#TrumpFacts

Before we begin, I just want to say that this is not meant to be an offensive political post,  it's meant to be nothing more that the nonsensical randomness that all my other #TrueFacts posts are. Plus, I'm not only picking on Donald Trump, I did this to a ton of other presidents like three years ago as well. You can find that post HERE if you're curious.

Also, before we begin, I just want to say, that I tried to avoid the easy jokes. I really did. But there are just so many! Everyone always makes fun of his hair, his hands, his cold and distant wives, and I really didn't WANT to think of any of those kinds of jokes. I really did try to have everything in this post be just as weird and random as everything else I always write, but the easy jokes just kept coming to me!

So, to compromise, before we get to the real jokes, here are the dumbest, lamest, stupidest, easiest jokes, that I came up with. I'll leave these here, outside of the "Official" #TrueFacts list, as some bonus content that doesn't actually count as my list. They were too dumb to include, but they still made me laugh, so here they are.

I apologize in advance. :p

(not the real)

Did you know that Donald Trump's hair is actually a nest of living orange hamsters? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump has a secret White House pet that no one knows about? It's an orange beaver named Winston that lives on his head. #TrueFact

Did you know that Dunston Checks In, the classic movie from the 90's about an adorable orangutan who's living in a hotel, was based on Donald Trump's hair? #TrueFact

Did you know that before Donald Trump married Melania, 27 other brides got lost in the mail? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump's hands are so tiny that he has to use a carrot with an apricot poked onto each end to lift weights? #TrueFact

Did you know that during a rough patch in their marriage, Donald Trump once tried to ship his first wife Ivana to Abu Dhabi?  He forgot to poke holes in the box and she died.  #TrueFact
(I am SO sorry, I know it's terrible, but I just couldn't help myself. And also I was literally laughing at this for hours after I wrote it, so I had to keep it. :p)

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to tear down the Muppet Theater because he thought there was oil under it? #TrueFact

Did you know Donald Trump once tried to open a fast food franchise to sell french fried frog legs as well as turn Kermit the Frog into his own personal mascot-slash-appetizer? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to seduce Miss Piggy and steal the Baseball Diamond from Lady Holiday? #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once kidnapped Big Bird and locked him in a giant birdcage in order to force him to perform at his circus? #TrueFact

Okay, yes, the last four jokes are all the plots of various Muppet movies with Donald Trump replacing the villains. I once heard a comedian say that Donald Trump was like a cartoon villain who'd bulldoze a kid's playground to build a hotel, so of course I imagined him as a Muppet villain instead. :p

Now, on to the real(totally not real) #TrueFacts! I make no promises that any of these are any better!

Did you know that Donald Trump uses orange marmalade as styling gel? His gorgeous coif both looks and tastes incredible! #TrueFact

Did you know that while the average human is 60% water, Donald Trump is actually 60% tanning lotion? And also like, 10% hemorrhoid cream. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump has a ventriloquist dummy modeled after himself named Li'l Trumpy? He uses it to talk to Melania when they're alone. That's the real reason she has her own bedroom. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump's childhood idol was Scrooge McDuck? That's why he's always puckering his lips. He's just trying to be like his beloved childhood hero. #TrueFact

Did you know that Trump Tower is actually one of Donald Trump's massive money bins? Most of his hotels and properties don't have any floors, they are just giant fancy boxes to keep his money in. Just another bit of inspiration from his fine feathered idol. #TrueFact

Did you know that Donald Trump once tried to recreate Scrooge's iconic money bin dive? In 1992, he installed a diving board at the top of his Plaza Hotel in New York. Unfortunately the Plaza went bankrupt in the middle of his dive and he ended up in a body cast for 6 months. #TrueFact

(And before you ask, yes, the moment he went bankrupt, all the money magically disappeared in a puff of smoke. I know it makes no sense! Does any of the rest of this?)

Did you know that Donald Trump owns a body cast signed by Scrooge McDuck? He actually went all the way to Disneyland himself to get it signed. Ivana Trump, his wife at the time, said it was the only time she'd ever seen him cry. It was a single tear of happiness, but it still counts! #TrueFact

Did you know that one of Donald Trump's first acts as president was to break the Presidential Lasagna Eating Record? The previous record had been held for 136 years by President Garfield.

