Out of Context! - The Breakfast of Weird Champions.

I have totally neglected my blog this year. Between getting a new job, and working on my podcasts and other projects, I just have kind of forgotten to post much of anything. But for some reason today I felt like making a post, and I still had a backlog of Out of Context Quotes, so I decided to just do it.

So of course, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, as usual, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

"It's like a hairy stick."

"It looks like a sloth riding a camel."

"It pays to be discriminating with pickles."

"I like quietness. And soft surfaces."

"I keep trying to do these romantic, rat's nest hair-dos."

"He drank some mud water over there."

"I remember a lot of sleeve sniffing."

"He used to love his leopard print jingle Mousie."

"That's a war cry? What? That's pathetic!"

"It could be a llama girdle."

"My alpaca has a magical shark belt."

"The breakfast of weird champions."

"You have beautiful toes."

"Mmmmmmm, flesh. Your favorite."

"I don't normally lick my fins."

"Why do I suddenly want a picture of myself as a duck?"

"Most kids are sad little pickle haters."

"I'm a bubble snob."

"She's the one with the chickpea shampoo." 

"I think I'm just smelling my skin." 

 

If you like reading these Out of Context posts as much as I like making them, you can find the entire collection HERE.

Out of Context! - An Affectionate Clothespin

It has been way too long since I posted one of these. I have really neglected my blog this year. I wish I hadn't but things have come up. Despite everything, 2020 was a really busy year, and my blog definitely fell by the wayside. I made a few posts, but my regular series, like my Out of Context Quotes, just didn't happen very much.

But now I'm back! And I have posts coming! I won't say how many, or when, but more are coming! Starting with one of my favorite series! Which is probably only funny to me, but who cares. This is my blog.

Anyway, you know the drill: These are all real quotes, yadda, yadda, they all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

And of course, full disclosure: Most of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things. Like a lot, apparently.

 

"I got these pickles with the face of an old lady."

"I saw someone make a rice pudding that haunted me."

"She is definitely hairy and nubbly."

"I wouldn't mind a few pineapple clumps."

"I'm like a mother who wanted a librarian and got a rocket." 

"It's a lettuce tornado!"

"It's a Baptist vampire."

"I was channeling a punk rock princess."

"You could give her an affectionate clothespin."

"Mmmm... I like gnawing on q-tips." 

"She started collecting a whole bunch of hair from all over the place."

"We're gonna need both our guns for when the burlap comes."

"If you're going to be my pastor, then you should know I make these noises." 

"That's like eating a turkey sandwich and hoping for the best." 

"I figured he'd like little old ladies breaking the law."

"You've always been a shoe baby."

"He was on that commercial with the roadkill that I loved."

"Did you hear about the night Timmy drank the pancake batter?"

"It's so cute how you still make baby otter noises."

"Is a strange man touching your toes?"

If you like these Out of Context posts as much as I do, you can find the entire collection HERE. 

Out of Context! - Full of Cake & Fatigue

You know the drill: These are all real quotes, from real conversations that I had, heard, or overheard. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

"It's a sourdough panini full of mint and pop rocks."

 

"I like that she’s a 40-year-old woman."

"Don't sneeze on me, you filth!"

"We had a screaming match over whipped cream."

"I'm breathing on you with my human breath!"

"I'm gettin' $9 worth of mealworms."

"Right now he's got the cocaine rat and is going berserk."

"It was in the chicken hole."

"People kept choking on the babies." 

"There's a lunatic in a van chasing me."

"There’s kind of an obnoxious smell coming from the sink hole."

"It’s like drinking jet fuel!"

"You were blessed by the kitten fairies."

"I have a purple cardigan with a bad reputation."

"Maybe it's Monday in my heart."

"Inside every snowflake is a tiny naked person."

"Tear out its jingley entrails!"

"Can I try a baby out?"

"I'm not the meat-mobile."

"I'm so full of cake. And fatigue."

Out of Context! - A Baby of Substance

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard. These all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

Full disclosure: The majority of these are from me and my cousins. We say weird things sometimes. Okay, lots of times.

Also, I decided to change up the way I title these posts. Since they obviously do not happen every month, instead of putting the month in the title, I'm going to use one of my favorite phrases from the post to differentiate between entries.

"Oh man! That's a good puff!"

"I had a caramel once, made by cloistered nuns. It was very soft."

"Murder the rainbow donkey!"

"Father Time will snack on the bluebirds."

"I wonder what would happen if you put a kidney stone in a rock tumbler."

"It smells so good! Like Scotch tape!"

"I need to make you some felt sardines."

"I wanted to experience every textile with my mouth."

"I know of your lust for bagels."

"Do you have meat breath?"

"Do you have linty loins?"

"I'm going to dress you up in little clothes, and make you really mad."

"Now he gets a weird lump beverage."

"I was a baby of substance."

"It sounds like it's raining Beanie Baby guts."

"Look at my haunted pickle slice!"

"She's currently attacking the tablecloth."

"I made a cloudy bat thing!"

"Someday I may rub chickpea flour into my hair, but I don't know if I want to commit to that right now."

"That baby doesn't like this dinosaur!"

Out of Context! (November 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“Would a Raisin Rock be served with a Prune Boulder?”

“Did that English woman, sort of wander off?”

“Apparently he’s never been here on pudding night.”

“You beast-lump!”

"The recipe is in my mother's lavender cookbook, because of course I have a mother who owns a lavender cookbook."

“This counter is a rind graveyard.”

“I feel like I need to walk like a football player-sized penguin.”

