Out of Context! - The Breakfast of Weird Champions.

I have totally neglected my blog this year. Between getting a new job, and working on my podcasts and other projects, I just have kind of forgotten to post much of anything. But for some reason today I felt like making a post, and I still had a backlog of Out of Context Quotes, so I decided to just do it.

So of course, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, as usual, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

"It's like a hairy stick."

"It looks like a sloth riding a camel."

"It pays to be discriminating with pickles."

"I like quietness. And soft surfaces."

"I keep trying to do these romantic, rat's nest hair-dos."

"He drank some mud water over there."

"I remember a lot of sleeve sniffing."

"He used to love his leopard print jingle Mousie."

"That's a war cry? What? That's pathetic!"

"It could be a llama girdle."

"My alpaca has a magical shark belt."

"The breakfast of weird champions."

"You have beautiful toes."

"Mmmmmmm, flesh. Your favorite."

"I don't normally lick my fins."

"Why do I suddenly want a picture of myself as a duck?"

"Most kids are sad little pickle haters."

"I'm a bubble snob."

"She's the one with the chickpea shampoo." 

"I think I'm just smelling my skin." 

 

If you like reading these Out of Context posts as much as I like making them, you can find the entire collection HERE.

Out of Context! - An Affectionate Clothespin

It has been way too long since I posted one of these. I have really neglected my blog this year. I wish I hadn't but things have come up. Despite everything, 2020 was a really busy year, and my blog definitely fell by the wayside. I made a few posts, but my regular series, like my Out of Context Quotes, just didn't happen very much.

But now I'm back! And I have posts coming! I won't say how many, or when, but more are coming! Starting with one of my favorite series! Which is probably only funny to me, but who cares. This is my blog.

Anyway, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, yadda, yadda, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

 

"I got these pickles with the face of an old lady."

"I saw someone make a rice pudding that haunted me."

"She is definitely hairy and nubbly."

"I wouldn't mind a few pineapple clumps."

"I'm like a mother who wanted a librarian and got a rocket." 

"It's a lettuce tornado!"

"It's a Baptist vampire."

"I was channeling a punk rock princess."

"You could give her an affectionate clothespin."

"Mmmm... I like gnawing on q-tips." 

"She started collecting a whole bunch of hair from all over the place."

"We're gonna need both our guns for when the burlap comes."

"If you're going to be my pastor, then you should know I make these noises." 

"That's like eating a turkey sandwich and hoping for the best." 

"I figured he'd like little old ladies breaking the law."

"You've always been a shoe baby."

"He was on that commercial with the roadkill that I loved."

"Did you hear about the night Timmy drank the pancake batter?"

"It's so cute how you still make baby otter noises."

"Is a strange man touching your toes?"

If you like these Out of Context posts as much as I do, you can find the entire collection HERE. 

Out of Context! - Full of Cake & Fatigue

You know the drill: These are all real quotes, from real conversations that I had, heard, or overheard. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

"It's a sourdough panini full of mint and pop rocks."

 

"I like that she’s a 40-year-old woman."

"Don't sneeze on me, you filth!"

"We had a screaming match over whipped cream."

"I'm breathing on you with my human breath!"

"I'm gettin' $9 worth of mealworms."

"Right now he's got the cocaine rat and is going berserk."

"It was in the chicken hole."

"People kept choking on the babies." 

"There's a lunatic in a van chasing me."

"There’s kind of an obnoxious smell coming from the sink hole."

"It’s like drinking jet fuel!"

"You were blessed by the kitten fairies."

"I have a purple cardigan with a bad reputation."

"Maybe it's Monday in my heart."

"Inside every snowflake is a tiny naked person."

"Tear out its jingley entrails!"

"Can I try a baby out?"

"I'm not the meat-mobile."

"I'm so full of cake. And fatigue."

Out of Context! - A Baby of Substance

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard. These all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

Also, I decided to change up the way I title these posts. Since they obviously do not happen every month, instead of putting the month in the title, I'm going to use one of my favorite phrases from the post to differentiate between entries.

