Thursday, August 8, 2019

Out of Context! (August 2019)


Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations, or overheard in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.


“I hear a British person. And rustling." 
“They love the balls of filth.” 
“Mmmmmm.... Milk solids.....”
“Is your armpit hair tasty? Is it like marshmallows? 
“Your nose has changed.” 
“Things are pretty naturey out here.” 
“I’m just gonna stand here and eat raw tortillas.” 
“My innards feel fine.” 
“I forgot that the Dino had sweet moves.” 
“It will be a very quiet death match.” 
“You could have written ‘Toad Tinkle’.” 
“He’s got a fistful of pudding!” 
“So you would eat the angry alpaca?” 
“It’s okay if you commandeer a random napkin, it happens.” 
“I’m scarred from a very unfortunate fiber supplement.” 
“Beautifully coiffed in tights? I’d take it. Let’s dance, Baby.” 
“A little life advice: Never eat an old nitroglycerin pill because it’s really bad for your teeth.” 
“I’m always up for a new mozzarella adventure.” 
“He’s touching your beans again." 
“I’m just gonna squeeze this stripey thing one last time.”

Monday, July 15, 2019

#TrueFacts (July 2019)


Did you know that the American folk song, "Skip to my Lou" has its origins in Great Britain? The original song was a nursery rhyme about a bathroom emergency. #TrueFact

Did you know that there is a tiny island kingdom in the South Pacific that the locals refer to as the Helium Empire? Due to the underground helium vents that cover the island, everyone there has permanent chipmunk voice. Visitors are cautioned to speak sparingly because literally everything you say is hilarious, and several people have accidentally laughed themselves to death. #TrueFact

Did you know that a double bass is just a big ol' cello daddy? #TrueFact

Did you know that a guitar is just a cello that got shrunk in the wash? #TrueFact

Did you know that an electric guitar is just a moody teenage guitar going through a "phase?" #TrueFact

Did you know that a ukulele is just a newborn baby cello? #TrueFact

Did you know that a violin is just a cello that hasn't hit puberty yet? #TrueFact

Did you know that a viola is just a violin’s weird European cousin that no one really believes exists? #TrueFact

Did you know that the number 8 is like pretty much the same as infinity? So like, if you have eight dollars, all you have to do is turn it on its side, and then, like, you'll have infinite dollars! Isn't that cool? That's how it works, right? I'm pretty sure that's how it works. #TrueFact

Did you know that that thing, you know, that one thing that happened in that one place that one time? That thing that happened almost ten years ago! That thing is almost a decade old! I can't believe it! That thing makes me feel so old when I think about it. #TrueFact


Thursday, June 27, 2019

10 Years Ago


Like I've said in a couple previous posts, I'm way behind in posting photos. Not 10 years behind, but in collecting all the pictures I still want to post from the last couple of years, I found a folder full of pictures from my old flip phone from 10 years ago! So, in the interest of archiving them for myself, and sharing them with whoever might be interested, I decided to make a blog post with them.

First up, apparently a rare selfie from me. Not sure why I took this, but here's a picture of 22-year-old me, from February 2009.

*Content warning* I am in a bathrobe doing a bathroom mirror selfie. Why? I literally have no idea. Just thought you should be warned, this is a shocking image.


I miss that phone. I mean, I wouldn't get rid of my smart phone for a flip phone again for anything, but I did love that phone. I loved the color, the snap of it closing was so satisfying... I wish there were a way to get the best of both worlds from today's smartphones. Is it too much to ask for a dark purple smartphone that can snap closed in a satisfying manner?

A bunch of these pictures were ones I had taken at my job. From early 2009 to mid 2010, I worked in the kitchen of Elm Crest Retirement Community. It wasn't the greatest job, (some days it was downright awful) but there aren't many options in Harlan. The worst part of the job was usually the dishes. Specifically the dishes used to cook and store the food. We could use a dishwasher for all the plates, cups, silverware, etc. (Thankfully) But everything else had to be done by hand. By me. And for some reason I decided to document that one night.



To this day I still hate doing dishes. ESPECIALLY in a commercial kitchen.