“Embrace the goat, man. Lick the goat.”

“I saw a very hairy woman making cheese.”

“I’ll take the turkey with no soul, please.”

"You may touch her back hair."

"There is a Siamese named Jimmy in Minnesota."

"You just poisoned the fluffers."

"I would love a daily finger puppet."

"It's like, I don't want to care about the linoleum!"

"I remember hearing a muffled conversation about oranges while I was floating in the amniotic fluid."

"Those are my experimental cherries."

"I'm sorry I violated your nostril privacy."

"We'll name you Puce. Puce Dribble McFuzz."

"I didn't come down here to massage your scalp."

Out of Context! (September 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“What do I look like? I need to check!“

“It looks kind of like a sentient gumdrop.”

“The ghost has OCD.”

“He was trying to eat pellets.”

“Today we’re going to be eating roof thatch! Just like they did in the old country!”

“It’s a drink with lots of chunks in it.”

"I don't know how frogs work."

“Yeah, I just walk around with cheese in my pocket.”

“He’s just gonna nibble on my coat.”

“Does it have Asian juice?”

“You can trade that for Skittles!”

“No, the real thing! Not that drippy brown imposter!”

“I like the idea of having an armoire with a lot of glop in it.”

“I need to ask my dad about some empty paint cans.”

“It’s like a seagull eatin’ a hotdog.”

“This is my chicken pile here!”

“Decaf Chai, Whales, Oviraptors; basically the same thing.”

“WHAT IS THIS?!?!!! WHY IS THERE MILK IN THIS?!?!!!”

“It needs to be warm, with lumps and a skin.”

“Oh no. They stole a dirt baby.”

Out of Context! (August 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations, or overheard in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I hear a British person. And rustling." 

“They love the balls of filth.” 

“Mmmmmm.... Milk solids.....”

“Is your armpit hair tasty? Is it like marshmallows? 

“Your nose has changed.” 

“Things are pretty naturey out here.” 

“I’m just gonna stand here and eat raw tortillas.” 

“My innards feel fine.” 

“I forgot that the Dino had sweet moves.” 

“It will be a very quiet death match.” 

“You could have written ‘Toad Tinkle’.” 

“He’s got a fistful of pudding!” 

“So you would eat the angry alpaca?” 

“It’s okay if you commandeer a random napkin, it happens.” 

“I’m scarred from a very unfortunate fiber supplement.” 

“Beautifully coiffed in tights? I’d take it. Let’s dance, Baby.” 

“A little life advice: Never eat an old nitroglycerin pill because it’s really bad for your teeth.” 

“I’m always up for a new mozzarella adventure.” 

“He’s touching your beans again." 

“I’m just gonna squeeze this stripey thing one last time.”

Overheard 4

Wow. It has been a long time since I did one of these. Like, the last one I did was at the end of 2017! I said in that post that I had a few more to share, mostly examples of things I've overheard at church, and then somehow a year and a half passed, and I never wrote it. Oh well, I'm here now, so let's do it!

For those of you who have never seen one of these posts before, it's pretty self explanatory. All of these stories are things that I have overheard in real life, at church, work, out in public, etc. This is different than my newer, "Out of Context" series, in that I include the whole conversation, and everything that happened is very clear. If you would like to read the other three posts I made in this series, I will have them linked here.

Post 1 | Post 2 | Post 3

In the last post I said I still had conversations I'd overheard in church to share, so I will start with those. At least half of these I've probably had since then. Some are just random snippets of conversation that I have overheard, that really don't have anything to do with church, they just happened to take place there. Like this one, where I heard a little girl talking to her friend about a new culinary adventure she'd recently had.

"I ate clover! It's true! I promise it's true!"

Or this one, where a little old man started telling a story.

"When I was a small child, just before dirt was invented..."

Most of these overheard anecdotes happen between church and Sunday School. There's a fellowship/coffee time for people to visit and catch up, and a lot of random conversations can happen around me. Like when my grandma was discussing her favorite kinds of books with a group of elderly women.

Woman 1: “I like reading the Amish books.”
Woman 2: “Oh yes, me too.”
Woman 1: “I mean, they’re all the same story I guess, but I still like reading them.”

There was another time where another elderly woman was talking about her family when they were kids.

“My brother used to call me his ‘Little Muggin-Hose.’ I don’t know what that is, and maybe I should be insulted, but nobody could ever tell me what it was, and he’s gone to heaven now, so I guess I’ll never know.”

I actually googled that phrase, in a variety of spellings, and I never figured out what it was, so hopefully I haven't accidentally profaned my blog with some kind of old-fashioned swear. 😆


Once in a while there will be some kind of food served during the coffee time, and one of those days there were a bunch of tiny bowls of fresh fruit sitting on a table for people to help themselves to, which led to a very random and hilarious interaction between an elderly couple.

Elderly Gentleman: "Oh look at that! We have Jell-O today!"
His wife (looking at him like he was crazy): "No it's not, it's fruit!" 

He just looked at it and said, "Oh, okay." and went off to talk with someone else at a nearby table. He had missed church the previous Sunday, and this other person was wondering how he was feeling.

Elderly Gentleman (cheerfully): "Oh, I'm still not feeling the greatest, but I'm on drugs today!"

One Sunday before Sunday school started I overheard a Sunday school teacher who taught one of the younger classes, talking about her students.

“Every day I ask the little kids how their day is going. They think it’s because I’m trying to be nice and get to know them, but really it’s because I want to be amused.”

