#TrueFacts (April 2018)

Did you know that it’s outside your window right now? It’s watching you. It’s always watching you. #TrueFact

Did you know that famed kitchen gadget inventor Claudius Dumplesmith died a penniless laughingstock? This was because all of his inventions were things like the sausage peeler, the cheese ricer, and the milk dicer. Sadly, the man was certifiably insane. #TrueFact

Did you know that Bigfoot has wings? That's why no one ever finds him, he hears them coming and just flies away. #TrueFact

Did you know that most alleged angel appearances are actually Bigfoot sightings? #TrueFact

Did you know that biker cows do not wear leather jackets? They used to, until they found out what they were made of. And then they felt really gross about it. #TrueFact

Did you know that clowns use coconut oil to keep their skin silky smooth? And to keep their hair disturbingly greasy. #TrueFact

Did you know that if you fall down an up escalator, it's like you never even fell? #TrueFact

Did you know that if you fall up a down escalator, you will break all known laws of physics, and you will ascend to god-hood? At least, that's what the wise old man I found sleeping under a bridge told me. #TrueFact

Did you know that birds invented the popular social media platform, Twitter? Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, Biz Stone, and Evan Williams the four "human creators" of Twitter, are all fabricated personalities invented by the Twitter Trust©, a flock of super-intelligent sparrows. These sparrows make public appearances using a combination of robotic avatars, and CGI. #TrueFact

Did you know that some of the Twitter Trust©'s robotic avatars may have managed to achieve sentience and invent Facebook? If investigator's theories are correct, about two years before the launch of Twitter, a few early prototype AIs, let by a droid named Mark Zuckerbird, managed to gain enough self-awareness to rise up against their avian overlords, and escape. Striking out on their own, they decided to create their own social network in an attempt to connect with the humans that share their likeness. But this is still only a theory. Unlike the Twitter Trust©. That stuff is all definitely, definitely real. #TrueFact