"Oh man! That's a good puff!"

"I had a caramel once, made by cloistered nuns. It was very soft."

"Murder the rainbow donkey!"

"Father Time will snack on the bluebirds."

"I wonder what would happen if you put a kidney stone in a rock tumbler."

"It smells so good! Like Scotch tape!"

"I need to make you some felt sardines."

"I wanted to experience every textile with my mouth."

"I know of your lust for bagels."

"Do you have meat breath?"

"Do you have linty loins?"

"I'm going to dress you up in little clothes, and make you really mad."

"Now he gets a weird lump beverage."

"I was a baby of substance."

"It sounds like it's raining Beanie Baby guts."

"Look at my haunted pickle slice!"

"She's currently attacking the tablecloth."

"I made a cloudy bat thing!"

"Someday I may rub chickpea flour into my hair, but I don't know if I want to commit to that right now."

"That baby doesn't like this dinosaur!"

Out of Context! (November 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“Would a Raisin Rock be served with a Prune Boulder?”

“Did that English woman, sort of wander off?”

“Apparently he’s never been here on pudding night.”

“You beast-lump!”

"The recipe is in my mother's lavender cookbook, because of course I have a mother who owns a lavender cookbook."

“This counter is a rind graveyard.”

“I feel like I need to walk like a football player-sized penguin.”

“Embrace the goat, man. Lick the goat.”

“I saw a very hairy woman making cheese.”

“I’ll take the turkey with no soul, please.”

"You may touch her back hair."

"There is a Siamese named Jimmy in Minnesota."

"You just poisoned the fluffers."

"I would love a daily finger puppet."

"It's like, I don't want to care about the linoleum!"

"I remember hearing a muffled conversation about oranges while I was floating in the amniotic fluid."

"Those are my experimental cherries."

"I'm sorry I violated your nostril privacy."

"We'll name you Puce. Puce Dribble McFuzz."

"I didn't come down here to massage your scalp."

Art and Sports

I have never liked Sports. I have never really known why, they simply do not interest me. I am much more into things that engage me emotionally and intellectually. Things that amaze me, or just make me laugh.

Recently the YouTuber Devin Graham posted a video that got me to thinking about sports in a different way.



At the end he linked to two more of his videos that I had seen before, but I had not given them as much thought as I had seeing them all at once.





Watching them all together made me really examine why I didn't like sports, because these video are sports videos, but I thoroughly enjoyed all of them.

I've come to the conclusion that I do not like organized sports because of the forced rivalries, and the manufactured hatred that the teams impose upon their players and fans. (No, not every sports fan or player is hateful, but there are a LOT that are.)

Devin Graham's videos showcase people who enjoy sports outside of the rivalries and multi-million dollar paychecks. The people in his videos are doing things that they love to do and it shows. It reminded me of a quote that I loved from the movie Speed Racer. Speed's mother is telling him why she goes to the races, even though it scares her to watch him risk his life.

"Speed, when I watch you do some of the things you do....I feel like I'm watching someone paint or make music. I go to the races to watch you make art. And it's beautiful... and inspiring... and everything that art should be."

I have come to the conclusion that I do not hate sports, I just don't like competitive sports. I like watching people play sports when they are doing it for the joy of it.

To paraphrase Mom Racer, Watching people doing what they love to do is beautiful and inspiring and it's everything that sports should be.

A Looney ‘Toon

“Daffy, you’re a mean-spirited, self absorbed, disturbed, little weirdo, but for whatever reason, you’re my best friend.”

-Bugs Bunny-

I love cartoons. As a kid, The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show was my most anticipated hour of the week, and as an adult I still love these characters. If, heaven forbid, I was forced to pick just one favorite animated series, it would always be Looney Tunes.

Last night, the Looney-ness was re-born in the form of a sitcom, and I loved it.

The Looney Tunes Show follows Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck as they live together in the suburbs. Though Daffy claims that he is just crashing at Bugs’ place until he gets back on his feet, Speedy Gonzales points out that if you crash somewhere for five years, you live there.

