Wednesday, July 18, 2018

#TrueFacts (July 2018)

Did you know that coleslaw is actually lettuce confetti? #TrueFact

Did you know that sauerkraut is actually soggy lettuce confetti pickles? #TrueFact

Did you know that Kimchi is actually festering fermented soggy lettuce confetti pickles? #TrueFact

Did you know that during the Yugoslavian Reunification Celebration, the national anthems are played on a fleet of nose bugles? #TrueFact

Did you know everyone spells 3rd wrong? It’s therd, not third! The reason someone replacd the E with an I iz a misteree lost too tiim. #TroofAct

Did you know that milk is collected from the milkberry bush? The milkberry fruits are small spheres similar in size and texture to popping boba. If you let the milkberries sit long enough on the plant, they becomes a cheeseberries. #TrueFact

Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte’s grandmother had a llama named Tina? Napoleon threw ham at Tina. He was a bit strange, that Napoleon. #TrueFact

Did you know that the pope’s hat used to be a propellor beanie? The propellor fell off about 600 years ago, he never bothered to fix it. #TrueFact

Did you know that sponges and kiwi birds are related? No one knows how, but they keep showing up to the same family reunions. #TrueFact

Did you know that clouds are giant sheep ghosts that are stuck in the atmosphere? #TrueFact

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Last Month Online (June 2018)


Lots of music this month. I suppose to make up for the abundance of comedy last month. :)

We'll open and close this post with Lindsey Stirling, who made two amazing videos this month!



Lindsey wasn't the only busy one this month, Peter Hollens put out three amazing songs as well! I'll spread these out as well. Each one was with a different guest artist, including The Hound + The Fox, who put out a separate song of their own, which I will include later on as well. :)



Devin Graham has done a video like this next one before, and it was just hilarious. But apparently I never featured it on my blog! So if you'd like to see the original before you watch this one, you can click here. However, of the two, this one is my favorite, partially because of the hilarious, epic waterfall dive, but kind of mostly because of the HILARIOUS cameo/twist ending reveal.



Jonna Jinton is back with another haunting song. I love her voice so much!



I don't think I've ever featured Ryan Higa on my blog before, he usually does comedy skits, but this video was so creative, I just had to share. I love dancing, I love stop-motion animation, and this was like the perfect creative fusion of the two.



One of the reasons Peter Hollens had so many great songs this month, is that he just released a new album, comprised entirely of folk music. One of my favorite genres is European/Celtic folk music, which is mainly what this album contains.



Tessa Violet is back! I absolutely love the aesthetic of this video, and it's nothing more than her just singing in a grocery store! I swear, she can make the most mundane things just seem brilliantly creative!

Every time I watch this video I wonder about the logistics of the shoot. Did she rent out a whole store to shoot in, or did she just film in a store while it was open? Are the random shoppers all paid extras, or are they all just random shoppers? How did she get up on the freezers? I feel like the staff has to either be part of the shoot or were prepped in advance, because I can't see any normal grocery manager being okay with any of this. :p Anyway, sometimes I dissect these videos too much. :p



I've never been a very big country musc fan, but somehow, when it's done a capella, it's just elevated to something so much better than just 'country music.' And VoicePlay are just excellent at what they do.



Scarborough Fair is such an iconic folk song, it's hard to improve on some versions I've heard, particularly Celtic Woman comes to mind, but Somehow The Hound + The Fox manages to put their own, amazing spin on it. And the music isn't the only amazing thing about this video, just look at their locations! The lavender fields and the ancient forest are just gorgeous!



One last Peter Hollens before we close. I actually bought his new album twice, once digitally for myself, and once for my parents' anniversary gift, because they love folk music too. This music is so good!



And finally, the Lindsey Stirling video I promised at the beginning. I love this one so much! I also love that she was dancing without her violin in a lot of it! I know she learned a lot more about dance when she competed on Dancing With the Stars, so I'm glad to see her getting to use her new skills.


Tuesday, July 3, 2018

My First Night at the Hotel


As I mentioned in my previous work update post, I had something very weird happen on the very first night of work at my new job at the hotel. It was weird enough that I had to write about it, but I thought it was long enough that it deserved it's own separate post.

During the first two weeks I was working at the hotel, I and another guy were being trained by an older lady who had been there for years. She was moving out of state, and her leaving was the reason I was hired. The other guy had been working at the hotel for awhile, but he had just moved into the night auditor position the week before, so he was also pretty new to everything we had to do as well.

