Did you know that Native American Indians are not real? They're completely mythological, just like those duck-billed beavers from Australia! True fact!
Did you know that jellyfish were only created about a hundred years ago when some weirdo brought a whole bunch of really random, strange food to the beach for his picnic lunch? In addition to mayonnaise lasagna covered in bologna flavored nacho cheese, he also had a plate of spaghetti on top of which he dumped an entire jar of grape jelly instead of sauce. Just as he was about to eat, a wave crashed into the beach and washed all his gross food out to sea where the jellied spaghetti somehow came to life, creating the world's first jellyfish! What that other junk turned into remains a terrifying mystery to this day. True fact!
Did you know that conspiracy theorists are right about chemtrails? But they're not for population control, chemical warfare, weather manipulation, or psychological subduction, it's just for pest control. Airplanes are hosing down the sky with the bird-spray to deal with a serious scourge of starlings and sparrows. True fact!
Did you know that ducks are the eagles of the ocean? True fact!
Did you know that owls are the eagles of the night? True fact!
Did you know that hummingbirds are the eagles of the tulip patch? True fact!
Did you know that herons are the eagles of the swamp? True fact!
Did you know that penguins are the eagles of the arctic? True fact!
Did you know that flamingos are the eagles of the lawn ornaments? True fact!
Did you know that the number Nine used to be called Sklortch? It was changed about four hundred and seventy-six years ago when a German boy refused to get out of bed. His mother kept saying, "Hans! Hans! It's Sklortch-o-clock! It's time to get up!" Hans kept saying "Nein!" and eventually she started calling it Nein-o-clock as a joke. The joke spread around their little village and over time the spelling changed, and "Nine" took over "Sklortch" in the sequence of numbers. True fact!
Did you know that llamas lay eggs? They do! Scientists recently discovered that they are actually the worlds largest hoofed monotreme. True fact!
Did you know that grapefruits are oranges on steroids? True fact!
Did you know that people get to heaven through the internet? When a person dies, God sends an angel to earth to upload their soul and e-mail it to heaven for e-ternity. True fact!
Did you know that marmosets are actually just monkeys that got left in the washing machine too long and shrunk? True fact!
Did you know that green and brown camouflage patterns are based on the natural coloration of a giant extinct Cave Elk? Cave-women loved making pelts from it's thick fur and killed them all off about 5000 years ago. Once it was extinct they began dying other animal pelts in the same way, and the pattern has been passed down through the generations. True fact!
Did you know that chickens grow on bushes? In their infant stage they are called Chicken Berries, and they are really good in pies! True fact!
Did you know that Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats are made from dead scarecrows? True fact!
Did you know that tomorrow is the same day that yesterday was two days ago? True fact!
Did you know that no one actually sweats? What most people think is sweat is actually their skin crying because it hates heat and exercise. True fact!
Did you know that, contrary to popular belief, the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 was not started by Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicking over a lantern? It was actually started by an evil walrus named Steven. An evil, flying, fire-breathing, walrus named Steven. True fact!