Aries
You will fall into a large sum of money this month! But beware the leeches who will steal it all away.
Because you are also going to fall into a gross pond and get sucked by disease-ridden leeches and your astronomical medical bills will completely deplete all your newfound wealth. Oh well. Nothing lasts forever!
Taurus
You will meet the most beautiful person you've ever seen this month. They have the most amazing laugh, and a heart-stopping smile. They drive a Ford. Your love was never meant to be.
Because you drive a Chevy.
And you're both in cults.
And your car worshiping cults hate each other.
Yeah I said it. You Chevy vs. Ford people are in cults. If you need a car, just buy a car! Who cares which multi-billion dollar corporation you're giving your money to! They don't care about you! If it drives, it drives! Sheesh.
Now if you'll excuse me, the new iPhone is going to be out next week, and the line outside Best Buy is already halfway to McDonalds. I need to claim a tent space.
Gemini
You will meet the subject of a cloning experiment gone awry. And they look a lot like you! Oh wait, sorry, apparently you were the RESULT of a cloning experiment gone awry. So like, you're going to meet the original you this month! Congratulations! I’m sure you two will have a lot in common.
Cancer
You have cancer.
Leo
Oh, hey! Your Uncle Leo is coming for a visit! Cool! That guy's pretty fun. Make sure you hide the good silverware though. Remember what happened last time.
Libra
A glass jar of gravy will fall off the shelf and smash by your feet as you shop. People will think you did it on purpose. Or, at least, you will think that people will think you did it on purpose. But they won't. No one's paying any attention to you. No one even cares.
Scorpio
You will have to clean up a smashed jar of gravy at work. Sorry. But hey, it could be worse! Remember that time a kid barfed on the floor? See? Could be worse!
Sagittarius
I still don't know what a Sagittarius is. Is it like a depressed goat? Apparently you’re going to meet a sad goat sometime this month. Weird.
Capricorn
This month your wildest dreams will come true, and you will meet an actual, real live unicorn! And it will have a baseball cap stuck on its horn? Or maybe a bottle cap? A gas cap? I don't know man. The future is really hard to see sometimes.
Aquarium
You are lacking in companionship. You should buy a fish tank! And if that doesn't work out, you should get some batter and a deep fryer.
Pisces
What? Pisces? Pieces? Like, Reeses Pieces? Those are pretty good. You should get some of those. Either that or a puzzle. Some Ikea furniture? Something with pieces. Is this even the right zodiac thing? I don't know. I may or may not be phoning this whole thing in at this point. I think I'm done now. See you next month. Maybe.
Probably not.
We'll see.
I'll check my horoscope.
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