At around 3:30 in the morning an elderly woman clutching a baby doll slowly rounded the corner into the lobby. We have a front door across from the desk in the lobby that we can see, and a back door that enters into the hotel, directly behind the offices, far enough back in the building that we can't even hear it from the front desk.

So this elderly woman comes into the lobby, and all she can do is whisper, "hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi." She's probably at least in her 80's if not 90's, and she can't even tell us her name, or where she came from. Because of the placement of the back doors, we can't tell if she's come in from outside, or if maybe she wandered out of a hotel room.

The woman training us went out to try to help her, but without a name, or knowing where she came from, there wasn't much she could do, but she did notice that the woman felt like she was freezing cold, which meant that more than likely she had come in from outside. This was the middle of April, but we had an unusually cold spring, and that particular week we'd had a cold snap. I was coming to work in my winter coat every night, and one morning I left work and there was a thick layer of ice I had to scrape off my car. So yeah, it was cold. Not knowing what else to do, the woman training us had the other guy go get her a blanket, which she wrapped around her, and then got her to sit down in the lobby, and sat with her.

I wondered if she had wandered away from a nursing home, since it was obvious that she had dementia. The fact that she could only repeat one word, as well as the fact that she was carrying a baby doll, which she was treating like a real baby, were all things I had seen a lot when we went to visit my grandpa before he died. He wasn't nearly this bad, but he lived in a dementia ward, and there were a lot of people there who would fit the same description of this woman.

The guy who was training with me decided to try to call the nearest nursing home, so I did a search on google maps. The nearest one was only 0.2 miles away, practically next door. It's so close that it had to be where she came from. It seemed obvious that she had escaped, except, having worked in a nursing home, and having spent so much time visiting my grandpa in another one, I kind of knew that there was no way that could have happened. The amount of security they have to prevent the residents from escaping, from locked doors to security alarms, means that there should be no way for someone to escape, and if they somehow managed it, someone would have been alerted before she got very far. She'd have to have been a complete genius to make it past everything, unless someone there was just completely incompetent.

So he called the nursing home, and the person who answered told him she didn't think they were missing anyone, but they'd do a head count and get back to us. And sure enough, they weren't missing anyone, all their residents were accounted for. They did send over a nurse though, to try to help communicate with the woman, but she was no more successful that we'd been. She couldn't get her to tell her anything, and she was still whispering, "hi. hi. hi. hi. hi. hi." over a half an hour later. The nurse asked if she could check her pockets, but she had no form of identification, she had no life alert or other medical emergency tags or jewelry, and her name was not written in any of her clothes like it would have been had she been in a nursing home or dementia ward.

Finally it's nearing 4:30, an hour later, and I suggested calling the police. I didn't know the number, or how to use our phone system yet, so the nurse gave me her cell phone, where she already has the non-emergency police number ready. So I called the police, but when they showed up, they're no more successful that any of us. The nurse finally did get her to answer yes or no questions by shaking or nodding her head, but even that didn't really help, because she did indicate that she had a husband, but in her condition, you never know if that's currently true, or if she's remembering something from a time long ago.

Finally around five or so, the nurse convinced the woman to get up and come with her, back to the nursing home. She said she'd find a room for her and try to get her warmed up, because it's at least an hour and a half later and she's still cold. The police helped get her out to the nurse's car, and I figured that would be the last we heard about her. We all got back to work to try and catch up on everything we hadn't been doing for the last hour and a half.

Another hour and a half go by, we've sort of caught up, not quite, but we made pretty good progress considering that two of us didn't really know what we were doing yet. About a half an hour before we left, around 6:30, someone, I'm assuming the nurse who came to the hotel, called us to let us know that they found out where the woman had came from.

The area surrounding the hotel and nursing home is full of apartments and townhouses where elderly people can live, without actually having to physically move into the nursing home. I'm assuming sort of like the independent living apartments at the nursing home I used to work in, except a lot more spread out, like a small neighborhood. This woman had been living with her husband, who does not have dementia, and he had basically been her caretaker. I don't know this, but I am going to assume he was around the same age. Evidently he'd left the door unlocked, or she knew how to unlock it, and she just got up and left in the middle of the night.