Another thing I took some pictures of at Elm Crest was a vault I found in the basement. I mean, it's not like they were hiding it and I discovered something they'd been keeping classified, but no one ever told me about it, so when I walked down this particular hallway, it felt like I had discovered a secret mausoleum, hidden away from the public's eyes.



When I was a little kid, my family was part of a homeschool choir, and one thing we would do was go to sing for the seniors at local nursing homes, usually at least twice a year. The choir disbanded years before I started working, but some of us, and even some who hadn't been part of the original group, would still try to at least get together around Christmas and go caroling. We did that in 2009, and we included Elm Crest as a stop, and I took a picture of the event schedule they had hanging in the assisted living wing where I usually served dinner.


The last picture on the phone was taken in January 2010, after a big snowstorm. There was a tree outside the Alzheimer's unit that had lost a huge limb in the night.


Through all of my teenage years and into my early 20's, my family had a lot of cats. They were frequently the targets of my camera, as they were pretty much the only animals we had around that I could photograph. I have lots of pictures from old cameras, but apparently I took a bunch on this phone too.


It's been so long, and we had so many cats, that I can't remember their names.


I think these were taken through a basement window.


We had one named Polar Bear. I think this was him.


Po for short.



Mom always acted like she didn't want any cats in the house.


**ACTED** like she didn't want them in the house.

Incidentally, there is currently, as of June 2019, a stray cat that my parents have named Mr. Friendly, who they now let into the house on a semi-regular basis. So...

One of these days I should get a picture of him up on this blog. Next time I go home I'll try to make it a point to get some pictures.

Anyway, these were all the pictures I had on my phone. Plus a bunch of blurry things, and pictures I couldn't figure out what they were supposed to be or where they were taken, but I decided against sharing those. So this was an interesting look back at a year in my life, through a cell phone camera that I barely used. Will this be interesting to anyone but me? If you're reading this, I guess it must have been. :p

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Your Monthly Horoscopes! (June 2019)


So, I'm trying something new! Horoscopes! I think I may have just become some kind of oracle, so you can probably take these predictions as true prognostications of the future! Or not, because chances are, I just completely made all them all up. Enjoy!

Aries

You will fall into a large sum of money this month! But beware the leeches who will steal it all away.

Because you are also going to fall into a gross pond and get sucked by disease-ridden leeches and your astronomical medical bills will completely deplete all your newfound wealth. Oh well. Nothing lasts forever!

Taurus

You will meet the most beautiful person you've ever seen this month. They have the most amazing laugh, and a heart-stopping smile. They drive a Ford. Your love was never meant to be.

Because you drive a Chevy.

And you're both in cults.

And your car worshiping cults hate each other.

Yeah I said it. You Chevy vs. Ford people are in cults. If you need a car, just buy a car! Who cares which multi-billion dollar corporation you're giving your money to! They don't care about you! If it drives, it drives! Sheesh.

Now if you'll excuse me, the new iPhone is going to be out next week, and the line outside Best Buy is already halfway to McDonalds. I need to claim a tent space.

Gemini

You will meet the subject of a cloning experiment gone awry. And they look a lot like you! Oh wait, sorry, apparently you were the RESULT of a cloning experiment gone awry. So like, you're going to meet the original you this month! Congratulations! I’m sure you two will have a lot in common.

Cancer

You have cancer.

Leo

Oh, hey! Your Uncle Leo is coming for a visit! Cool! That guy's pretty fun. Make sure you hide the good silverware though. Remember what happened last time.

Libra

A glass jar of gravy will fall off the shelf and smash by your feet as you shop. People will think you did it on purpose. Or, at least, you will think that people will think you did it on purpose. But they won't. No one's paying any attention to you. No one even cares.

Scorpio

You will have to clean up a smashed jar of gravy at work. Sorry. But hey, it could be worse! Remember that time a kid barfed on the floor? See? Could be worse!

Sagittarius

I still don't know what a Sagittarius is. Is it like a depressed goat? Apparently you’re going to meet a sad goat sometime this month. Weird.