Last year the church completely restructured the way they did Sunday school, but up until that point, I had been attending class with my grandma, and at that time they had the whole church divided into age groups. So I got quite a few gems from going to Sunday school with the seniors.

Such as the day the teacher came in and said, "Good morning! How's everyone doing?"
Another elderly person in the class immediately came back with, "Well, we're here."

The teacher of the senior class was himself a senior, and he had a quite a few of his own, including this one, which to me, was one of the funniest things he ever said. And it was completely by accident.

"And then, that translation of the Bible was called the Septuagint! I had to learn that word from the microwa- I-I-I mean the World Wide Web."

He was completely serious, and it was all I could do not to just die laughing right there in class.

Another time he was talking about someone he heard on the radio.

"I was listening to a preacher on the radio, and he seemed to be pretty good, until he wanted to sell me a recipe for unleavened bread."

After the Sunday school classes were restructured, all the classes had a mix of people from all different age groups. In one of the first weeks of the new format, a woman greeted an elderly woman who entered the room.

Woman: "Good morning! Are you joining our class today?"
Elderly Woman: "Well, yes."
Woman: "Well then our class is going to get wiser!"
Elderly Woman: "Oh?"
Woman: "Because you’re here!"
Elderly Woman: "Okay, well, I hope that makes some difference."

I love dry humor, so this woman's delivery had me in stitches. Internally of course. Outwardly I was pretending I wasn't hearing anything.


Other than at church, most of my overheard conversations come from work, but I do have a couple of exceptions this time. One was from my nephew's birthday party, where a little kid I didn't know was wearing a party hat, but at the front of his head, like a horn, and he had to show it off to someone, who I am assuming was his mom.

“Look! I’m a unicorn! I’ve finally transformed! Aren’t you proud of me?”

Another anecdote was from a day I was at the zoo. We stopped in the gift shop, and as is pretty standard in zoo gift shops, there were plenty of children begging their parents for toys. I overheard this conversation between a pair of siblings who had just been turned down at the stuffed animal section, one of whom was significantly more pouty than the other.

Little Boy: "Our parents are so mean to us..."
Little Girl: "Not all the time..."

In the past, most of my overheard conversations have come from work, as I work at a grocery store, and I see a LOT of people. Since I got my job at the hotel I haven't worked nearly as much with the public as I used to, so this resource has mostly dried up, but I do still have a few examples from before my grocery hours went down. Such as this conversation between a little boy and a checker who must have known him.

Checker: "Did you have fun at pre-school?"
Little Boy: "Yeah! I was crying!"
Checker: "Oh no! Why were you crying?"
Little Boy: "I got in trouble."
Checker: "What?"
Little Boy: "I hit someone! But he hit me first!"
Checker: "Why didn't you tell a teacher instead?"
Little Boy: "I did!"
Checker: "Before or after you hit him back?"
Little Boy: *silence*

One day a very talkative, almost-but-not-quite hyperactive little boy came through my line with his mother and sister. He was rather energetic, and his sister seemed to be getting real fed up with his antics, and quipped:

"Jake, we're going to give you some night-night medicine!"

I don't know exactly what that means, but apparently it wasn't good, because her mom looked horrified and exclaimed her name in shock.

"Samara!!!"

The day after a snow storm, one of the baggers at the store, a teenage boy, came in from helping a customer out with groceries. As he took off his coat he exclaimed, "It's so slippery, I was doing a Bambi dance out there!"


Church isn't the only place I overhear conversation between elderly people. I heard this one at the store while I was bagging for another checker.

Checker: “Did you find your husband?”
Elderly Woman: “Yeah I found him.”

A moment later a little old man came up beside her.

Elderly Woman: “You said you’d be right back! I was about to ask them to call for you over the intercom. ‘Would little Davey please come to the front of the store?’”

Last year after I got the job at the hotel, I transferred to the grocery store's bakery to fit into my new overnight schedule a bit better. There are a lot fewer conversations to overhear back in the bakery, especially early in the morning, but I did get one. A small child was looking through a bakery display, in the middle of the summer.

“Mom! Look! They have Thanksgiving stuff already! See? It says pumpkin!”

At the hotel where I work now, we have a small, approximately foot-tall, bronze statue of the Iowa State University mascot, Cy, who is a buff cardinal, sitting on the desk/counter, by my computer, where we check in the guests. I just took a picture of it so you can see what I'm talking about.

One middle-aged guy seemed to like it a lot, and was commenting to his wife how they should get one. A minute later he called his teenage son over to show him the statue.

Dad: "William, look!"
Mom (To the son): "He's been rubbing it..."
Son (looking strangely at the dad): "That's weird, dad."

And that's all I have! I have no idea if I'll do another one of these posts, I haven't collected many of these since I started working at the hotel, I work overnights, so I don't see all that many people from which I can overhear hilarious conversations, but if I hear any, I'll keep collecting them just in case. If I get enough for another post in the future, I'll probably do another one, it is just unlikely to happen any time soon. :)

Out of Context! (February 2019)

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from conversations, or overheard in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I always loved the accordion as a pygmy. And then I would blow bubbles in my milk and be chastised.” 

“The house is haunted! By small British people in tiny sweaters!” 

“They’re at Thanksgiving, the lightsabers are out, and giblets are flying..." 

“Puddle is my favorite flavor.” 

“Who else is going to belch while adjusting my gallbladder?” 

“I do love you, I just hate the way you smell.” 

“Did you check to see how squishy the chicken is?” 

“It’s lodged within the folds of the butter.” 

“This is like Moo-Lava.” 

