For those of you who are new, every year I like to come up with new, amazing things for you to hand out to Trick-or-Treaters. After all, you want to be the most memorable house in the neighborhood, right? Well if you follow my advice, you'll certainly be memorable. It's up for debate whether that's a good thing or not.
If you're interested, the previous years' posts can be found at these links:
2013 - 2014 - 2015 - 2016
Candy - No not edible candy, Aaron Carter's hit 2000 pop single 'I Want Candy' covering the 1982 pop smash by Bow Wow Wow, which was itself a cover of a 1965 song by the Strangeloves. You can give out one of the originals too, but you're going to get egged. Oh who am I kidding. You're going to get egged anyway.
A Haunted Diadem - Do you have an ancient, cursed crown that's just swarming with ghosts, who never leave you alone, and are always opening your cupboards, looking for food they can never eat, and occasionally flushing the toilet and playing (admittedly catchy) Turkish pop music just to mess with you? Well, when you get a Trick-or-Treater around who you particularly despise, probably that rotten neighbor kid who shaved and painted your cat that one time, just give him the crown, and your troubles are over! It's perfect! If his parents complain, you can just act like they're crazy, because ghosts aren't real, right?
Cucumber - Just leave a cucumber on the porch.
Raisin Boxes - This one's a bit tricky, but for this one, just put all your real candy into raisin boxes. That way all the spoiled brats won't take any, and you can keep it all for yourself. And if they do take one, well, they must be a very polite child, and therefore they deserve the candy.
A Trick - Kids always say Trick-or-Treat, so why not call their bluff? This year, when they say Trick-or-Treat, wordlessly pull a rabbit out of a hat. When they applaud, go back inside and shut the door.
Another Trick - When the kids all say Trick-or-Treat, do some kind of a sick skateboarding trick, or a sweet bike jump. Grind down your porch rail, and ride off into the night!
Trix - Just pour some Trix cereal into their candy bag. It's a treat and a pun!
Marbles - Marbles are pretty cheap right, right? All you have to do is dress up like a little old lady who can't see well. The kids will just assume that you mistook the marbles for candy and will be too polite to say anything, saving you a TON of money on candy. If they do say something, you can just give them a Tic-Tac out of your purse, because what self-respecting little old lady doesn't keep Tic-Tacs in her purse? And if those little rotters complain, you can just pelt them with the marbles, while screeching at them to get off your property. It's a win-win either way.
Tea - Open the door dressed like a proper British Lady, complete with the fanciest, most unnecessarily elaborate gown you can find. Bonus points if you dress as the queen and wear a crown. This goes for guys too, the exquisite gown, as well as the most exaggerated, high pitched falsetto voice you can muster, are an absolute must for this one, no matter your gender. Optionally, you can also wear some giant fake teeth if you want, but that's probably racist, so maybe you better not.
In your worst British accent, screech at the little tots that approach your door, "CHEERIO MY DARLING, I'M SIMPLY CHUFFED TO BITS TO SEE YOU!!! WOULD YOU LIKE A SPOT OF TEA?!?!" And then proceed to pour boiling hot tea out of your finest china teapot, directly into their candy bag. "HOW ABOUT A CRUMPET?!?!" and throw one of those in too. "BICKIE?" and just dump a whole box of digestives in there as well. If they start crying, whether in fright, or because you just melted all their Twixes and Kit-Kats, exclaim, "BLIMEY!!! THIS DOES THROW A SPANNER IN THE WORKS!!!" and turn around pretending that your husband is inside.
"REGINALD MY DARLING THIS TINY BEGGAR CHILD IS HAVING A RIGHT BEASTLY BLUB ON OUR DOORSTEP!!! SHOULD WE CALL THE ORPHANAGES!?!?" Then grab your carpet bag, pop open your umbrella, and float away into the night calling, "TOOTLE-OOO, LOVE, TOOTLE-OO!!! PIP-PIP!!! CHEERIO!!! JOLLY-GOOD!!! SMASHING, SIMPLY SMASHING!!!"
