. After you get that out of the way, really, the only thing you have to do is fill the bisque basin with the best bisque you can buy. Or the cheapest. After all, this bisque is going to be dispensed directly into a plastic pumpkin that is already full of chocolate and religious pamphlets, and once it has taken on those cocoa and gospel flavors, the original quality of the bisque no longer matters as much. Anyway, I know that bisque hardware is kind of expensive, so feel free to skimp where you can for this one. If you prefer, similar results can be had with a five gallon bucket and a ladle, it's just not quite as fun. Either way, the night will definitely be memorable, both for you and the children.
Maple Leaves - Admittedly, this one is only okay in Canada, as Maple leaves, at least as far as I know, are still illegal in most of the United States, and many other countries around the world. Why they were only just legalized in Canada this year I don't know, as Canada has prominently featured this humble foliage on its flag since 1965. Now, when giving these tasty treats out to the childr- Huh? Sorry, excuse me, my editor wants to talk to me, I'll be right back...
...Sorry about that, I have just been informed that Maple Leaves are in fact NOT illegal, and never have been, in America, in Canada, or anywhere. I seem to have internalized some misinformation spread via Facebook, about which plant life has or has not recently been legalized in several regions of North America. Please forgive my mistake. I cannot not promise it won't not never happen ever not again.