The people at the nursing home said they were going to try to convince the husband to let them take her, because it was pretty obvious that he can't care for her on his own. It was very cold that night, like, maybe 30 at the highest, definitely below freezing. It was a good thing that she just happened to wander into the hotel, or she could have frozen to death! Obviously I can't really go and find out, but I hope her husband did agree to let the nursing home take care of her, because she really needs to be somewhere where she can be supervised.

So anyway, that was my very first night at the hotel. The woman training us told us after everyone had left, "It's not always like this, I swear!" And so far it hasn't been. I've been here almost three months now, and so far that was by far the strangest thing that has happened. Nothing else really even comes close. However, if anything else weird does happen, you can be sure that I'll let you know about it. :p

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Rotoscopers Roundup 7


It's time for another Rotoscoper's Roundup! As I said in my last one of these, I was going to start putting these out every six months. So here is everything I did between January and June of 2018!

World of Tomorrow Episode Two: The Burden of Other People’s Thoughts: Short Film Review

The BFG: Blu-ray Review

Star Wars Rebels: Trailer & Return Date Announcement

Steven Universe: Season One: DVD Review

Rugrats: Seasons 3 & 4: DVD Review

Star Wars Rebels: Roundtable Review: Jedi Night & DUME

The Little Prince: Indie-Mation Club: Intro & Review

Star Wars Rebels: Roundtable Review: Wolves and a Door & A World Between Worlds

Infinity Train: Series Pickup Announcement

Star Wars Rebels: Roundtable Review: Series Finale

Marvel Cinematic Universe Countdown: Guardians of the Galaxy

Black Panther: Blu-ray Review

B.C. - Back to Civilization: Production Announcement

Early Man: Blu-ray Review

Marvel Cinematic Universe Countdown: Ant-Man

Alice (Neco z Alenky): Indie-Mation Club: Intro & Review

Avatar: The Last Airbender: Blu-ray Review

Looney Tunes Cartoons: New Series Announcement

Friday, June 22, 2018

Twist Ending 13

New Logo! Also, since it's been so long, if you're interested in the previous installments of this series, you can follow this link.

This post is way different than any of my other Twist Ending stories. Usually I have the first half be true, while the second half is fiction. This time, this story actually contains multiple real-life incidents that actually happened to me while at work, but they are all told within a completely fictional framework. These incidents are all very similar, so I decided I'd combine them into one long story.

The grocery store where I work occasionally holds fund-raising drives for various causes. Childhood illnesses, military veterans, disaster victims, etc. Every time we do these, the vast majority of people do not donate. And I am perfectly fine with that. I actually don't really even like asking people to donate to things, it's just kind of awkward all around.

However, awkwardness is no excuse for rudeness. To me, the most appropriate response to being asked to donate to something for which you might not feel you have the money, or whatever reason, is to just say, "No thank you," politely, and move on with the transaction.

That is not what (far too) many people do, and those people are why this post came to be.

~

"Hear ye, hear ye! Court is now in session!" A towering, angelic-looking man with four arms, wearing flowing white robes, stepped up to the bench and addressed the sea of people before him. He was at least 6 feet taller than anyone in attendance, and seemed even taller from his place behind the bench.

"For those of you afraid that this is the afterlife, and that this is your final judgement day, don't worry! This is nothing like that! Well, mostly nothing like that! This court is closer in relation to the human concept of karma, than of actual judgement. I am a judge here, but the cases I see are all strictly petty in nature, and none of them deal with anything even close to the kinds of cases my colleagues over in Finals see in their courts."

The judge sat down, but still towered over the people in front of him. "All right! All of you here today were pulled from your current time and place, moments after your transgressions took place. You are here to bear witness to your 'crimes,' and to hear your judgement in person, but you will not be permitted to defend yourself, as we have complete omniscience in all matters pertaining to your case. We know your every motivation and action, from the moment your offence took place, to now. We know what you would say to defend yourself, and we have already rejected it."

The judge began rifling through some papers on his desk, using all four arms, and pulled out a large file, opening it with his lower set of arms, while gesturing with his upper set. "When your case has been heard, and your judgement delivered, you will be put back exactly where you were when you were taken, and you will have no memory of these events. However, when you experience your judgement, or 'karma' as it were, you will experience something like a memory, and you will know exactly why your fate, whatever it is, has befallen you."

The judge started pulling papers out of the file with his upper arms, and examined them, making a stack on his desk. The number of papers in the stack was quickly surpassing the number of papers that the file seemed to hold, but he still had more. "I see that I have a surprisingly large number of cases that are the same, and this first bunch are all quite mild. It looks like the defendants in these cases will all be let off with more or less a warning. If I call your name, please approach the bench."