Capricorn

This month your wildest dreams will come true, and you will meet an actual, real live unicorn! And it will have a baseball cap stuck on its horn? Or maybe a bottle cap? A gas cap? I don't know man. The future is really hard to see sometimes.

Aquarium

You are lacking in companionship. You should buy a fish tank! And if that doesn't work out, you should get some batter and a deep fryer.

Pisces

What? Pisces? Pieces? Like, Reeses Pieces? Those are pretty good. You should get some of those. Either that or a puzzle. Some Ikea furniture? Something with pieces. Is this even the right zodiac thing? I don't know. I may or may not be phoning this whole thing in at this point. I think I'm done now. See you next month. Maybe.

Probably not.

We'll see.

I'll check my horoscope.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Overheard 4


Wow. It has been a long time since I did one of these. Like, the last one I did was at the end of 2017! I said in that post that I had a few more to share, mostly examples of things I've overheard at church, and then somehow a year and a half passed, and I never wrote it. Oh well, I'm here now, so let's do it!

For those of you who have never seen one of these posts before, it's pretty self explanatory. All of these stories are things that I have overheard in real life, at church, work, out in public, etc. This is different than my newer, "Out of Context" series, in that I include the whole conversation, and everything that happened is very clear. If you would like to read the other three posts I made in this series, I will have them linked here.


In the last post I said I still had conversations I'd overheard in church to share, so I will start with those. At least half of these I've probably had since then. Some are just random snippets of conversation that I have overheard, that really don't have anything to do with church, they just happened to take place there. Like this one, where I heard a little girl talking to her friend about a new culinary adventure she'd recently had.
"I ate clover! It's true! I promise it's true!"

Or this one, where a little old man started telling a story.
"When I was a small child, just before dirt was invented..."

Most of these overheard anecdotes happen between church and Sunday School. There's a fellowship/coffee time for people to visit and catch up, and a lot of random conversations can happen around me. Like when my grandma was discussing her favorite kinds of books with a group of elderly women.
Woman 1: “I like reading the Amish books.”
Woman 2: “Oh yes, me too.”
Woman 1: “I mean, they’re all the same story I guess, but I still like reading them.”

There was another time where another elderly woman was talking about her family when they were kids.
“My brother used to call me his ‘Little Muggin-Hose.’ I don’t know what that is, and maybe I should be insulted, but nobody could ever tell me what it was, and he’s gone to heaven now, so I guess I’ll never know.”
I actually googled that phrase, in a variety of spellings, and I never figured out what it was, so hopefully I haven't accidentally profaned my blog with some kind of old-fashioned swear. 😆


Once in a while there will be some kind of food served during the coffee time, and one of those days there were a bunch of tiny bowls of fresh fruit sitting on a table for people to help themselves to, which led to a very random and hilarious interaction between an elderly couple.
Elderly Gentleman: "Oh look at that! We have Jell-O today!"
His wife (looking at him like he was crazy): "No it's not, it's fruit!" 
He just looked at it and said, "Oh, okay." and went off to talk with someone else at a nearby table. He had missed church the previous Sunday, and this other person was wondering how he was feeling.
Elderly Gentleman (cheerfully): "Oh, I'm still not feeling the greatest, but I'm on drugs today!"

One Sunday before Sunday school started I overheard a Sunday school teacher who taught one of the younger classes, talking about her students.
“Every day I ask the little kids how their day is going. They think it’s because I’m trying to be nice and get to know them, but really it’s because I want to be amused.”

Last year the church completely restructured the way they did Sunday school, but up until that point, I had been attending class with my grandma, and at that time they had the whole church divided into age groups. So I got quite a few gems from going to Sunday school with the seniors.

Such as the day the teacher came in and said, "Good morning! How's everyone doing?"
Another elderly person in the class immediately came back with, "Well, we're here."

The teacher of the senior class was himself a senior, and he had a quite a few of his own, including this one, which to me, was one of the funniest things he ever said. And it was completely by accident.
"And then, that translation of the Bible was called the Septuagint! I had to learn that word from the microwa- I-I-I mean the World Wide Web."
He was completely serious, and it was all I could do not to just die laughing right there in class.

