Monday, July 3, 2017

#TrumpFacts

Before we begin, I just want to say that this is not meant to be an offensive political post,  it's meant to be nothing more that the nonsensical randomness that all my other #TrueFacts posts are. Plus, I'm not only picking on Donald Trump, I did this to a ton of other presidents like three years ago as well. You can find that post HERE if you're curious.

Also, before we begin, I just want to say, that I tried to avoid the easy jokes. I really did. But there are just so many! Everyone always makes fun of his hair, his hands, his cold and distant wives, and I really didn't WANT to think of any of those kinds of jokes. I really did try to have everything in this post be just as weird and random as everything else I always write, but the easy jokes just kept coming to me!

So, to compromise, before we get to the real jokes, here are the dumbest, lamest, stupidest, easiest jokes, that I came up with. I'll leave these here, outside of the "Official" #TrueFacts list, as some bonus content that doesn't actually count as my list. They were too dumb to include, but they still made me laugh, so here they are.

I apologize in advance. :p
(not the real) photo TrueFacts_zps430d290d.png


Did you know that Donald Trump's hair is actually a nest of living orange hamsters? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump has a secret White House pet that no one knows about? It's an orange beaver named Winston that lives on his head. #TrueFact

Did you know that Dunston Checks In, the classic movie from the 90's about an adorable orangutan who's living in a hotel, was based on Donald Trump's hair? #TrueFact

Did you know that before Donald Trump married Melania, 27 other brides got lost in the mail? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump's hands are so tiny that he has to use a carrot with an apricot poked onto each end to lift weights? #TrueFact

Did you know that during a rough patch in their marriage, Donald Trump once tried to ship his first wife Ivana to Abu Dhabi?  He forgot to poke holes in the box and she died.  #TrueFact
(I am SO sorry, I know it's terrible, but I just couldn't help myself. And also I was literally laughing at this for hours after I wrote it, so I had to keep it. :p)

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to tear down the Muppet Theater because he thought there was oil under it? #TrueFact

Did you know Donald Trump once tried to open a fast food franchise to sell french fried frog legs as well as turn Kermit the Frog into his own personal mascot-slash-appetizer? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to seduce Miss Piggy and steal the Baseball Diamond from Lady Holiday? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once kidnapped Big Bird and locked him in a giant birdcage in order to force him to perform at his circus? #TrueFact

Okay, yes, the last four jokes are all the plots of various Muppet movies with Donald Trump replacing the villains. I once heard a comedian say that Donald Trump was like a cartoon villain who'd bulldoze a kid's playground to build a hotel, so of course I imagined him as a Muppet villain instead. :p

Now, on to the real(totally not real) #TrueFacts! I make no promises that any of these are any better!

 photo TrueFacts_zps430d290d.png

Did you know that Donald Trump uses orange marmalade as styling gel? His gorgeous coif both looks and tastes incredible! #TrueFact

Did you know that while the average human is 60% water, Donald Trump is actually 60% tanning lotion? And also like, 10% hemorrhoid cream. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump has a ventriloquist dummy modeled after himself named Li'l Trumpy? He uses it to talk to Melania when they're alone. That's the real reason she has her own bedroom. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump's childhood idol was Scrooge McDuck? That's why he's always puckering his lips. He's just trying to be like his beloved childhood hero. #TrueFact

Did you know that Trump Tower is actually one of Donald Trump's massive money bins? Most of his hotels and properties don't have any floors, they are just giant fancy boxes to keep his money in. Just another bit of inspiration from his fine feathered idol. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to recreate Scrooge's iconic money bin dive? In 1992, he installed a diving board at the top of his Plaza Hotel in New York. Unfortunately the Plaza went bankrupt in the middle of his dive and he ended up in a body cast for 6 months. #TrueFact
(And before you ask, yes, the moment he went bankrupt, all the money magically disappeared in a puff of smoke. I know it makes no sense! Does any of the rest of this?)
Did you know that Donald Trump owns a body cast signed by Scrooge McDuck? He actually went all the way to Disneyland himself to get it signed. Ivana Trump, his wife at the time, said it was the only time she'd ever seen him cry. It was a single tear of happiness, but it still counts! #TrueFact

Did you know that one of Donald Trump's first acts as president was to break the Presidential Lasagna Eating Record? The previous record had been held for 136 years by President Garfield.



Did you know that one of teenage Donald Trump's first jobs was to be the clown mascot for a small chain of hamburger restaurants called McDoogals? He did such a great job, they actually renamed the whole chain in his honor. #TrueFact

Did you know that the real reason that Donald Trump hates Hillary Clinton is that she rejected his elaborate musical-flash-mob-prom-posal back in 1963? He actually still has a secret crush on her, and is masking his wounded pride with insults. #TrueFact

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