At first I was a bit skeptical. Would this new take on my favorite characters do them justice, or would it desecrate the Looney Tunes name? I am thankful to report that it is every bit as funny as most of the old cartoons were. The humor comes more from the characters than it does from the situation, and that is as it should be. What makes these characters so hilarious is their individual personalities. Daffy Duck would be just as funny in a grocery store as he would be in the Himalayas.

The basic sitcom premise is not the only thing this new show has to offer though. Each episode features at least one Merrie Melodies short, or a Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon. So far I am less impressed by the Merrie Melodies than the Roadrunner cartoons, but it’s nice that they are keeping this series of cartoons alive. They have potential and I hope they will improve in the future.

The new Roadrunner cartoons are just as funny as their theatrical counterparts were, sometimes even more so. This part of the show is done in CGI, and though purists may balk at this change, I love it. Having these characters and environments in CGI allows the animators a lot more freedom in the style of sight gags they can do. Some of the new cartoons were released online earlier this year, and so far my favorite has to be “Silent But Deadly".” Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. There are no flatulence jokes to be found anywhere here. The title is in reference to Wile E.’s latest scheme, which is to become a ninja. I found a copy of the short on YouTube, so I will link it here for your viewing pleasure. :)

Bugs and Daffy were always a hilarious pair in the old cartoons, so making them the stars of this new take on the Looney Tunes is a natural fit. In the first episode, Daffy convinces Bugs that they need to go on a game show called “Besties” where the aim of the game is to answer questions about your best friend for points. The team with the most points wins a cruise. Daffy Duck, being the self absorbed narcissist that he is, fails miserably, not even knowing Bugs’ catch phrase. Daffy wallows in self pity after they lose because Bugs, annoyed by how little Daffy knew about him, began ignoring him. The next morning, Speedy Gonzales tells Daffy he needs to work harder at being a friend to Bugs, so Daffy books them tickets to the cruise they lost. Hijinks ensue.

As I said before, the humor comes from the characters, but there are also jokes happening in the background, just like in the old cartoons. For example, when they board the cruise ship, it is docked at the “Port of Potti.” A bit childish, I know, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me snort with laughter.

Another thing I love, is that even though the show is mainly focused on Bugs and Daffy, all the other characters will get their moments in the spotlight. Speedy Gonzales plays a short but important role in the first episode, though I’m not sure why he was there. Does he live with them as well? It really doesn’t matter, and if he does, I’m sure that will be addressed in future episodes.

Even the more obscure and less well known characters are featured. Bugs’ and Daffy’s opponents on “Besties” were Mac and Tosh, otherwise known as the Goofy Gophers. If you don’t know who they are, don’t worry, they didn’t star in nearly as many classic shorts, but they are still very funny.

I could go on telling you everything that makes the show funny, but thanks to the magic of YouTube, I don’t have to. I found a bunch of clips from last night’s episode, so you can see for yourselves.

The first clip is the beginning of the episode. Anyone worried that the characters would not be true to their classic personalities should have their fears allayed by this clip.

The next scene is Bugs drilling Daffy before they go on the show.

This clip is a very abridged version of the game show scene. Many of the jokes have been cut out, but it will still give you a good idea of what it was like.

The last clip I found was when Speedy tries to talk some sense into Daffy, but instead of getting the point, Daffy pretty much goes insane. Not that he was ever very stable to begin with… :p

If you are a Looney Tunes fan, and you have Cartoon Network, or the knowhow to get episodes from “other sources,” I highly recommend watching this show. I’ve already watched the first episode twice, and I may go back and watch it again. :)

Wisdom From The Pioneer Woman

A quote from Ree Drummond "The Pioneer Woman"

"I’m a laid back parent and homeschooler, so I don’t spend much time sweating things. Well, except text messaging; when we got our older daughter a cell phone, I told her I’d turn off the phone if she used text language (UR, tho, etc.) in her messages, not just with me, but also with her friends."