The judge, apparently calling a great many of their their names at once, said something that no one could understand, except, it seemed, for the people he was addressing. Dozens of people stood up at once, and they all stepped forward. "Okay, I think we can get all these over with at once. Every case here is relatively the same, let's review the evidence."

Behind the bench, a massive screen appeared, and dozens of videos, all showing the accused, began playing simultaneously. However, on every screen, the exact same scenario played out, and the exact same dialogue was spoken. The defendants were all customers at the same store. Their purchases had been rung up, and the cashier was asking them all almost the same question.

"Would you like to donate to, (and here the audio was overlapped as several different charities were named) today?"

"No," the customers replied, "I'm good." And here the videos ended.

"No, I'm good," the judge repeated, staring at the dozens of people before him. "No, I'm good. Do any of you hear the irony in that statement? Had you simply stopped at no, and preferably a no thank you, you wouldn't be here today. However, adding, "I'm good" to a refusal, polite or otherwise, to give to a child with cancer, or a hungry family, or victims of a storm, shows a complete lack of self awareness on your parts, bordering on a lack of empathy. You may be good, but those for whom the charity is collecting, definitely are not."

The judge picked up his stack of papers with his upper right hand, and began looking through them before continuing. "I know that most of you probably didn't think anything of that statement when you made, it, you just wanted to get your transaction over with and move on with your day. But those statements do not go unnoticed, and I really just want to make you aware of how you sound when you use them."

Using his lower arms, the judge began typing at a computer that had suddenly appeared before him, while while flipping through his papers with his upper arms. "In a minute I will be sending you all back to the moments you were pulled from. You won't remember your time here, but you will be acutely aware of your words, any time you use that particular phrase."

The judge finished typing and looked out at the people before him. "None of you will be able to say 'I'm good' anymore without cringing a little inside, even in benign situations. Eventually you will not be able to say it at all." He set down the papers, which immediately vanished. "Thank you," he said, gesturing with his upper right arm, "You're all dismissed." And with that, the crowd vanished.

Once again the judge began removing a massive stack of papers from his file. Holding the stack in his lower arms, he flipped through it with his upper arms, removing papers as he went. "Okay, looks like we're going to do another batch judgment. However, these ones won't be getting off as lightly as the last one." He repeated his call from earlier, and again, dozens, if not hundreds of people all stood up at once. In fact, most of the courtroom stood up at once, leaving just a few individuals still seated.

The crowd of people all approached the bench together, and as before, the same screen appeared and began playing in unison. This scenario was almost exactly the same as before, up until the customers' reply. All of them were variations on the same thought. "No thanks, I've already donated." "No, I donated yesterday." "Oh, I donated the last time you guys asked."

The screen vanished and the judge turned around and stared at the defendants. "Really? You expect us to believe that? You already donated? Not even the cashiers believed that." Across the crowd of people, several faces began turning red with embarrassment.

The judge continued. "Half of you said you donated 'last week,' or 'yesterday,' when the charity drive hadn't even started yet. If you're going to lie, at least make it believable." Using his lower arms, he began typing at the computer again, as he looked through the stack of papers in his upper hands.

"All of you committed variations of the same act of dishonesty, so all of you will be receiving variation on the same judgement," he said, still typing, and looking through the files. "All of you will be the victims of some very minor instances of dishonesty. Some of you will get tiny door dings on your cars from people who will not leave notes. Some of you will drop money, just something small, like a five or ten, and someone will see it happen and just keep it."

The judge finished typing and set down his papers, which once again vanished as they left his hand. "None of your karmic sentences will be earth shattering, just minor inconveniences. And from now on, you will feel more than a little guilt should you lie to a charity in the future, and eventually you will be unable to lie, and your default reaction will be to just donate immediately. Thank you, you're all dismissed." And the crowd was gone.

"Okay, that brings us to the individual cases," the judge said. It looks like we just have three today. I'd say that's good, but really, that's three too many. Justin Patterson! Approach the bench!" A young man slowly approached the bench, as the screen behind the judge began to play.

In this video, the cashier finished the man's transaction and began to ask that old familiar question, "Would you like to donate-“
“NO!” the young man snapped angrily, interrupting the cashier who looked stunned.

