Monday, June 23, 2014

Lettice Rowbotham

Lettice Rowbotham, (Yes, that IS that correct spelling), was a violinist on the most recent season (Series, for those in the UK) of Britain's Got Talent, and she blew everyone else away. I love the violin, but even I have to admit that it can sometimes get tired, so I love it when someone like Lettice comes along and brings something completely new to the performance.

I love her personality, her sense of humor, and everything about her, but I have to admit, the first time I watched her, I 100% expected a hilarious trainwreck when she started playing. I loved the interview, and loved her, but when she readily admitted that she hadn't even practiced, and she was too hungover to be nervous, I braced myself for the worst. I was thrilled to have my fears assuaged, and her previous admissions made her performance all the more impressive.

Her second performance was even better.

I loved that she used "Trust In Me" as part of her performance, and despite Simon's dislike of the second half, I loved it. I've grown to love dubstep if it's done right, and Lettice did dupstep right, not too heavy, and as part of the background, not the focus.

Lettice made it all the way to the finale and managed to literally drop my jaw.

I was amazed when she opened her mouth. I don't know that I've disagreed with Simon more when he said it didn't work. Thankfully the entire audience disagreed as well. Inwardly I cheered for their booing.

Sadly, Lettice didn't win, which is one of the single greatest tragedies of our time, but I have no doubt that she'll go places. I now follow her on both Twitter and YouTube, so I'll know the second she announces any new projects. I can't wait to see what she does next!

Monday, June 9, 2014

A Twist Ending! 11!

Well, it figures that as soon as I get back into Harlan I'd have another customer inspire another twist ending story. This customer is actually a regular here in Harlan. In fact, the first two parts of the story actually happened quite awhile ago. The last part just happened this week. She has actually done this kind of thing a lot more than three times. I just pieced together three stories from various encounters with her, to make a more concise story.

As with most other twist ending stories, everything is true except for the last paragraph, but in this case, it's all true except for the last paragraph of each section.


"Woah, wait a second," the woman said as I scanned her groceries. "That toilet paper is supposed to to be $3.29, and it rang up $4.99. You know what that means," she said, barely able to hold in her glee. "If the item rings up wrong, it is automatically free," she pointed to the sign hanging above the store.

I called my manager, who first went to make sure the price was wrong. "I'm sorry," she said walking back from the display holding a smaller sized package. "This is the size that's on sale. The other one is larger. Would you like to buy this one instead?"

"No," the woman said, frowning. "I don't want either of them. The sign back there was misleading. I should get it for free." She begrudgingly paid for her groceries and left, silently mumbling to herself.

As she fumed out of the store, a small green creature peered out from behind the ATM with a scroll of parchment and a quill of ink. It checked a box and slunk back out of sight.


"Excuse me, those batteries are marked as $2.99 on the sign over there," the woman said as I slid the packages of batteries I had just scanned down the counter to be bagged. I looked at the moniter; the prices on each read $2.79.

"Well," I said with a smile, "Looks like you just got a good deal."

"Um, no, They rang up wrong," the woman said with a scowl, "I get them for free."

I looked at her to see if she was kidding. Surely no one was that ridiculously petty. She wasn't kidding. I called my manager who double-checked the price, got an earful from the woman, and gave her the batteries for free.

As the woman marched victoriously from the store, the little green creature watched her silently from under a bakery display table, and marked another box on his paper.


"Hold on," the woman said as I scanned several packages of bologna. "These are ringing up $1.69. The sign says that they are 3 for $5. I've done the math, they should each be ringing up $1.67. Ask your manager to go check, these are wrong."

Once again my manager dutifully went back to check the price. While she was gone the woman started talking to those around her who were being inconvinienced.

"Sorry about this, I'm such a pain," she said in a voice that clearly indicated that she wasn't sorry at all. "I've just got to be careful you know. Gotta always watch these prices! You never know when they're gonna get you!"

My manager returned and said that, yes, the bologna should indeed be two cents cheaper. "Well, I guess that means they're free!" The woman said triumphantly, as though she had just won some kind of reality game show. My manager took the cost of the bologna off her order, and left her to pay.

From his hiding spot around the corner of the pharmacy, the little green creature ticked one last box off his list, and as the woman left the store with her load of bologna, it crept after her, sneaking into her car through a rear window while she loaded her trunk.

As the woman drove home in the dark, she had the creepiest feeling she was being watched from the back seat. She looked into the rear-view-mirror, and saw the glowing yellow eyes of a Greed Goblin staring back at her. She screamed and began swerving violently as the goblin leapt into the front seat. After a minute the swerving vehicle corrected itself, and kept on driving down the dark highway as normal. The woman was never seen again.

Friday, June 6, 2014

True Facts! 15!

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Did you know that when people braid their hair it begins to function like a tail? When they are happy it will wag vigorously, and when they are sad it will hang limp. When they are confused, it will twitch oddly, and when they are annoyed, the tip of the braid will quietly flick from side to side. When they sense danger, it will point straight up it the air, and if they have to flee for their life, it will stick straight out behind them, to help maintain their balance as they run. True fact!

Did you know that marshmallows are bald Peeps? True fact!

Did you know that cows are just ugly horses? True fact!

Did you know that new galaxies are only formed on the Fourth of July? They are caused by irresponsible handling of fireworks. If a firework is sent too high into the sky, it eventually leaves the atmosphere altogether and explodes in space, forming a brand new galaxy. True fact!

Did you know that Gatorade is made of melted Popsicles? True fact!

Did you know that dubstep music happened completely by accident? A dancing robot had an athsma attack on stage, and the audience thought it was singing and demanded an album. True fact!

Did you know that Elmo and Grover are actually the same Muppet? Whenever Elmo gets cold he turns blue, his nose swells up, becoming enormous and pink, and his voice gets all gravelly. True fact!

Did you know that Donuts are obese Cheerios? True fact!

Did you know that corn husks are a corn cob's clothing? The next time you think about husking an ear of corn, just think about how embarrassing that is for them. True fact!

Did you know that Medusa did not really have snakes for hair? She didn't turn people to stone either. She just had a really ugly hat and if anyone made fun it, she dunked them in cement. True fact!

Did you know that toes were originally named foot fingers? True fact!

Did you know that Grass Skirts were invented as an alternative to the rather uncomfortable Poison Ivy Pants? True fact!

Did you know that Orange Juice was once called Blue Juice? They decided to change the name because it made no sense. True fact!

Did you know that dragons were actually just dinosaurs with heartburn and really bad breath? True fact!

Did you know that clowns are invertebrates? How else do you think they cram that many into one tiny car? True fact!

Did you know that kangaroo rats are not really midget kangaroos? They're actually just mice on pogo sticks. True fact!

Did you know that zippers are made by evil practitioners of black magic? No one else has any idea how those things work. True fact!

Did you know that pineapples are the most vicious, volatile, and violent vegetable? True fact!

Did you know that the Howling Horror-Beast of Halifax is humorously harmless? True fact!

Did you know that exorcisms are an easy Do-It-Yourself project? Since ghosts are comprised mainly of water vapor and an old bedsheet with two holes cut in it, all you have to do is pull the bedsheet off, and the rest of the ghost will float away into the sky. There it becomes a cloud and begins to precipitate, causing Dianthus flowers to grow. This process is known as Rein-Carnation. True fact!