Obligatory disclaimer, none of this is supposed to make sense. These are all real quotes, from real conversations I had, heard, or overheard in public. They all made sense in context, but I thought they were funnier without.
“Would a Raisin Rock be served with a Prune Boulder?”
“Did that English woman, sort of wander off?”
“Apparently he’s never been here on pudding night.”
“You beast-lump!”
"The recipe is in my mother's lavender cookbook, because of course I have a mother who owns a lavender cookbook."
“This counter is a rind graveyard.”
“I feel like I need to walk like a football player-sized penguin.”
“Embrace the goat, man. Lick the goat.”
“I saw a very hairy woman making cheese.”
“I’ll take the turkey with no soul, please.”
"You may touch her back hair."
"There is a Siamese named Jimmy in Minnesota."
"You just poisoned the fluffers."
"I would love a daily finger puppet."
"It's like, I don't want to care about the linoleum!"
"I remember hearing a muffled conversation about oranges while I was floating in the amniotic fluid."
"Those are my experimental cherries."
"I'm sorry I violated your nostril privacy."
"We'll name you Puce. Puce Dribble McFuzz."
"I didn't come down here to massage your scalp."