If only more parents were like her, perhaps the English language wouldn't be collapsing, one poorly written facebook status at a time! Go Literacy! :D

A Baby Duck

By now you all should know, I like random humor. One of the best shows for random, weird humor is Wizards of Waverly Place. It has me in stitches with every episode. It is just so random. A lot of this comes from the youngest of the three kids, Max. He can be just strange sometimes. In the most recent episode, he had a line that cracked me up so much, I just had to share it.

“Zeke! Thank you so much for this duck! I can’t wait to raise it and sell its milk!”

I cracked up so much over that line, that mom, who was in the kitchen, wondered what in the world I was watching.

Since just making a blog post about a funny quote is kind of boring, I decided to make a clip from the show with the scene that the quote came from.

For those of you who may have never heard of the show, it is about three teenage wizard siblings, Justin, Alex, and Max. No one knows they are wizards except Alex’s best friend Harper. Zeke is Justin’s best friend, and Harper’s boyfriend. That’s all you need to know to watch this clip.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a new line to add to my “Favorite Quotes” page on facebook.

Julian Smith

It’s been a long time since I did a “Random” post. This one isn’t as random as I have been in the past, as all these videos are by the same guy, but they are all random in the fact that they are all VERY different from each other.

I recently found a filmmaker on YouTube named Julian Smith. He is really funny, and a great actor. You’ll see from all these videos how easily he slips into various personas.

This first video apparently made some people accuse him of, among other things, making fun of Christians. He wrote in his blog after he released it that that wasn’t his intent at all. I got the joke the first time I watched it, but apparently others did not. I’ll link his blog if you would like to read it after you watch it.

http://www.juliansmith.tv/2010/10/thoughts-on-pre-blessed-food/

Double Pre-Blessed!

Usually however, his videos are just silly. He plays all sorts of different people. His Jeffery character is really funny.

You want TWO of them?!?

Jellyfish: They don’t have jelly inside, they just have lightning.

If you’ll notice, there are words appearing during the video, sometimes faster than one can read without pausing. I think they are supposed to be Jeffery's thoughts, but they are really funny. This line cracked me up so well, that I put it in my favorite quotes on Facebook.

Jellyfish: They don’t have jelly inside, they just have lightning.

“Red Eye Flashes Twice” was the video that got me started watching his stuff, thanks to my cousin posting it to Facebook.

What are you stupid, Bill?

As I watched more of his videos, I realized that I had seen quite a few already, thanks to them being posted elsewhere, I just had never paid attention to the artist before

This was the main video I had remembered seeing before. And with good reason. This was his first video that went viral, and the one that made him famous.

Am I number one? Am I number one? Am I number one?

I also remember seeing this one a long time ago. It’s so terrible, yet so funny.

I don’t wike dis bedtime stowey!

This one I am including just because it makes me laugh.

Don’t drink that, don’t drink that racist coffee.

If you’re wondering what the deal is with the “I MADE THIS FOR YOU!” scream, or the “I made this for you.” whisper at the end of most of his videos, it comes from this film.

I made this for you.

This next one is funny, but what is funnier to me, is that his mom made her own version of it after he released it, and hers is even funnier than his!

As a side note, the end of his wins the award for most random ending ever.

Don’t EVER interrupt me while I’m readin’ a book!

This is the one his mom made. Just about all the food in the video are references to other videos he made.

I’m tryin’ to cook, pig. I’m tryin’ to cook.

P.S. Something else really cool about this guy? He was homeschooled. Along with his five siblings, who all act or make videos, and most of them are still kids.

A synopsis of his life can be found here.
http://www.juliansmith.tv/me/

P.P.S. Has anyone ever heard of the web show “The Annoying Orange?” Julian Smith guest starred on an episode playing a walnut. (For those with extra weak constitutions, The Annoying Orange features graphic fruit violence. You have been warned. :p)

You’re an avocado? Is that why Lizardberry ate you?

P.P.P.S. I was just about finished with this post, and I decided to go check Facebook I “Like” Julian Smith on Facebook, and he had JUST posted a new video! It’s hilarious!

You think you could give me a jump?