“I love that we’re overanalyzing the availability of cream of tartar.” 

“They used to be on the endangered list, and now they’re endangering me!” 

“I love the crazed look in your eye as you talk about vintage Parisian tapes.” 

“I wouldn’t mind a hairy Scandinavian.” 

“She took a box of sandwich meat and decided it would make a lovely floral notebook.” 

“Watch out for the lasers from his pocket!” 

“He was chasing me around with more purple things!” 

“I was just laughing at the pickles.” 

“Chipmunks will destroy the house, not impoverished children.” 

“I didn’t want you to moisten your elbow.” 

“Anyway, back to cheese.”

Out of Context 5!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes that were used in conversations, or that I overheard out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“You can just cheese your own corn.” 

“You keep that paper towel between you and their iniquity.” 

“See the celestial beams shooting out of the raccoon’s body!” 

“It sounded kind of like a wet punch.” 

“I don’t want this to turn into a regrettable syrup vat.” 

“Oh yeah, I love the squishy bits in the middle.

“Beware the clove!” 

“Cuddle the egg!!!” 

“Ooh, garbage… Smells like industry…” 

“It’s like moving the livestock away from a tornado. You move them or they will be consumed.” 

“I don’t know why you like me so much, but thanks!” 

“We need a puppy. A puppy and yogurt.” 

“Whenever I see fruit flies hovering around fruit, I think of Lord of the Rings.” 

“Forget sophistication, I want dark, nightmarish Muppets.” 

“Why does that turkey have blank eyes?” 

“Your whole body’s a beard!” 

“If I had a piece of felt pie, I would just enjoy looking at the felt pie.” 

“I had to pry some Hershey’s chocolate out of his tiny jaws.” 

“Did you guys save me the sink hole?” 

“I got pickles. Life is good.”

Out of Context 4!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes that were used in conversations, or that I overheard out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without.

“I have two jars of hands.” 

“Do you want to watch Icelandic children color posters?” 

“I'm a Man Flower!” 

“It's gonna kick you with its li'l demon leg.” 

“Look at that chubby girl hand, man!” 

“A cricket burped! Noooooooo!!!"

“A toad’s gotta do what a toad’s gotta do.” 

“It would be hilarious if grandma started obeying the napkins.” 

“There’s a ghost washing its hands.” 

“I was just noticing your little pancake butt.” 

“They’re kind of like drinkable Sundaes with bizarre ingredients.” 

“I just let out a little cloud.” 

“Unfortunately our outhouse burned down.” 

“I had to make a high pitched noise of disturbance.” 

“My fingers still smell like your deodorant.” 

“Hello, my little kneecap.” 

“Am I tickling your little pants?” 

“Are we to have roast preacher for dinner?" 

“I'm excited for my dribble.” 

“I can hear the potatoes singing.”

Out of Context 3!

Obligatory disclaimer, none of this will make any sense make sense. These are all real quotes that I overheard, in conversations, out in public, with family, at work, wherever, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without. Even if these are funny to no one but me, I still think they're worth immortalizing. :p

"That looks like an angel food cake stuffed with relish." 

"I enjoy talking about all the body parts I'm getting in the mail." 

"It looks like a mannequin lost a fight with a wood chipper." 

"You're a moist husk." 

"Can’t the blind cat nibble the nuts!?" 

"I don't think burning Yule garbage is a tradition." 

"Are you fading in front of your tiny hunk of pie?" 

"Earlier I ate a Happy, a Princess, a Vanity, and something else. It's kind of a blur." 

"It is heaven in a little basket." 

"I'm just over here petting my sock." 

​"I heard its plastic screams from upstairs." 

"Tell that to my underwear." 

"What will we do without our cheese hobby?!" 

"I can't believe the Tunisian crochet hooks were in the Tunisian crochet hook drawer the whole time!" 

"Are you getting tired of your crinkle?" 

"Sometimes I forget that the 70's happened all over the world." 

"Someone has crunchy crumbs in their beard!" 

"It's a dark, mysterious chasm of filth." 

"Did you drizzle the squash flesh?" 

"I don't have any pleasant meatball memories." 

Out of Context 2!

If you missed the first of these posts, then you should know that whatever this is, it won't make sense. These are all real quotes that I overheard, either in conversations with people, or out in public, that just struck me as funny. They all made sense within the context of the conversation, but I thought they were funnier without. So here they are.

"I was just trying her head on." 

"I've really been craving the texture of glutinous rice flour." 

"It's like a miniature Doberman Pincer with, like, a chihuahua head?" 

"Do you want a pile of hair?" 

"It smells a little like moldy orange, and the taste is reminiscent of cat pee. But I like it!" 

"She poiked a turtle!!!" 

"Every time an ice cube explodes, a penguin dies." 

"They look so harmless until you look at their bottoms." 

"Here come the billows of filth!" 

"They’re like onion cocaine." 

"It's starting to develop a weird odor about the sticker." 

"I will balm my wounds with old cheese." 

"Basically it's sheep grease." 

"I was curious as to what she was going to do with the zombie that was missing a chunk of its face, but apparently she needs to get it a magnetized unicorn horn." 

"There’s a whole garden of goths!" 

"This seems rather sacrilegious: I exorcised my toe today!" 

"Nom that, Babycakes!" 

"Boil the bedsheets!" 

"They look like intestine muffins."

"Behold my vat of lard."

Out of Context!

If you know me, then you know I like random humor.  And you probably know that this humor is not for everyone. In fact, there's probably a good chance you won't even understand half of what I find funny. You might even think it's stupid. Or just dumb. And you'll give me a weird look, and slowly walk away, wondering if I was sniffing that jug of mysterious blue liquid again.

