You know the drill: These are all real quotes, from real conversations that I had, heard, or overheard. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.
Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.
"It's a sourdough panini full of mint and pop rocks."
"I like that she’s a 40-year-old woman.""Don't sneeze on me, you filth!""We had a screaming match over whipped cream.""I'm breathing on you with my human breath!""I'm gettin' $9 worth of mealworms.""Right now he's got the cocaine rat and is going berserk."
"It was in the chicken hole."
"People kept choking on the babies."
"There's a lunatic in a van chasing me.""There’s kind of an obnoxious smell coming from the sink hole.""It’s like drinking jet fuel!""You were blessed by the kitten fairies.""I have a purple cardigan with a bad reputation.""Maybe it's Monday in my heart.""Inside every snowflake is a tiny naked person.""Tear out its jingley entrails!""Can I try a baby out?""I'm not the meat-mobile.""I'm so full of cake. And fatigue."