Sunday, June 9, 2013

A Twist Ending: 4!

I've had a "Terrible Fate" for a bad customer rolling around in the back of my mind for awhile, and this week, when a whiny old bat threw a tantrum about not getting a senior discount, I decided she would be the perfect candidate to suffer this fate.

I've decided to pretty much do away with the "Death" aspect of the series. My Last Customer didn't deserve death, and this one really didn't either. She was just acting like a really big baby. Mainly, I just wanted to laugh in her face because she was acting so pathetic. I may decide in the future that some customers are terrible enough to deserve death, but for others, like today's, I decided to leave the ending a little ambiguous. You don't really know what this woman's ultimate fate is, but rest assured, it was terrible. *Maniacal Laugh* >:D

I have decided that I would scrap the "Under 200 words" rule I imposed upon myself after the first story I wrote for a writing contest, and just try to keep it between 2 and 3 hundred words instead. That way it's still a short story, but I've given myself some leverage if need be.


"Isn't there a senior discount?" The elderly woman asked sorely, as I gave her the total. It was under twenty dollars.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," I explained, "The senior discount is on Wednesdays." I didn’t think it would be that big of an issue, the discount would have amounted to less than a dollar.

"Well, not everyone can get here on Wednesdays!" She exclaimed angrily.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I'm not allowed to give discounts unless it's Wednesday,"

"Yeah, well, this place is sick!" She exclaimed, shoving the money towards me. "And getting sicker!"

I really didn't know what to say to that, so I finished her transaction, and wished her a nice day. She just looked at me and scornfully laughed in my face. I decided to just ignore that and I turned to the next customer, a little girl.

"Hello," I greeted her, as I began to ring up her items. "Did you find everything okay?

"No she didn't!" The elderly woman exclaimed loudly, and left, laughing derisively as the little girl just looked at me, confused.

As the old woman marched out of the store, the sky grew dark, and faint, raspy, “Caw!” sounds began filling the air. A massive flock of crows had filled the sky, temporarily blocking out the sun. The swarm got into formation and swooped down toward the old woman in a massive black cloud. The flock engulfed her, and as the crows disappeared over the horizon, the woman was gone.

Monday, June 3, 2013

U Spel bad 13

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Wow. (TACOS)


Your spelling is DISGUSTING.


Well I know who the WHINER in spelling class was...


Sadly this wasn't a pun about Pterosaurs, they actually thought DINOSAUR was spelled this way.


They're called contractions. Learn them. (WASN'T)


Your writing is a mental HEALTH hazard.


Wow. Culturally insensitive much? (HINDUS)


Wow. Culturally insensitive much? Again? (BOLLYWOOD)


Yeah, it's just a suffix, but they spelled it wrong AND used it as a stand alone word, so it totally counts. (ESQUE)


Is there hope for humanity? Probably not. (UPLOADING)


WOULD someone like to explain the proper way to spell this word?


No, I don't want to punzel all over again. Once was enough. (RAPUNZEL)


Your WRITING is genius! And so is my sarcasm.


Your stupidity repels me. (RAPPEL)


Seriously? I would have thought that spelling PEERS would have been easy. I expect too much of people.


The way you spelled PUPPY is just sad. And stupid. It's making my inner 5-year-old giggle like an demented clown.


I think your spelling is a PROBLEM.


MORNING. *Rolleyes*


Are you FOREIGN? It would explain your inability to spell words in English.


Wow. Just when you thought that people couldn't get any dumber... (FRECKLED)

Saturday, June 1, 2013


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Did you know that Native American Indians are not real? They're completely mythological, just like those duck-billed beavers from Australia! True fact!

Did you know that jellyfish were only created about a hundred years ago when some weirdo brought a whole bunch of really random, strange food to the beach for his picnic lunch? In addition to mayonnaise lasagna covered in bologna flavored nacho cheese, he also had a plate of spaghetti on top of which he dumped an entire jar of grape jelly instead of sauce. Just as he was about to eat, a wave crashed into the beach and washed all his gross food out to sea where the jellied spaghetti somehow came to life, creating the world's first jellyfish! What that other junk turned into remains a terrifying mystery to this day. True fact!

Did you know that conspiracy theorists are right about chemtrails? But they're not for population control, chemical warfare, weather manipulation, or psychological subduction, it's just for pest control. Airplanes are hosing down the sky with the bird-spray to deal with a serious scourge of starlings and sparrows. True fact!

Did you know that ducks are the eagles of the ocean? True fact!

Did you know that owls are the eagles of the night? True fact!

Did you know that hummingbirds are the eagles of the tulip patch? True fact!

Did you know that herons are the eagles of the swamp? True fact!

Did you know that penguins are the eagles of the arctic? True fact!

Did you know that flamingos are the eagles of the lawn ornaments? True fact!

Did you know that the number Nine used to be called Sklortch? It was changed about four hundred and seventy-six years ago when a German boy refused to get out of bed. His mother kept saying, "Hans! Hans! It's Sklortch-o-clock! It's time to get up!" Hans kept saying "Nein!" and eventually she started calling it Nein-o-clock as a joke. The joke spread around their little village and over time the spelling changed, and "Nine" took over "Sklortch" in the sequence of numbers. True fact!

Did you know that llamas lay eggs? They do! Scientists recently discovered that they are actually the worlds largest hoofed monotreme. True fact!

Did you know that grapefruits are oranges on steroids? True fact!

Did you know that people get to heaven through the internet? When a person dies, God sends an angel to earth to upload their soul and e-mail it to heaven for e-ternity. True fact!

Did you know that marmosets are actually just monkeys that got left in the washing machine too long and shrunk? True fact!

Did you know that green and brown camouflage patterns are based on the natural coloration of a giant extinct Cave Elk? Cave-women loved making pelts from it's thick fur and killed them all off about 5000 years ago. Once it was extinct they began dying other animal pelts in the same way, and the pattern has been passed down through the generations. True fact!

Did you know that chickens grow on bushes? In their infant stage they are called Chicken Berries, and they are really good in pies! True fact!

Did you know that Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats are made from dead scarecrows? True fact!

Did you know that tomorrow is the same day that yesterday was two days ago? True fact!

Did you know that no one actually sweats? What most people think is sweat is actually their skin crying because it hates heat and exercise. True fact!

Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 was not started by Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicking over a lantern? It was actually started by an evil walrus named Steven. An evil, flying, fire-breathing, walrus named Steven. True fact!