So with that in mind, just know that there's a very good chance that you won't find anything in this post humorous, because the whole point of it is that there is no actual context for any of these lines. I just found them funny and decided to make something out of them.

These are all real lines that were said by real people, sometime in my real life, pertaining to real things, that in the moment that they were used, were relevant and understandable. And I stripped them of any of that context, and have saved them for this post, because I think they're even funnier when presented without context.

I have not written any of these lines for this post myself, I just heard them, and collected them, either from friends, family members, people at school, or work, or just overheard randomly out in the world. One of them may have been something I said myself, and afterward I realized how weird it sounded, but other than that, these are all strictly overheard statements.

I hope you find them as funny as I do, but I kind of doubt it. I'm strange. :p

"Your lace is getting dangerously near the curds."

"Are you playing with my clots?" 

"Do you want to sniff the sparkle ducky?" 

"It's a sparkle encrusted mound of delicious." 

"That would be like getting run over by a very blubbery car." 

"I was thinking how fun it would be to watch the plush Teletubbies plunging to their doom." 

"The key is probably on a marmot, down in the basement with the other stuffed animals." 

"We needed snake adhesive." 

"I don't tend to make many noises in the bathroom, this could be a novelty!" 

"I can't believe I just spent like three minutes putting a hat on this goat." 

"I swallowed a dragonfly once. It was a really weird experience." 

"It's a teddy bear intestine." 

"It's literally a duck race." 

"Is there a word for like, a moist squeak?" 

"We accidentally won a Christmas tree." 

"The only man's deodorant I ever wore gave me a rash." 

"I need to do a body count. I don’t know how many boys I have now."

"Mmmmm... Ibuprofen and banana pizza!" 

"I think I could get a little DNA if I really practiced." 

"The squirrels that work in the internet will take that package where it needs to go."

If you liked this post, I may just do another one, because there are plenty more where this came from. And if you didn't like this post... Well, I guess that's too bad, because there are plenty more where this came from. :p

Overheard 3

Well, it's been a long time, a year and a half to be exact, but I am back with another post of overheard conversations! In case you don't remember, or missed the other two times I did one of these, all of these anecdotes are real conversations that I personally overheard and then wrote down to share later. Some days it pays to blend into the background. You never know what kind of weirdness people will say when they think no one is listening! Or when they don't care. Either way can be funny.

If you're curious, the previous two posts can be found HERE and HERE.

I've been collecting these since I did the last post, so I have quite a few new ones to share!

The most obvious place for me to overhear things is at work. Some customers will say anything, not paying attention to anyone around them. It's like they think we're a part of the store and not autonomous humans that can listen to everything they're saying. I suppose I should be insulted, but as long as they're not rude to me personally, and I get a story out of it, I'm kind of okay with being ignored. :p

A grandmotherly-aged woman was talking to her husband while looking at her phone as they came through my checkout line.

"I got a text from Dylan and he said his friend Jayden said 'Your grandparents are dope!' So I texted back and told him I was sorry we were dopey. And he just replied and he said, 'No grandma, being dope is good!' So I guess things have changed. Back in the day calling someone a dope was an insult!"

Earlier this year we had a total solar eclipse pass over our part of the country, and I heard a lot of people talking about it the day after. This was by far the weirdest one. It was from an old man, if that makes any difference.

“Well, I didn’t turn into a werewolf in the holocaust!”

In the holocaust. The HOLOCAUST. Just let that one sink in for a moment. No one corrected him, and he seemed completely unaware of what he had just said.

Another day, a mother was buying several boxes of macaroni and cheese, and as she unloaded her cart she said,

"My toddler just loves to eat the cheese dust out of the macaroni and cheese boxes. He calls it 'Shake shake.'"

Initially I laughed, and then I realized that, as she was buying quite a lot mac&cheese, she must have no problem with feeding her toddler copious amounts of processed chemical cheese dust, on a regular enough basis that he has given this 'snack' his own name, and I wasn't sure if I found it so funny anymore.

If you've shopped anywhere within the last six months, you've probably noticed that the credit cards with the chips are becoming more and more common. Unfortunately my store does not have the best chip readers, so it can take anywhere from 5 to 15 seconds longer than a normal swipe reader for the transaction to process. For some people this is an inconvenience of the highest caliber, about which they must loudly and rudely proclaim their anger and frustrations over. Those customers' stories I will not share here, though I may eventually end up killing one or two off, in my other series of work-related stories, Twist Endings, but once in awhile I will get one of the sainted few who decide to make a joke of the *extremely minor* inconvenience of the chip readers. Case in point, the elderly woman who couldn't quite figure out what to do with her new card right away.

"Oh dear. I’m never going to live long enough to remember this."

Across the store one day I heard a whole bunch or racket so I looked toward the pet aisle, and I saw three little girls incessantly squeaking everything in a display of dog toys. Suddenly their mother appeared behind them and exclaimed,

“Unless you have 4 legs and a tail, put those down!” 

Speaking of kids, the single most common type of overheard conversation comes from them. I have so many of these. They're all wildly different, and they're all hilarious.

Last year there was a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie released, and as with most new blockbuster films, we got a big cardboard display to set up in the store when the DVDs were released. Not long after the stand had been set up, a little girl with a very fit dad came through my line. By 'very fit' I mean that the dad was wearing a tight t-shirt and he had noticeably bulging muscles.
The little girl was probably around two or three, and as I rang up their groceries, the little girl was looking at the movie display. It's worth pointing out that these new Ninja Turtles are a bit more humanoid than the cartoony versions from the 80's and 90's, but they're still buff, green turtle monsters. The girl was studying them for awhile, and then turned to her dad, pointing at the display.

