Out of Context! - The Breakfast of Weird Champions.

I have totally neglected my blog this year. Between getting a new job, and working on my podcasts and other projects, I just have kind of forgotten to post much of anything. But for some reason today I felt like making a post, and I still had a backlog of Out of Context Quotes, so I decided to just do it.

So of course, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, as usual, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

"It's like a hairy stick."

"It looks like a sloth riding a camel."

"It pays to be discriminating with pickles."

"I like quietness. And soft surfaces."

"I keep trying to do these romantic, rat's nest hair-dos."

"He drank some mud water over there."

"I remember a lot of sleeve sniffing."

"He used to love his leopard print jingle Mousie."

"That's a war cry? What? That's pathetic!"

"It could be a llama girdle."

"My alpaca has a magical shark belt."

"The breakfast of weird champions."

"You have beautiful toes."

"Mmmmmmm, flesh. Your favorite."

"I don't normally lick my fins."

"Why do I suddenly want a picture of myself as a duck?"

"Most kids are sad little pickle haters."

"I'm a bubble snob."

"She's the one with the chickpea shampoo." 

"I think I'm just smelling my skin." 

 

If you like reading these Out of Context posts as much as I like making them, you can find the entire collection HERE.

Out of Context! - An Affectionate Clothespin

It has been way too long since I posted one of these. I have really neglected my blog this year. I wish I hadn't but things have come up. Despite everything, 2020 was a really busy year, and my blog definitely fell by the wayside. I made a few posts, but my regular series, like my Out of Context Quotes, just didn't happen very much.

But now I'm back! And I have posts coming! I won't say how many, or when, but more are coming! Starting with one of my favorite series! Which is probably only funny to me, but who cares. This is my blog.

Anyway, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, yadda, yadda, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

 

"I got these pickles with the face of an old lady."

"I saw someone make a rice pudding that haunted me."

"She is definitely hairy and nubbly."

"I wouldn't mind a few pineapple clumps."

"I'm like a mother who wanted a librarian and got a rocket." 

"It's a lettuce tornado!"

"It's a Baptist vampire."

"I was channeling a punk rock princess."

"You could give her an affectionate clothespin."

"Mmmm... I like gnawing on q-tips." 

"She started collecting a whole bunch of hair from all over the place."

"We're gonna need both our guns for when the burlap comes."

"If you're going to be my pastor, then you should know I make these noises." 

"That's like eating a turkey sandwich and hoping for the best." 

"I figured he'd like little old ladies breaking the law."

"You've always been a shoe baby."

"He was on that commercial with the roadkill that I loved."

"Did you hear about the night Timmy drank the pancake batter?"

"It's so cute how you still make baby otter noises."

"Is a strange man touching your toes?"

If you like these Out of Context posts as much as I do, you can find the entire collection HERE. 

Out of Context! - Full of Cake & Fatigue

You know the drill: These are all real quotes, from real conversations that I had, heard, or overheard. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

"It's a sourdough panini full of mint and pop rocks."

 

"I like that she’s a 40-year-old woman."

"Don't sneeze on me, you filth!"

"We had a screaming match over whipped cream."

"I'm breathing on you with my human breath!"

"I'm gettin' $9 worth of mealworms."

"Right now he's got the cocaine rat and is going berserk."

"It was in the chicken hole."

"People kept choking on the babies." 

"There's a lunatic in a van chasing me."

"There’s kind of an obnoxious smell coming from the sink hole."

"It’s like drinking jet fuel!"

"You were blessed by the kitten fairies."

"I have a purple cardigan with a bad reputation."

"Maybe it's Monday in my heart."

"Inside every snowflake is a tiny naked person."

"Tear out its jingley entrails!"

"Can I try a baby out?"

"I'm not the meat-mobile."

"I'm so full of cake. And fatigue."

Out of Context! - A Baby of Substance

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard. These all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

Also, I decided to change up the way I title these posts. Since they obviously do not happen every month, instead of putting the month in the title, I'm going to use one of my favorite phrases from the post to differentiate between entries.