The screen vanished and the judge just stared at the man. "Really?" That's how you respond to someone who was asking you to donate to a children's' hospital? There are children literally dying in your own state, in your own town, and you angrily refuse to help them, while at the same time berating someone who was just doing their job? Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame on you. Your punishment will be far more psychological than the others'.

He began typing again, but he stared at the man the entire time, not even looking at the paper in his hand. "From now on, every time you see a sick child, whether on TV or in real life, the scene we saw today will play back in your mind. The only way to relieve yourself of the guilt will be to donate to another charity. You will lie awake at night, unable to sleep until your guilt has been assuaged. And that won't happen before you donate far more than you were being asked at the grocery store." He finished typing, still looking directly at the man, and he set down the paper which vanished.. "Dismissed." he said pointedly, and the man was gone.

"Hiram Daniels!" the judge called, pulling out another file. "Approach the bench!" Once again the screen appeared and a new scene began to play. The elderly man approaching the bench was in a grocery store with a younger woman, his daughter.

"Look dad," the woman said pointing out a sign by the checkout. "They are collecting donations for victims of that hurricane in Texas. Do you want to donate $5?"
"No! I'm not doing that!" the man abruptly replied.
"Dad!" his daughter was taken aback. "You've got a daughter down there!"
"So?" the man snapped back. "She's not getting flooded!"
"Dad!"
"What!? Nobody gave me money when my house got flooded! Why should I?"

"Why should I?" The judge turned around as the screen vanished behind him. "Why should you help total strangers in need? Because it's the right thing to do! It doesn't matter if no one helped you. If someone refused to help you, they will have their own day in court. You are responsible for yourself, and yourself alone."

The room began to slowly get darker. "Your judgement will be of your own doing. Your selfishness will be your downfall." In the distance, thunder faintly rumbled and the judge continued, slowly rising out of his chair. "Slowly but surely the people around you will realize how terrible your behavior is, and slowly but surely they will distance themselves from you."

The judge seemed to have gained several feet as he now towered over the old man in the quickly darkening room. "Finally, when you are all alone, you will die, lonely and friendless, with no one there to mourn your loss." Thunder crashed around them and the room was almost pitch black, save for the judge, who seemed to be eerily lit from below.

The old man stared at the judge in horror.

"Was that too much? That was probably too much," the judge said as the lights flicked back on and the thunder abruptly ceased. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do." He sat down and began typing as before. "No, you won't die alone, but you will push people away. Once you start losing people, you will vaguely remember the circumstances in my original judgement, and out of fear that something similar will happen, you will be forced to come to terms with the kind of person you have become. You will seek out those you have wronged to make amends, and you will be forced to humble yourself and ask for their forgiveness."

He finished typing and set down the man's paper which vanished. "In addition, whenever you see a donation drive for hurricane victims, no matter where in the world it's happening,  you will guiltily remember the scene we just watched, and you will donate twice the maximum of what the charity is requesting. Dismissed!" And the man was gone.

"Okay, on to the last case!" the judge said, holding up the final sheet. "Janice McMurphy! Approach the bench!"

A middle aged woman slowly approached the bench as the screen appeared once more, showing one last scene at the grocery store.

“Would you like to donate milk to the local food bank?” the cashier asked the woman, as they finished her transaction.
“Sure, I guess," she replied. "How much is it?”
"It depends on how much you want to donate," the cashier explained. “We have options for $2 for a half gallon, or $4 for one gallon.”
“What?" the woman exclaimed incredulously. "Forget it!" she glared at the cashier. "That’s ridiculous! You can buy a gallon of skim milk for $1.69!”
“Well, they don’t actually send specific kinds of milk to the food banks," the cashier replied, taken aback by the woman's sudden attitude. "They send out vouchers to the food banks to give to families who need them.”
“I don’t care," the woman snapped. "That’s insane. $4.00 for milk? I’m not wasting my money on that when they could get skim for $1.69. No. Forget it. What’s my total?”

The screen vanished and the judge glared at the woman who turned red, and then paled. "I have seen a lot in my 4000 years on this bench, but somehow, some people still manage to surprise me. Not only were you downright rude to your checker, but you tried to dictate how a charity uses the funds that they collect. Or worse, what kind of products those in need are allowed to have. What happens if someone has a dairy allergy? What if they have a malnourished child who needs the whole milk? Why should they be forced to drink skim milk simply because you didn't want to donate a higher amount? The selfishness of some people still manages surprise me in the absolutely bizarre ways that it can manifest itself in them."