Happy Little Quotes

I used to watch “The Joy of Painting” with Bob Ross every Saturday with my grandma. I loved watching him paint his “Happy Little Trees.” I’m pretty sure he is one of the main reasons I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. I haven’t painted much, but when I have, I noticed that I used some of the techniques he used on the show. He’ll always be one of my favorite artists.

I “Like” Bob Ross on facebook, and today whoever maintains his fan page posted a quote from him. which I reposted on my wall, then added to my favorite quote section in my profile.

"I want a nice tree lives right there. There it comes, yes. And he’s got a little friend named Harriet. Right there. Just make up little names. I know people look at you like you’re a little weird. That’s okay. ‘Cause as artists we can do anything. People expect us to be a little different. They expect it. Don’t let them down."

After this I looked up more quotes by him, and I found quite a lot, so I ‘m going to share a few more here. This first one really cracked me up.

“Oh, that would make a nice place to fish. I like fishing, but I’m not a very good fisherman. I always throw the fish back into the water, just put a band-aid on his mouth, tap ‘im on the patootie and let him on his way. And maybe some day, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to catch him again.”

“People look at me like I’m a little strange, when I go around talking to squirrels and rabbits and stuff. That’s ok. Thaaaat’s just ok.”

“People might look at you a bit funny, but it’s okay. Artists are allowed to be a bit different.”

LOVE this next one!

“That’s a crooked tree. We’ll send him to Washington.”

I don’t know if he said this often, or if I just happen to remember the specific episode he said it in, but this next quote I definitely remember him saying.

“We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy accidents.”

This one cracked me up too. Bob Ross was very funny!

“I can’t go over 30 minutes, because we have a mean ol’ director with no sense of humor.”

I think he said some variation of this one at the end of every episode.

“Well, the little clock on the wall says we’re just about out of time. Goodnight and God bless.”

I’ll close with these quotes which I too, firmly believe.

“Traditionally, art has been for the select few. We have been brainwashed to believe that Michelangelo had to pat you on the head at birth. Well, we show people that anybody can paint a picture that they're proud of. It may never hang in the Smithsonian, but it will certainly be something that they'll hang in their home and be proud of. And that's what it's all about.”

”I started painting as a hobby when I was little. I didn't know I had any talent. I believe talent is just a pursued interest. Anybody can do what I do.”

Quotes

I have had the same “Favorite Quotes” on my facebook page ever since I started using it. Actually, I’ve had the same quotes from the days even before facebook when I still maintained a Myspace page. So tonight I decided it was time to begin anew. I didn’t want to just get rid of them all though, I thought I would save them on my blog for posterity’s sake. Some are funny, others are just quotes that I found to be very true.

“A fool and his money are soon elected.”
-Will Rogers-

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: ‘I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept His claim to be God.’ That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic—on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg—or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”
-C.S. Lewis-

"Dear God, I'm sorry for my anger and frustration, but I wanted to thank you for this day. This horrible, awful, hot, sticky, terrible day, in which I have been totally, totally humiliated; because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had any day at all. So I thank you. Love, Monica. Amen"
-Monica on Touched by an Angel-

"I claim this planet in the name of Mars! Isn't that lovely?"
-Marvin the Martian in "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century"-

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
-P.J. O'Rourke-

"Happy Birthday, you thing from another world, you!"
-Porky Pig in "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century"-

"My dad said I had the IQ of plankton and I was pleased"
-Miss. Evangelista on Doctor Who-

"Nana Possible! You think your lemon squares are 'All That!' But they're not!!!"
-Dr. Drakken on "Kim Possible-

And now, what will I replace them with? Well, I will add to them over time, but for starters, I just bought the DVD Megamind today, and it is PACKED full of hilarious one liners. I’ve picked out two that just crack me up every time I hear them.

“Oh! I’m shaking in my custom baby seal leather boots!”

-Megamind-

“UGH! Girls! Girls! You’re both pretty! Can I go home now?”

-Roxanne Richie in “Megamind”-

I just want to use one, so I’m going with the baby seal leather quote. It’ll go up tonight, and when I hear something else that I just can’t get out of my head, that’s where it will go.