"Oh man! That's a good puff!"

"I had a caramel once, made by cloistered nuns. It was very soft."

"Murder the rainbow donkey!"

"Father Time will snack on the bluebirds."

"I wonder what would happen if you put a kidney stone in a rock tumbler."

"It smells so good! Like Scotch tape!"

"I need to make you some felt sardines."

"I wanted to experience every textile with my mouth."

"I know of your lust for bagels."

"Do you have meat breath?"

"Do you have linty loins?"

"I'm going to dress you up in little clothes, and make you really mad."

"Now he gets a weird lump beverage."

"I was a baby of substance."

"It sounds like it's raining Beanie Baby guts."

"Look at my haunted pickle slice!"

"She's currently attacking the tablecloth."

"I made a cloudy bat thing!"

"Someday I may rub chickpea flour into my hair, but I don't know if I want to commit to that right now."

"That baby doesn't like this dinosaur!"

Out of Context! (November 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“Would a Raisin Rock be served with a Prune Boulder?”

“Did that English woman, sort of wander off?”

“Apparently he’s never been here on pudding night.”

“You beast-lump!”

"The recipe is in my mother's lavender cookbook, because of course I have a mother who owns a lavender cookbook."

“This counter is a rind graveyard.”

“I feel like I need to walk like a football player-sized penguin.”

“Embrace the goat, man. Lick the goat.”

“I saw a very hairy woman making cheese.”

“I’ll take the turkey with no soul, please.”

"You may touch her back hair."

"There is a Siamese named Jimmy in Minnesota."

"You just poisoned the fluffers."

"I would love a daily finger puppet."

"It's like, I don't want to care about the linoleum!"

"I remember hearing a muffled conversation about oranges while I was floating in the amniotic fluid."

"Those are my experimental cherries."

"I'm sorry I violated your nostril privacy."

"We'll name you Puce. Puce Dribble McFuzz."

"I didn't come down here to massage your scalp."

Out of Context! (September 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“What do I look like? I need to check!“

“It looks kind of like a sentient gumdrop.”

“The ghost has OCD.”

“He was trying to eat pellets.”

“Today we’re going to be eating roof thatch! Just like they did in the old country!”

“It’s a drink with lots of chunks in it.”

"I don't know how frogs work."

“Yeah, I just walk around with cheese in my pocket.”

“He’s just gonna nibble on my coat.”

“Does it have Asian juice?”

“You can trade that for Skittles!”

“No, the real thing! Not that drippy brown imposter!”

“I like the idea of having an armoire with a lot of glop in it.”

“I need to ask my dad about some empty paint cans.”

“It’s like a seagull eatin’ a hotdog.”

“This is my chicken pile here!”

“Decaf Chai, Whales, Oviraptors; basically the same thing.”

“WHAT IS THIS?!?!!! WHY IS THERE MILK IN THIS?!?!!!”

“It needs to be warm, with lumps and a skin.”

“Oh no. They stole a dirt baby.”

Out of Context! (August 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations, or overheard in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I hear a British person. And rustling." 

“They love the balls of filth.” 

“Mmmmmm.... Milk solids.....”

“Is your armpit hair tasty? Is it like marshmallows? 

“Your nose has changed.” 

“Things are pretty naturey out here.” 

“I’m just gonna stand here and eat raw tortillas.” 

“My innards feel fine.” 

“I forgot that the Dino had sweet moves.” 

“It will be a very quiet death match.” 

“You could have written ‘Toad Tinkle’.” 

“He’s got a fistful of pudding!” 

“So you would eat the angry alpaca?” 

“It’s okay if you commandeer a random napkin, it happens.” 

“I’m scarred from a very unfortunate fiber supplement.” 

“Beautifully coiffed in tights? I’d take it. Let’s dance, Baby.” 

“A little life advice: Never eat an old nitroglycerin pill because it’s really bad for your teeth.” 

“I’m always up for a new mozzarella adventure.” 

“He’s touching your beans again." 

“I’m just gonna squeeze this stripey thing one last time.”