The judge turned to his computer once again and began to type. "For your punishment, I feel like I need to get creative. For starters, you're going to develop a dairy allergy. You're either going to have to start buying the most expensive, lactose-free milk, or some other expensive and/or disgusting milk substitute. Either that or your going to have to buy a lot of probiotics, and those things are not cheap. Next, you are going to start meeting people exactly like you at your own job. A lot of them. They will be rude, dismissive, and just plain angry. It will happen every day, and will continue until you realize that these people are behaving exactly like you. You will be forced to come to terms with your own terrible behavior, and as you change yourself, those around you will change as well. Lastly, you will no longer be able to resist any charity. Every time you see a food drive, or donation box, you will remember the terrible interaction we just witnessed, and your shame will compel your generosity. Soon that new generous attitude will spread to other areas, and you will be donating to homeless shelters and clothing drives, and volunteering at food banks and hospitals. Eventually you will become a completely new person, and the person you once were, will only exist as a dark flicker in the back of your memory. Sometimes you will think of her, wince in quiet shame, and move on with your life, vowing to never go back to being that wretched person again. Dismissed."

The woman vanished and the judge was left alone in his courtroom. He set down her paper, which rose upward, as the previous papers reappeared beneath it. The judge gathered up the papers and returned them to his file. He typed some notes into his computer and checked his calendar. "Oh great," he muttered to himself. "I've got the nursing home cases tomorrow." He rolled his eyes. "Those are always a treat." And with that, he was gone.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

#TrueFacts (June 2018)


Did you know that in most states, it’s illegal to have a favorite child? It’s ok to have a favorite sibling, just frowned upon. #TrueFact

Did you know that McDonald’s in Scotland serve a McHaggis burger? It’s pretty much the same thing as a Big Mac. Without the lies. #TrueFact

Did you know that in a small village in India, a tribe of monkeys domesticated a herd of pigs to use as horses in the India Nappolis Pig-Hundred? #TrueFact

Did you know that some humans lay eggs? They're about the size of an ostrich egg, which other humans occasionally mistake them for. But the human eggs are purple, so why anyone would think it was an ostrich egg is beyond me. #TrueFact

Did you know that if you plant a taco in the ground and water it with salsa, it will eventually grow into a burrito bush? Yeah, I don't know where I get this stuff. At least this one makes more sense than that last one... #TrueFact

Did you know that many Biblical scholars believe that the Apocalyptic Demon Locusts spoken of in the book of Revelation are actually shrimp? This would explain why the consumption of shrimp was forbidden in both the books of Leviticus AND Deuteronomy. #TrueFact

Did you know that black holes are a symptom of cosmic star acne? #TrueFact

Did you know that Ferris wheels are powered by giant invisible hamsters? #TrueFact

Did you know that pork rinds are made of pig's toenails? And you thought they couldn't get any more disgusting. #TrueFact

Did you know that the fear of clownfish is called Ichthycaulrophobia? #TrueF- What? The fear of fish clowns? Wow. Okay, well it's too late to fix now. What a disaster. Goodnight everybody!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Out of Context 3!


Obligatory disclaimer, none of this will make any sense make sense. These are all real quotes that I overheard, in conversations, out in public, with family, at work, wherever, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without. Even if these are funny to no one but me, I still think they're worth immortalizing. :p


"That looks like an angel food cake stuffed with relish." 
"I enjoy talking about all the body parts I'm getting in the mail." 
"It looks like a mannequin lost a fight with a wood chipper." 
"You're a moist husk." 
"Can’t the blind cat nibble the nuts!?" 
"I don't think burning Yule garbage is a tradition." 
"Are you fading in front of your tiny hunk of pie?" 
"Earlier I ate a Happy, a Princess, a Vanity, and something else. It's kind of a blur." 
"It is heaven in a little basket." 
"I'm just over here petting my sock." 
​"I heard its plastic screams from upstairs." 
"Tell that to my underwear." 
"What will we do without our cheese hobby?!" 
"I can't believe the Tunisian crochet hooks were in the Tunisian crochet hook drawer the whole time!" 
"Are you getting tired of your crinkle?" 
"Sometimes I forget that the 70's happened all over the world." 
"Someone has crunchy crumbs in their beard!" 
"It's a dark, mysterious chasm of filth." 
"Did you drizzle the squash flesh?" 
"I don't have any pleasant meatball memories."