The Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time there lived a family of pigs, Gordon and Guenevere, and their triplets, Millie, Susan, and Dave. They all lived in a large, energy efficient, straw bale home, in a small town in the Fairyland forest. When the triplets turned 18, Gordon and Guenevere enrolled them in a secret military training school high in the mountains, so they could learn the art of self defense. The only problem was, they didn't want to go.
Millie was especially upset. The school was high in the mountains and there would be no cell service there. She didn't know how she was going to function without her cell phone. Susan and Dave just hated the idea of more school. They wanted to party now that they had finally finished high school. They didn't want to trade one school for another. Their parents, knowing how important this would be to their futures, decided that the time had come to tell them the truth about their past.
"Kids," he began, "Our lives have not always been as peaceful as they have been since we had you. Years ago, we lived far away from here in a terrible land called Topeka, in the middle of a dreadful country called Kansas. The people of Kansas were barbaric. They ate pigs! When we were born we were lucky for awhile. We were owned by a kind farmer who treated us as pets, but one day he died. His children were not so nice. They said they were sick of 'Those nasty, smelly, gross pigs,' and decided to have us sent off to the cocktail weenie factory. Soon after, some men in a truck shaped like a giant cocktail weenie came to collect us for slaughter. Fearing for our lives, we trampled the weenie men and fled into the woods. We joined a herd of wild hogs and wandered the woods doing battle with ferocious packs of wolves who wanted nothing more than to feast upon our delicious bodies. We lived this way for many years before we came to this magical land where we learned to talk and be just as human as people. "
Yeah, that's really terrible," Millie said, "But it still doesn't explain why we should have to go away to some secret place in the mountains to learn self defense. There aren't any wolves around here!"
"Maybe not now," Guenevere replied, "But there's always been rumors. They say a girl named Red killed one a few years ago, and there have been many other stories of other wolves disguising themselves in piles of cotton balls to infiltrate flocks of sheep. Most sheep are really stupid you know. They can't tell the difference until it is too late."
"But we're not stupid." Susan protested. "Why should we have to go to military school? High school was bad enough! I thought school was done when we got out of there!"
"You may not be stupid, but the wolves are getting smarter." Gordon replied. "Two nights ago The Little Red Hen's neighbors, Farnsworth and Fanny-May Hoggington, as well as all of their children, disappeared after their house blew up. Little Red swears she saw a wolf outside. The police say there have been similar reports all over the forest recently. Houses being blown up with no trace of the family left. If it happened to these people, it could happen to us. Your mother and I can defend ourselves, but if something were to happen to us, you need to know what to do. We don't know if these arsonists really are wolves, but even if they aren't, you still need to know what to do. It could be wolves, or tigers, or maybe even evil weenie men from Kansas, but there may come a day very soon when you will have to defend yourselves, and we want you to know what to do."
Gordon's words proved to be prophetic. A few months later, the three little pigs returned from Military school to find a blackened crater where their home had once stood. Their parents were gone. The three little pigs were devastated. Not only had they lost their parents, they were now homeless as well. What could they do?
Suddenly, Millie had a brilliant idea. She got out her video camera and started filming. She started by telling their parent's story and everything they had told them about the wolves. She made sure to include what happened to the Hoggington family, and explained what happened to their parents. Finally, she tearfully ended the video with a plea for help and she sent it off to Ty Megaphone and the reality show Extreme Construction: Home Edition. When Ty heard their tragic story he assembled a team of builders immediately. Explosions, vanished families, and murderous wolf packs were ratings gold!
The team worked fast, and a week later they had completed a brand new home. Using Brazilian Walnut, one of the hardest woods on earth, Ty's team had constructed one of the sturdiest homes they had ever built. Not only that, but they fortified it with more self defense features than the three little pigs knew what to do with. They built the home quite a ways outside of town in a clearing surrounded by trees. They installed a motion activated alarm system around the perimeter, and set up hidden surveillance cameras in all the trees surrounding the home. Under the home they built a steel reinforced combination panic room and bomb shelter. They built gun ports into the walls, and placed remote activated RPG launchers under the lawn around the house. Their home was virtually impenetrable.
As soon as they moved in, the three little pigs established a routine. During the day they went to the shooting range for target practice, and every night they practiced their panic drills and took turns watching the surveillance monitors.
One night they decided to break routine and settled down to watch their episode of Extreme Construction. As they watched, Dave had a chilling thought. "What if whoever killed our parents sees this episode and comes after us?"
"Don't worry about it," Millie replied. "We'll be ready for them."
"No, you don't understand!" Dave said. "They'll know know all of our home's defenses! Everything they built for us was on the show! Even the hidden RPG launchers!"
"This could be a problem," Susan replied. "We need to come up with a plan."