"Look! Daddy! Daddy, it’s you!"

The dad turned to look at what she was talking about, saw the muscular turtle-men, and quipped:

"Oh, thanks sweetie! Not sure how I feel about that..."

Another day a mother and child came through my line.

Child: "Mom! Mom! Can I have some chapstick?"
Mom: "No, you don't need it!"
Child: "But mom! My chips are chapped!"
Mom: "Your chips are chapped?"
Child: "Mom! No!! My lips!!"

Last year, one of the biggest online trends was the 'Bean Boozled Challenge.' The candy company, Jelly Belly, makes a game(?) where they package a bunch of different random flavors of jelly bean, with identical jelly beans of awful flavors. For example, the light green jelly beans might be lime, but they might also be boogers. For awhile, every other YouTuber was buying these jelly beans, and then they'd get together with a friend, and make a video, documenting their outrageous reactions to eating terrible flavors, like Skunk Spray, or Stinky Socks. And for some reason, this made these jelly beans insanely popular, and we were selling a lot of them. This was the funniest conversation around them that I heard during the craze, between a little girl and her mother.

Little Girl: "Mom! This one has dead fish! And rotten eggs!”
The Mom, feigning interest: "Oh!"
Little girl, very excitedly: “Last time I only got one bad one, and my brother got all the bad ones!"
She opened the package: “Mom! I found a barf one! And boogers! I don’t like those. Lawn clippings is okay though, right mommy?
"
Mom, as they left the store: “Well…”
Girl, interrupting: “There’s coconut! That’s a good one! But not baby wipes!”
Little girl, from far away: “I’m so excited!!!"

It's not always little kids, I've overheard some teenagers too. Like this one, where a group of boys came in to buy a bunch of Mexican sodas, which come in glass bottles. One set his bottles on the counter and turned to his friends.

“These bottles make great hammers! I used one of mine to pound in a tent stake!”

Okay kid, good luck with that.

Another time I overheard two younger teenage boys, discussing problems at school, culminating with one declaring everything he was going to do to fix it, 'Once he became president.' The other one replied,

"Yeah, well, when you're president, you're not going to care about middle school issues anymore."

Another place that I got a lot of great overheard material from this past year was at college. I'm out of school now, so that well has kind of dried up, but I collected a lot while I was there, especially from one class in particular. I had one teacher who was always coming up with something funny to say, and as this was a creative writing class, so were all the students. Here are some of those exchanges.

One of the first days, the teacher was trying to get to know the students.

Teacher: "What's your job?"
Student: "I'm a dog groomer."
Teacher: "Well you must be good at it because you don't have any chomp marks."

The teacher was talking to a student during role call.

Teacher: "So what did you do this weekend?"
Student: "I picked up my boyfriend from the airport. He was studying abroad in England."
Teacher: "Oh, that's exciting! Did you link pinkies all the way home?"
Student: "No..."
Teacher: "Oh... Well I would have."

During another role call:

Teacher: "Michael. Do you prefer Mike or Michael?"
Michael: "How about Mike when you're talking to me, and Michael when you're talking about me."

A student was talking about a guy he had seen, during an exercise where we were to observe a stranger for awhile and notice things about them that would be worth writing about if they were a fictional character.

Student: "He was playing a game on his phone."
Teacher:"What was he playing? Tetris? Farmville?"
A different student chiming in: "Well hello Mr. 2005. Did you know there's going to be a black president in three years?"
Teacher: "I have heard such things, yes."

The teacher also had some very random quips during conversations and lessons that just struck me as hilarious.

"It's not a good idea to eat lentils before a three mile race through the woods."

"I think she was an animal science major, because something just seemed, like, animal science-y about her." 

"Did you ever play with paper dolls? You seem like someone who liked to color and snip." 

This next one was from a completely different class, one that was optional for me, this class had the same teacher as the one I'd just finished, both advertising classes, and the teacher had invited my class to sit in for the guest speaker in his next class. There were two girls near me from that class, for whom the class was not optional, having a public, private conversation before the guest arrived

Student 1: "What even is this?"
Student 2: "This girl's coming in to talk about being a copywriter."
Student 1: "What even is that?"
Student 2: "A copywriter?"
Student 1: "Yeah."
Student 2: "They like, write all the copy. In ads."
Student 1: "Ooohhhhhhh... Do we even have to be here?"

This next one was just a random student I heard, I don't think he was in any of my classes, I think he was talking about a test he had to take, and it may actually have been in Sunday school at my grandma's church.

"You know that song by 'Bohemian Rhapsody'? Like, "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me," that's how I feel right now."

I mean, I've only ever heard a handful of songs by Queen, but even I know that it's the SONG that's called Bohemian Rhapsody.

One of my favorite classes in my last year of school was my poetry class, which was largely due to the teacher. She was just such a great person to be around, always friendly, always talking about random things that had happened in her life. Since she was a poet, this makes sense, as she mined her life experiences for  poetry ideas. She also like to give life advice, such as this little gem, from her first marriage during her time in a traveling rock band.

"You should never marry your heavy metal guitar player. Just a little life advice for you guys."

