I'm Not Joining a Cult

When I tell you where I am, I know what you're going to say.

"Jonathan! You're joining a cult!"
"Jonathan! Earth will not boil in the fiery waters of purification for the next 300 years!"
"Jonathan! Please come out of that missile silo and take your medicine!"

No! I'm not joining a cult, I'm just moving to an underground bunker 15 stories below the surface of the earth, in Kansas with other like-minded individuals to wait out the coming apocalypse! Why is it so hard to realize that this isn't a cult!

It all started last month at school, when Father Laurence was preaching in the Free-Speech zone outside the library one Tuesday. Normally I don't pay those people any mind, They're always screaming about your sins, and how you need to repent or you're going to burn in a well or something. I don't know.

Anyways, Father Laurence wasn't yelling like the others, he was handing out flyers, and free samples of the kind of food they'll be serving in the bunker. That really hooked me. One was like ice cream, but you didn't have to keep it in the freezer! How genius is that! And this! This is really going to get you! Everything is free! How could you pass that up!

When I showed an interest is the program, Father Laurence took me aside and explained everything to me. The Great Sky Whale, Ka'ag'Ra'an the Vyle, is coming back to earth to bathe the planet with His fiery blowhole. Only the faithful, those who bury themselves in the earth for three hundred years (and donate all their money to the Tithe of The Sky Whale) will be saved.

Now, I know what you're going to say.

"Jonathan, donating all your money is not free."
"Jonathan, humans do not live for three hundred years."
"Jonathan, seriously, how long has it been since you've taken any of those pills?"

But it's not about the money. The tithe is just to weed out the unfaithful, those untrue to The Great Whale. After that, for the next three hundred years, you will never have to pay a dime. And it's true, that humans do not, in general, lead lives that exceed even one hundred years, but The Great Whale rewards those that worship His Leathery Beauty with extended lifespans. Father Laurence himself has lived for seven hundred and twelve years, he told me so himself!

Now, I know it's going to be difficult to say goodby, but we really don't have to! Father Laurence is willing to wave the entrance fee for any friends of the faithful, as long as they pay sometime after The Cleansing has begun. I know that will mean emptying bank accounts beforehand, but that will give you a great opportunity to witness of His Greatness to any policeman, or IRS agents who might come investigating.

Remember Ka'ag'Ra'an will arrive next Thursday, so reserve your spot in the bunker today! Wait, Thursday is tomorrow! It may already be too late! I will miss you all! Except for the ones I won't.

I pray that those of you who chose the path of unbelief will be spared with a quick and merciful demise. Unless you were mean to me. Then I pray for the Wrath of The Whale.
May His mighty waters be poured out upon your hateful heads.

I love you all! Kisses!