Out of Context! (February 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from conversations, or overheard in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I always loved the accordion as a pygmy. And then I would blow bubbles in my milk and be chastised.” 

“The house is haunted! By small British people in tiny sweaters!” 

“They’re at Thanksgiving, the lightsabers are out, and giblets are flying..." 

“Puddle is my favorite flavor.” 

“Who else is going to belch while adjusting my gallbladder?” 

“I do love you, I just hate the way you smell.” 

“Did you check to see how squishy the chicken is?” 

“It’s lodged within the folds of the butter.” 

“This is like Moo-Lava.” 

“I love that we’re overanalyzing the availability of cream of tartar.” 

“They used to be on the endangered list, and now they’re endangering me!” 

“I love the crazed look in your eye as you talk about vintage Parisian tapes.” 

“I wouldn’t mind a hairy Scandinavian.” 

“She took a box of sandwich meat and decided it would make a lovely floral notebook.” 

“Watch out for the lasers from his pocket!” 

“He was chasing me around with more purple things!” 

“I was just laughing at the pickles.” 

“Chipmunks will destroy the house, not impoverished children.” 

“I didn’t want you to moisten your elbow.” 

“Anyway, back to cheese.”

Out of Context 5!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes that were used in conversations, or that I overheard out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“You can just cheese your own corn.” 

“You keep that paper towel between you and their iniquity.” 

“See the celestial beams shooting out of the raccoon’s body!” 

“It sounded kind of like a wet punch.” 

“I don’t want this to turn into a regrettable syrup vat.” 

“Oh yeah, I love the squishy bits in the middle.

“Beware the clove!” 

“Cuddle the egg!!!” 

“Ooh, garbage… Smells like industry…” 

“It’s like moving the livestock away from a tornado. You move them or they will be consumed.” 

“I don’t know why you like me so much, but thanks!” 

“We need a puppy. A puppy and yogurt.” 

“Whenever I see fruit flies hovering around fruit, I think of Lord of the Rings.” 

“Forget sophistication, I want dark, nightmarish Muppets.” 

“Why does that turkey have blank eyes?” 

“Your whole body’s a beard!” 

“If I had a piece of felt pie, I would just enjoy looking at the felt pie.” 

“I had to pry some Hershey’s chocolate out of his tiny jaws.” 

“Did you guys save me the sink hole?” 

“I got pickles. Life is good.”

Out of Context 4!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes that were used in conversations, or that I overheard out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I have two jars of hands.” 

“Do you want to watch Icelandic children color posters?” 

“I'm a Man Flower!” 

“It's gonna kick you with its li'l demon leg.” 

“Look at that chubby girl hand, man!” 

“A cricket burped! Noooooooo!!!"

“A toad’s gotta do what a toad’s gotta do.” 

“It would be hilarious if grandma started obeying the napkins.” 

“There’s a ghost washing its hands.” 

“I was just noticing your little pancake butt.” 

“They’re kind of like drinkable Sundaes with bizarre ingredients.” 

“I just let out a little cloud.” 

“Unfortunately our outhouse burned down.” 

“I had to make a high pitched noise of disturbance.” 

“My fingers still smell like your deodorant.” 

“Hello, my little kneecap.” 

“Am I tickling your little pants?” 

“Are we to have roast preacher for dinner?" 

“I'm excited for my dribble.” 

“I can hear the potatoes singing.”

Out of Context 3!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this will make any sense make sense. These are all real quotes that I overheard, in conversations, out in public, with family, at work, wherever, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without. Even if these are funny to no one but me, I still think they're worth immortalizing. :p

"That looks like an angel food cake stuffed with relish." 

"I enjoy talking about all the body parts I'm getting in the mail." 

"It looks like a mannequin lost a fight with a wood chipper." 

"You're a moist husk." 

"Can’t the blind cat nibble the nuts!?" 

"I don't think burning Yule garbage is a tradition." 

"Are you fading in front of your tiny hunk of pie?" 

"Earlier I ate a Happy, a Princess, a Vanity, and something else. It's kind of a blur." 

"It is heaven in a little basket." 