Well, I think that's going to be all for this post. I actually still have more than this, I didn't really even touch on most of what I've overheard at church, but I think I'll save that for next time.  Hopefully I'll get to the next one sooner than I did for this one. :p

Overheard 2

Ever since I published my last Overheard post, I've been collecting more overheard conversations. It's sometimes really hilarious what you will overhear. Church, school, work, overheard hilarity can come from anywhere. And it has.

Let's start with work. A lot of funny stuff happens when a little kid wants something.

This first one is a little girl about 8.

Little Girl: "Mom, can I have some Tic Tacs?" (She's holding up a box of orange ones.)
Mom: "Oh, I suppose. Do you want the orange ones?"
L.G.: "No, I want the green ones." *Grabs green Tic Tacs* "No wait, I want the orange ones."
Mom: "Why don't you get the box that has all the colors in it?"
L.G.: "No, I want the green ones." *Sets down the green box* "No, wait, the orange ones."
The little girl plunks the orange box on the belt and walks away from the display.
L.G.: "Mom, I am being such a Gemini right now!"

Regular people can sometimes be just as funny as kids. I'm sure this next lady wasn't trying to be funny, but she was. She was walking by a display of red, white, and blue M&Ms. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to a nearby employee and exclaimed in genuine excitement, "Oooh! Look how patriotic they are!" As if the inanimate objects were showing some sort of overzealous love of country, instead of being a clever marketing ploy aimed at... Well, people like her. :p

I've said this before, but old people can be hilarious. This exchange happened at work.

Little old man: "Why'd you go and get green bananas? I'm not going to live that long!"
Little old lady: "You'd better! I just bought a new stove!"

And it's not just at work. I've heard quite a few gems at the nursing home where my grandpa lives.

There was one day where we were all sitting in grandpa's room, and we heard a repeating pounding sound, coming down the hall, getting closer and closer. When it was right outside, we heard a nurse approaching.

Nurse: “What are you doing, Gladys? Why are you pounding on the walls?”
*No answer*
Nurse: “No, don’t go in there, that’s someone’s room! Are you looking for someone?”
Gladys: “A dentist!”
Nurse: “A dentist? Are your teeth bothering you?”
Gladys: “No, but they might!”

Sometimes it's not even the initial statement that is funny, which I didn't even hear, but the reaction to it. Like this one time I heard a nurse burst out laughing in the alzheimer's unit and say: "You'd better NOT have a man living with you!"

Church is also a wellspring of hilarity. The kids in the college age Sunday school classes can be quite funny, sometimes without even trying. Like one time where I overheard the end of a conversation between two guys. 

"It was in that Tarantino movie. You know, the one where those guys were Inglorious."

If you don't get the reference, just Google "Inglorious", and you'll get why the guy in Sunday School, didn't want to just come out and say the title. :p

A lot of times the responses to questions from the teacher are also hilarious.

Sunday School Teacher: "Did you see your sister's play?"
(The girl he was talking to shook her head)
SSTeacher: "You didn't? What kind of a sister are you?"

A low "Ooooh!" murmured around the room and one guy across the room exclaimed "Savage!"

During the Christmas program a child was reciting Psalm 37:4, which goes as follows:

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”

The kid actually did pretty well, except instead of the word "Desires," he said "Diseases." It was all I could do to not burst out in laughter right there in the middle of service.

I'm not sure what this next conversation even means, but I overheard this from another little boy at church. I'm assuming he was talking about a video game, but it was in the middle of a church event, so it struck me as hilarious.

Little Boy: "I found an enchanted bow, with three protection, and one fire! At my cousin's!"

School is by far where I hear the most funny stuff. half of it seems to happen as I'm walking across campus, or sitting on the bus or in class. I'll just hear a random snippet of a conversation that sounds hilarious.

Girl on the bus: "We ate snapping turtle once. It tasted like chewy rubber."

Girl in class: "I can't believe I missed The Bachelor last night! Don't tell me who won!"
Girl 2: >Gasp!< "You don't know who won?"
Girl 1: "Well I accidentally saw it online, but I forgot."

Girl at school: "I mean, it could be fun, if the professor wasn't, like, drier than Arizona dirt."

Classmate 1: “So my roommate got totally drunk last night, and she left all these half-empty containers all over our apartment. So I took them all into her room and put them in her shoes. Now she thinks she’s crazy. She got up this morning and asked me, “Why did I put all my booze in my shoes?”
Classmate 2: “That sounds like an adult Doctor Seuss book. The Booze in the Shoes.” 

My Journalism Law class last semester seemed to produce a few gems. Mostly from my teacher who was kind of weird, in a hilarious sort of way. Like, he was always talking about his cat, Pattycake.

Journalism Law Teacher: "This morning at five o'clock, Pattycake learned what happens when you stick your paw, or tail, or other appendages into a running fan, and she felt obligated to share, quite loudly. So our lesson today, is don't stick your paw into a running fan, and don't hold an unlawful public meeting."

Like, always.

Tranquil pan flute music began to play somewhere in class, and was abruptly silenced.

Teacher: "Awe! I was about to achieve enlightenment! First Pattycake bites me, then you destroy my one chance at nirvana! Welcome to Monday of Dead Week!"

Those were just two examples. He talked about her at least once a week, but unfortunately I didn't write them all down. His anecdotes about Pattycake weren't the only times he was funny though, he had plenty of other moments. Like one day when we were learning about obscenity laws, and he was pretending to be the characters in his made up scenarios.

Teacher: "Let's go back to the 1970's." *Mimicking a prosecutor* "'Look at these pictures, there are people kissing and holding hands, but one is white and one is black! Members of the jury, this depiction of inter-racial affection is patently offensive, and grossly obscene!'"
*From an iPhone in the back of the room:*
Siri: "I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

And the class burst out laughing.