Another time he was talking about someone he heard on the radio.
"I was listening to a preacher on the radio, and he seemed to be pretty good, until he wanted to sell me a recipe for unleavened bread."

After the Sunday school classes were restructured, all the classes had a mix of people from all different age groups. In one of the first weeks of the new format, a woman greeted an elderly woman who entered the room.
Woman: "Good morning! Are you joining our class today?"
Elderly Woman: "Well, yes."
Woman: "Well then our class is going to get wiser!"
Elderly Woman: "Oh?"
Woman: "Because you’re here!"
Elderly Woman: "Okay, well, I hope that makes some difference."
I love dry humor, so this woman's delivery had me in stitches. Internally of course. Outwardly I was pretending I wasn't hearing anything.


Other than at church, most of my overheard conversations come from work, but I do have a couple of exceptions this time. One was from my nephew's birthday party, where a little kid I didn't know was wearing a party hat, but at the front of his head, like a horn, and he had to show it off to someone, who I am assuming was his mom.
“Look! I’m a unicorn! I’ve finally transformed! Aren’t you proud of me?”
Another anecdote was from a day I was at the zoo. We stopped in the gift shop, and as is pretty standard in zoo gift shops, there were plenty of children begging their parents for toys. I overheard this conversation between a pair of siblings who had just been turned down at the stuffed animal section, one of whom was significantly more pouty than the other.
Little Boy: "Our parents are so mean to us..."
Little Girl: "Not all the time..."

In the past, most of my overheard conversations have come from work, as I work at a grocery store, and I see a LOT of people. Since I got my job at the hotel I haven't worked nearly as much with the public as I used to, so this resource has mostly dried up, but I do still have a few examples from before my grocery hours went down. Such as this conversation between a little boy and a checker who must have known him.
Checker: "Did you have fun at pre-school?"
Little Boy: "Yeah! I was crying!"
Checker: "Oh no! Why were you crying?"
Little Boy: "I got in trouble."
Checker: "What?"
Little Boy: "I hit someone! But he hit me first!"
Checker: "Why didn't you tell a teacher instead?"
Little Boy: "I did!"
Checker: "Before or after you hit him back?"
Little Boy: *silence*

One day a very talkative, almost-but-not-quite hyperactive little boy came through my line with his mother and sister. He was rather energetic, and his sister seemed to be getting real fed up with his antics, and quipped:
"Jake, we're going to give you some night-night medicine!"
I don't know exactly what that means, but apparently it wasn't good, because her mom looked horrified and exclaimed her name in shock.
"Samara!!!"

The day after a snow storm, one of the baggers at the store, a teenage boy, came in from helping a customer out with groceries. As he took off his coat he exclaimed, "It's so slippery, I was doing a Bambi dance out there!"


Church isn't the only place I overhear conversation between elderly people. I heard this one at the store while I was bagging for another checker.
Checker: “Did you find your husband?”
Elderly Woman: “Yeah I found him.”
A moment later a little old man came up beside her.
Elderly Woman: “You said you’d be right back! I was about to ask them to call for you over the intercom. ‘Would little Davey please come to the front of the store?’”

Last year after I got the job at the hotel, I transferred to the grocery store's bakery to fit into my new overnight schedule a bit better. There are a lot fewer conversations to overhear back in the bakery, especially early in the morning, but I did get one. A small child was looking through a bakery display, in the middle of the summer.
“Mom! Look! They have Thanksgiving stuff already! See? It says pumpkin!”

At the hotel where I work now, we have a small, approximately foot-tall, bronze statue of the Iowa State University mascot, Cy, who is a buff cardinal, sitting on the desk/counter, by my computer, where we check in the guests. I just took a picture of it so you can see what I'm talking about.


One middle-aged guy seemed to like it a lot, and was commenting to his wife how they should get one. A minute later he called his teenage son over to show him the statue.
Dad: "William, look!"
Mom (To the son): "He's been rubbing it..."
Son (looking strangely at the dad): "That's weird, dad."

