Thursday, December 11, 2014

How To Not Die

I wrote the following post for my journalism class. A class that was grueling, unforgiving, and just plain hard. But the teacher was great, which made it so much better. Anyway, I only wrote one thing for that class that would be of interest to anyone else. The rest was all classmate profiles, an article on homelessness, a recap of a visiting political analyst's speech, and a bunch of other all incredibly dull stories for anyone who doesn't care about them.

But one assignment we were allowed to have fun with. We were to write an article in the form of an instructional blog post. We didn't have to adhere to AP Style, we didn't have to report on anything, we just had to explain how to do something. When I'm given such wide parameters, you know I'm not going to do just any old normal thing like, "How to Bake a Cake," or "How to Care for a Mohawk," no, I'm going to tell you all about not dying.

How To Not Die

If you're like me, you like living. I know, everyone does. But there could be a problem with that. Death is just around every corner if you're not careful. So, if you want to continue to be alive, here are just a few simple tips that can keep you going for years.
1. Stay out of the woods. I know it's tempting, they just look so big, and cozy, and inviting. But those friendly looking trees have dark secrets, inside the woods are all manner of unholy horrors. Inside each tree are the most disgusting, poisonous, and deadly creatures imaginable, creatures like insects, lizards, spiders, and squirrels. If you even touch the tree, they will leap out of hiding and tear you to shreds, or inject you with poison. Behind the trees are even more horrors. Lions, tigers, bears, and cassowaries, it all depends on where you live, but any one of these could kill you at any moment, so stay out of the woods.
2. Stay out of the frozen food isle. Unless you are going in there for some frozen peas, you need to give this isle a wide berth when you visit the grocery store. It is chock full of deadly items that are sure to kill you with one bite, or maybe 40. It's really the overeating that kills you. I'm looking at you, pizza rolls…
3. Stay out of the zoo. I know it looks fun, but the zoo is full of animals that can kill you with one chomp from their adorable maw. I know those ocelots are just the most adorable thing ever, but don't even think about climbing over that fence! They will just rip your face off with not even a second thought. Same with the meerkats. I've never actually heard of them attacking anyone, but with a swarm that large, you just never can be too sure. It's the cutest things that can kill you worst. Which brings me to my fourth point.
4. Stay out of the pet shops. You do not want anything that has sharper teeth than Grampa Fred living inside your house.  I'm sure by now you've heard of that old lady who fell down and was eaten by her Pomeranians. You don't want that to happen to you, do you? I didn't think so.
5. Stay out of the garden. You'd think I was going to warn you about the spiders, bugs, and scorpions that live there, but no. Those things are dangerous, yes, but not as dangerous as the plants. The plants can be more deadly than any poison slug or venom slug or worm you might find there. With one sprinkle of pollen you could puff up bigger than a pygmy hippo, and start blasting your lungs out with violent sneezes. Beware.
These five simple guidelines will serve you well, as you progress through life, hoping to avoid death. But if these are too much to remember, just remember this one: Stay in your house and never leave.

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