"It's worse than you think," Dave said. "I taped this episode last week! Whoever might be after us could have already seen this! They'd have had a week to prepare!" Suddenly, without warning, the house went dark.
The three little pigs rushed down to the panic room. They had a back up generator that powered the panic room and security systems. As they ran down the stairs, they watched in horror as one by one the pictures on all the surveillance monitors began to turn to static. When there was only one screen left, a camera that was aimed at their house, they heard a chilling voice growl over the loud speaker.
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chinney, chin, chin? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house... Up."
And with an earth-shattering explosion the home above them disintegrated in a massive fireball. As they watch the monitor in horror, Dave panicked and accidentally set off all the RPG's at once. The only problem was, without targets, they just flew into the air and exploded above their heads.
"You idiot!" Susan yelled. "Now what do we do? That was all we had to defend ourselves!"
"No, that wasn't everything," Millie said calmly. "She opened up a door on the wall revealing three Russian AK-47's.
"What?!" Susan exclaimed. "Where did those come from?!"
"The internet." Millie said. "If we're going down, we're going down with guns blazing!"
They looked back at the monitor and could see five wolves with blowtorches cutting through the top of the panic room.
"We'll have to go out the back way." Millie said. "Hopefully the wolves are all concentrating on the roof. The rear exit is far enough away from the main room that maybe we can escape. Follow me."
She led her siblings down the long hallway and up the stairs. Dave hit the button to open the sliding door and began screaming like a little girl as three huge wolves raced toward them snarling and leaped through the air. Millie opened fire on the beasts and they all hit the ground at her feet, dead. The three little pigs took off running into the woods. From somewhere behind them they heard someone shout "They've escaped! They've got machine guns! Wendy, Tompkins, and Thelma-Louise are dead! Everyone! On your guard!"
They ran toward town spraying bullets around them. Millie shot two more out of the trees, while Susan took out one that was chasing them. As they entered a clearing they suddenly heard a shot ring out and something whistled over their heads. Another shot and Dave was down, tangled in a large net. Two more shots and they were all prisoners. The force of the nets colliding with their bodies had knocked the guns from their hooves. They were defenseless. As they squirmed and wriggled, trying to free themselves, the wolf pack slowly closed in on them.
The leader laughed a low menacing laugh as he approached their tangled forms. "You thought you could get away from us? No one escapes The Pack! No one! Tonight you will all become bacon!"
Suddenly from out of the forest they heard a terrifying primal scream, and a thundering herd of hoof-beats racing toward them. Then, stampeding out of the woods came a huge herd of wild hogs, led by their parents!
The wild hogs leaped through the air at the pack and the wolves scattered like ants. The hogs chased them and thrashed the living daylights out of them. The wolves tried to fight back but they were no match for the brute force of the savage hogs. Most of the wolves were dead within minutes and the fight was over almost before it began.
The three little pig's parents headed straight for them and began cutting through the ropes.
"But how?!" Susan asked in shock as she was freed from the net.
"We thought you were dead!" Dave Exclaimed.
"When we got back from military school our house was gone and so were you!" Millie said "Where were you?"
"We would have been dead." Gordon said. "But we had been visiting Baba Blacksheep on the other side of Fairyland that week. We got home the night the wolves came. We saw movement in the woods, so we kept out of sight and called the police. Before we knew what was happening, they had blown up our house and were screaming in fury that no one was there. Just then the police showed up and the wolves scattered into the forest. We knew it would only be a matter of time until they returned, so we decided to leave Fairyland and go back to Kansas to find our old herd. The wolves had to be stopped. We had no way to contact you, but we knew you would be safe at military school till we returned. It ended up taking us longer than we expected to track down our herd, or we would have been back before you got out of school."
"Well it's a good thing you got back when you did!" Millie said. "We were almost ham steaks!"
By this time the wild hogs had returned. "The wolves have been taken care of, my friends." Said the leader, Hogsworth. "If any were able to escape, I am quite certain they will never show their faces in these parts again."
"Thank you, thank you all for your help." Guenevere said. "Our family is forever grateful."
The three little pigs and their parents spent the night in a hotel, and the next day they made another tape. They sent it to Ty Megaphone who was more than happy to get his crew together and build them another house. The first episode had been a ratings smash, and they were excited to duplicate the success of that episode. They built the new home to be an almost exact replica of the first one, but this time using concrete bricks and a steel frame for the entire structure. It would be nearly impenetrable.
The three little pigs went on to set up their own self defense school, not just for the residents of their town, but for all the residents of Fairyland as well. After word about the wolves got out, everyone for miles around wanted to learn all their secrets. The wild hogs set up their own little community in the woods, and along with the three little pig's parents, they all became teachers at Three Pigs Academy of Defense. To this day, not one wolf has dared to show its face in their little town again.