And that's all I have! I have no idea if I'll do another one of these posts, I haven't collected many of these since I started working at the hotel, I work overnights, so I don't see all that many people from which I can overhear hilarious conversations, but if I hear any, I'll keep collecting them just in case. If I get enough for another post in the future, I'll probably do another one, it is just unlikely to happen any time soon. :)

Monday, April 22, 2019

Watch This! (April 2019)


This year has just been flying by, and I keep forgetting to make one of these posts. I'm glad I decided to just cut these back to whenever I feel like making one, because between work, and everything else I've had going on, I have not had time. And then the past month I have been putting it off because I said I wanted to make a new graphic for every post. I haven't had time for that either. But tonight at work, it was slow, so I decided to just go ahead and make the post, and then maybe I'll be more incentivized to sit down and make a logo when I get home.

For those curious, it took me six days between writing this post and making the logo. 😆

So to begin with, I updated a previous post with a new video, so if you are a fan of Studio C's Lobster Bisque series, then check that out, the new video is at the bottom. And if you've never seen Studio C's Lobster Bisque Series, then check out the post and watch all the videos! 😆

The Lobster Bisque Post

Next we have a video from Poppy, which is just about everything I love about her. A smidge of weirdness, a dash of fake innocence, and whole lot of biting sarcasm presented as sincerity. 😆



This video from Walk off the Earth is so good, but rather bittersweet, considering it was one of the last videos they shot with Beard Guy before he passed away at the end of last year.



Another amazing video from World Order! Side note, is this their first song in English? I feel like their songs have all been almost exclusively in Japanese up until this point, save for a word or phrase here and there. Either way, I loved this video.



One of my favorite "Genres" of Peter Hollens video is when he does Disney songs, and his villain songs are always great. This one of Be Prepared from The Lion King is no exception.



One of my other favorite Hollens genres is Middle Earth music. This one is amazing.



Postmodern Jukebox recently did a jazz version of the theme song for Pinky and the Brain, featuring the real Pinky and the Brain, Rob Paulsen & Maurice LaMarche!



In February, Mike Tompkins covered one of my favorite Panic! At the Disco songs!



Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was one of my favorite movies from last year, and a bit of what made it so great was the music. Kurt Hugo Schneider arranged an amazing version of Sunflower to promote the home video release of the film, which I have to say, is one of the best examples of a brand integration video I've ever seen! I wish more studios would take this approach to marketing their films!



And then we got another Kulning video from Jonna Jinton. I don't care how many of these videos she makes, they blow me away every time.



This next video from Pomplamoose was one of my favorites, and it was only made as a ridiculous April Fools post. 😆



One of my favorite things is when a Muppet character shows up on a late night show, especially when it's a Sesame Street character. Oscar the Grouch appeared on The Late Show with Steven Colbert to promote his new book. And it worked. I bough a copy. 😆



We'll end on a high note, with my favorite music video so far, this amazing cover from Pentatonix.

Monday, April 8, 2019

700!



This is just a quick post to say, I have hit the big 700! Is that a traditional milestone? I don't know. I forgot I was even counting these milestones, it's been so long since I've hit one. I don't post anywhere near as frequently as I used to back in the day, and I literally almost missed this one.

I had just finished putting up my internship post, and I was taking a walk back down memory lane, clicking on the different tags, such as "Life Update" "Iowa State University" etc. Just seeing what I'd written years ago. Which is the main reason I even keep this blog. It's basically the digital equivalent of a diary, except I let everyone read it. :p

I was reading my 666 Cake Tricks post, (Which I still think is hilarious BTW, click HERE if you want to read it yourself. :p) and I realized that I had tagged it, "Posting Milestone" because I had written it as my 666th post.

I thought to myself, "Oh yeah! I forgot I used to do that." So I clicked the tag, and saw that the last "Official" posting milestone post was for 600, back in January of 2017. I had done one for every hundred I'd hit till that point. I wondered where I was now, so I checked and saw that I had 698 published posts! I was so close to a milestone that I figured I'd better just keep up the tradition, so here I am!

That's really all this post is. I'm sure it doesn't mean much to any random readers, but like I said, the main reason this blog exists is for me, so I'm just writing this post for me. :)