My other classes produced a few gems too. Even in my Arts & Entertainment Journalism class, which was my favorite class last semester, not everyone felt like I did though.

Teacher: "I have a stack of graded papers THIS TALL *gesturing with his hands* to give back to you guys. They're in alphabetical order and everything. It's going to be like Christmas."
Girl in class under her breath: "Yeah I bet it's going to be disappointing like Christmas too."

Classmate: "Can you re-send the requirements for the final essay again?"
Teacher: "I have not sent them yet, I'll be doing that soon."
Classmate:"Oh! I am less unprepared than I thought!"

This was the last class of the semester, and a student was trying to sneak out before the lecture was over. The teacher stoped in the middle of his sentence.

Teacher: "See you, Trey! Have a good life!"

The class burst out laughing and a girl shouted: "Oooh!!! Called out!!!"

My favorite teacher, aside from my A&E Journalism teacher who was great simply for the fact that he was teaching the fun class, was my advertising teacher. She is from South Korea, and she could be quite funny at times. I didn't write many things down, but she was always talking about her dogs back home, or her love of sports, and how superstitious she was. By far her funniest moment for me was this exchange, in the middle of class.

Girl: “There’s a bug in here!”
Guy: “It’s a wasp!”
Girl 2: “No! I’m allergic!”
Teacher (In her adorable Korean accent): “Do we have anyone here who can communicate with the wasp?”

That's all I've got for now. I will keep my ears peeled for more though. Hopefully I'll have another post in a few months. :)

Overheard

It has been quite awhile since I published something original, something not a video, so today, I'm releasing something totally different than anything else I've done before. And if you couldn't tell by the fact that I just spent an hour making a logo for it, I really liked it, and it will probably become a series.

Have you ever been out somewhere and you overheard something out of context (or sometimes even in context) that just struck you as hilarious? It seems to happen to me a lot, so I decided to start saving them to share. Originally I would post things like this on Facebook, but there were a couple days that so many happened over the course of a few hours, that I decided to start writing them down, to use in a post like this.

This all started at my grandma's church in Ames. The other college kids can be pretty funny to listen to, and one day they just seemed to have a whole bunch of weird one liners that cracked me up.

These first ones are bits of conversations that I caught out of the hubbub of random dialogue around me. Usually the line that was spoken or shouted the loudest is what I heard.

"Hey, Jesus wasn't white!"

"OJ didn't do it!"

"I have a bone to pick with cheerleaders." 

"I wish they would have had pictures back then. How do we know Jesus had a full beard? What if he had some condition where he couldn't grow facial hair?" 

Here, I was the only person in the room when two other guys walked in and saw some items on the chairs left by other students.

Guy 1: "Who's stuff is this?" 

Guy 2: "Your mom's."

This was part of a discussion group dialogue.

Discussion leader: "Ok, you can have the last word, you have 12 minutes." 

Guy with last word: "I don't need 12 minutes, I wasn't raised baptist."

These next two were conversations I overheard while visiting my grandpa at the nursing home in Story City. They are both conversations between two residents.

 "It's 15 minutes until 2 o'clock." 

"What?" 

"It's 15 minutes until 2 o'clock." 

"What?" 

"It's 15 minutes until 2 o'clock." 

"What?" 

"It's 15 minutes until 2 o'clock." 

"What about socks?"

Another conversation I overheard, it may have actually been the same two people from the previous conversation, started when I heard an earsplitting BRAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!!!!!! (An enormous belch) from across the room. Not missing a beat, as if nothing had happened, the belcher, an elderly "Gentleman" tried to strike up a conversation with the little old lady next to him.

Elderly Gentleman: "Those shoes look like they're brand new." 

Little Old Lady: "Well they're not." 

*Silence* 

EG: "Time for a little nap." 

LOL: "Well I hope so. Simmer ya down maybe." 

I didn't have quite as many opportunities for people watching while I was back in Harlan, but I did overhear a few while at work at Hy-Vee.

A little girl was climbing to the top of a large stack of Gatorade.

Little Girl: I'm the Gatorade Queen! 

LG's Mother: Get off of there! 

A group of elderly gentlemen were having a long conversation in the dining room that I missed most of, as I was at the other side of the room, but when I got up to throw away my trash, this is what I overheard.

"How do they even get into those high heeled shoes?" 

"I don't know, I think they grow into them." 

"I think they get up on the top bunk and step down into them."

Totally different day, a couple months later, the same group of men were gathered, as usual.

"I don't have anyone to cook for me." 

"Why don't you get married?"

"I tried that already." 

"Well, try again!"

A mom with a little boy, probably two-years-old, came through another checker's line.

"I told him he could pick out any candy he wanted, and what does he choose? Bandaids."

A woman came through my line with  a little girl, somewhere between 6 a 8, and started walking away without her bag, so I picked it up.

"Don't forget your bag!"

"Oh, well, thats why I have this one."

She gestured to the girl who dutifully took the bag. As they walked out the door the little girl must have asked why she had to carry the groceries because I heard her mother say:

"Because I carried you for 9 months."

A couple came through my line, and as I scanned their items they just kept on talking.

"Why am I yawning?"

"You haven't had enough sleep."

 "Well I need to get some sleep. I know your mom is going to text us for church in the morning. The only reason I'm going is-"

"'Cause you'll hear all about it?"

"Yeah. I'm not scared of God, I'm scared of your mom."