"I'm just over here petting my sock." 

​"I heard its plastic screams from upstairs." 

"Tell that to my underwear." 

"What will we do without our cheese hobby?!" 

"I can't believe the Tunisian crochet hooks were in the Tunisian crochet hook drawer the whole time!" 

"Are you getting tired of your crinkle?" 

"Sometimes I forget that the 70's happened all over the world." 

"Someone has crunchy crumbs in their beard!" 

"It's a dark, mysterious chasm of filth." 

"Did you drizzle the squash flesh?" 

"I don't have any pleasant meatball memories." 

Out of Context 2!

If you missed the first of these posts, then you should know that whatever this is, it won't make sense. These are all real quotes that I overheard, either in conversations with people, or out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without. So here they are.

"I was just trying her head on." 

"I've really been craving the texture of glutinous rice flour." 

"It's like a miniature Doberman Pincer with, like, a chihuahua head?" 

"Do you want a pile of hair?" 

"It smells a little like moldy orange, and the taste is reminiscent of cat pee. But I like it!" 

"She poiked a turtle!!!" 

"Every time an ice cube explodes, a penguin dies." 

"They look so harmless until you look at their bottoms." 

"Here come the billows of filth!" 

"They’re like onion cocaine." 

"It's starting to develop a weird odor about the sticker." 

"I will balm my wounds with old cheese." 

"Basically it's sheep grease." 

"I was curious as to what she was going to do with the zombie that was missing a chunk of its face, but apparently she needs to get it a magnetized unicorn horn." 

"There’s a whole garden of goths!" 

"This seems rather sacrilegious: I exorcised my toe today!" 

"Nom that, Babycakes!" 

"Boil the bedsheets!" 

"They look like intestine muffins."

"Behold my vat of lard."

Out of Context!

If you know me, then you know I like random humor.  And you probably know that this humor is not for everyone. In fact, there's probably a good chance you won't even understand half of what I find funny. You might even think it's stupid. Or just dumb. And you'll give me a weird look, and slowly walk away, wondering if I was sniffing that jug of mysterious blue liquid again.

So with that in mind, just know that there's a very good chance that you won't find anything in this post humorous, because the whole point of it is that there is no actual context for any of these lines. I just found them funny and decided to make something out of them.

These are all real lines that were said by real people, sometime in my real life, pertaining to real things, that in the moment that they were used, were relevant and understandable. And I stripped them of any of that context, and have saved them for this post, because I think they're even funnier when presented without context.

I have not written any of these lines for this post myself, I just heard them, and collected them, either from friends, family members, people at school, or work, or just overheard randomly out in the world. One of them may have been something I said myself, and afterward I realized how weird it sounded, but other than that, these are all strictly overheard statements.

I hope you find them as funny as I do, but I kind of doubt it. I'm strange. :p

"Your lace is getting dangerously near the curds."

"Are you playing with my clots?" 

"Do you want to sniff the sparkle ducky?" 

"It's a sparkle encrusted mound of delicious." 

"That would be like getting run over by a very blubbery car." 

"I was thinking how fun it would be to watch the plush Teletubbies plunging to their doom." 

"The key is probably on a marmot, down in the basement with the other stuffed animals." 

"We needed snake adhesive." 

"I don't tend to make many noises in the bathroom, this could be a novelty!" 

"I can't believe I just spent like three minutes putting a hat on this goat." 

"I swallowed a dragonfly once. It was a really weird experience." 

"It's a teddy bear intestine." 

"It's literally a duck race." 

"Is there a word for like, a moist squeak?" 

"We accidentally won a Christmas tree." 

"The only man's deodorant I ever wore gave me a rash." 

"I need to do a body count. I don’t know how many boys I have now."

"Mmmmm... Ibuprofen and banana pizza!" 

"I think I could get a little DNA if I really practiced." 

"The squirrels that work in the internet will take that package where it needs to go."

If you liked this post, I may just do another one, because there are plenty more where this came from. And if you didn't like this post... Well, I guess that's too bad, because there are plenty more where this came from. :p