Did you know that one of teenage Donald Trump's first jobs was to be the clown mascot for a small chain of hamburger restaurants called McDoogals? He did such a great job, they actually renamed the whole chain in his honor. #TrueFact

Did you know that the real reason that Donald Trump hates Hillary Clinton is that she rejected his elaborate musical-flash-mob-prom-posal back in 1963? He actually still has a secret crush on her, and is masking his wounded pride with insults. #TrueFact

True Presidential Facts!

I started this post almost a year ago. For some reason I just started thinking up "True facts!" about the presidents one day, and before long I had almost enough for a post. Later I sat down, rounded them out to twenty, and decided to save them to use for Presidents' Day. Today.

Did you know that Andrew Jackson liked to wear ladies' hats? He wasn't a cross-dresser, he just really liked ladies' hats. True fact!

Did you know that Grover Cleavland was into furry cosplay? His favorite character was one he created himself, a blue monkey named Steak Sauce. This costume would later be used as the inspiration for the Sesame Street Muppet, Grover. True fact!

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln holds the highest Pac-Man score in history? True fact!

Did you know that Franklin D. Roosevelt became obsessed with Dimes after his face was put on them? He was once heard to tell a friend "These tiny frisbees with my face on them are delightfully enchanting!" Then he would throw them and lose them. It was thought that he had some kind of a problem. True fact!

Did you know that Thomas Jefferson used to throw Disco Raves at his plantation? This was well before Disco, OR Raves. He was quite the trend-setter. True fact!

Did you know that under John F. Kennedy, being a clown was illegal? Kennedy was extremely Coulrophobic, and decided to legislate accordingly. Under the Kennedy regime, clowns faced severe penalties, including up to 6 months in prison, if they were caught in public with their makeup on. The suffering was not limited to just clowns, however. Due to the cross-race effect, mimes were frequently mistaken for clowns, and faced similar persecution. True fact!

Did you know that President Obama was not actually born in Hawaii? He was actually born in Connecticut, but that's such a boring state, that he went to great lengths to pretend to be more exotic. True fact!

Did you know that at one time, congress entertained the notion of choosing a president with a Miss America pageant? The idea was nixed after John Adams pointed out that all the men would look horrible in dresses. True fact!

Did you know that Hillary Clinton was actually the first female president? History says it was Bill, but we all know who was really running the show. True fact!

Did you know that George W. Bush is a clone of Bush Sr.? He was upset about not getting a second term, so he cloned himself so he could go twice. True fact!

Did you know that William Howard Taft tried to duplicate Teddy Roosevelt's success with the Teddy Bear by saving an animal of his own? Sadly, the Willy Walrus never caught on. True fact!

Did you know that Richard Nixon used to bathe in yellow Gatorade? Pat didn't know anything about this odd quirk of his, until one day she accidentally walked in on him and was absolutely horrified. True fact!

Did you know that Obama has his own flock of flying monkeys? He got the from George W. Bush as a "Thanks For Getting Me Out of This Heinous Job" gift. True fact!

Did you know that Ronald Reagan could heal the sick and walk on water? This is why Republicans worship him. True fact!

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln wore his top hat to hide his pet beaver? Its name was Priscilla Chrysanthemum. True fact!

Did you know that when Jimmy Carter retired, he took a part time job as that rat thing at Chuck E. Cheese? True fact!

Did you know that George Washington was an alien from Saturn's 10th moon? That powdered wig he always wore was to hide the tentacles on his head. True fact!

Did you know that Sarah Palin wanted to be Queen of America? That wasn't allowed, so she tried for the next best thing. It was decided that she and John McCain would arm wrestle to see who would be at the top of the ticket. Though she lost, it is widely speculated that John McCain somehow cheated. True fact!

Did you know that Lyndon B. Johnson's favorite Pop-Tart flavor was S'Mores? Lady Bird thought that they were absolutely disgusting. Her preferred breakfast item was an Egg McMuffin. True fact!

Did you know that Millard Fillmore and his wife Jane single-handedly stopped an alien invasion? They saw the spaceships land and started throwing rotten grapes at them. The aliens weren't very big, and they were not exactly a strong or advanced race. They were soundly defeated. True fact!