Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Loch Ness Questionnaire

We have now officially begun work on our persuasive speeches. Tonight our questionnaires were due. Going along with my fascination with cryptozoology, in my speech I am going to try to persuade people that the Loch Ness Monster is real. Yeah, I’m sure most of you think I’m crazy, but I’ll post my speech here after I write it, so you can see it’s not as crazy as it sounds. As with my last questionnaire, I tried to be really funny in how I wrote it. Everyone had to fill out a big pile of questionnaires from all the other students, so I figured they’d need at least one funny one to break up the monotony. Smile I’ll post it here for you to read. I based it off my other one so some of the questions are a little similar, but it’s pretty much all new material.

Demographics Section
1. What is your Taxonomy? (Circle One)
a. Human
b. Animal
c. Vegetable
d. Mineral
2. How old aren’t you? (Circle as many as apply)
a. Baby-Type
b. Kid-Type
c. Teen-Type
d. Grown-Up-Type
e. Old-Type
f. Dead-Type

3. Please tell us about your mode of transportation.
4. Do you have any ethnicities? If so, please tell us about them. And don’t say white, because all politically correct people know that white is not an ethnicity. And don’t say black either, because all politically correct people know that saying a person’s skin color out loud is the most offensive thing you can do. You’re only allowed to say African-American, even if you’re from Europe, because all politically correct people know that that is the only way to not be offensive.
5. How much money do you make? You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, I guess. We’re just intrusively nosey.
6. Do you have any handicaps? Oh! Sorry! I am SO insensitive! You must be horribly offended at my shocking lack of politically-correct-ness! What I meant to ask was, are you handi-capable?
Yes No (Circle One)
Main Topic Section

7. Have you heard of the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes No (Circle one)
8. On a scale of zero to ten, how much do you know about the Legend of the Loch Ness Monster?
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (Circle one)
9. Do you believe in the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes No      I don’t know, but I’m willing to keep an open mind. (Circle one)
Questions 10 through 18 are for believers only, and you are not allowed to answer them if you put no for question 9. If you put no and you answer any of the questions we will ship your survey to a hand-writing analysis expert who will decipher your true identity, and then we will come to your house in the dead of night, stuff you into a potato sack and take you to Lake Champlain, where you will be fed to Nessie’s cousin Champ. We’d feed you to Nessie herself, but we do not have enough money in the budget for a flight to Scotland, plus, Nessie hates American food. It gives her gas.
10. What do you believe the Loch Ness Monster Looks Like?
11. What do you believe the Loch Ness Monster is?

12. What do you believe to be true about the Loch Ness Monster? (Check as many as apply)
It is a dinosaur
It is a myth (If you check this answer, see above for what fate has in store for you!)
It is a magical creature
It is an extremely large fish
It is a bluebird on vacation from Chernobyl.
It is a whale
It’s just a fat dolphin
It is an alien that moved here from its ocean world of Pluto when Pluto froze over.
It is obviously Godzilla’s seafaring Grandmother. The rest of these answers are ridiculous!
I have absolutely no idea what it is!

On a scale of one to five tell me how much you agree with the following statements. (Circle one)
13. The Loch Ness Monster isn’t real.
I Completely disagree 1 2 3 4 5 I completely agree (Circling 5 could be hazardous to your health – See warning above)
14. There are many “monsters” that live all around the world that are probably the same species as the Loch Ness Monster.
I Completely disagree 1 2 3 4 5 I completely agree
15. If the Loch Ness Monster exists it could be a plesiosaur.
I Completely disagree 1 2 3 4 5 I completely agree

16. I’ve never heard of the Loch Ness Monster, and I think you just made him up to scare me!
I Completely disagree 1 2 3 4 5 I completely agree (Do you really want to test our threat?)

17. I’ve never heard of that cousin of Nessie’s you threatened to feed unbelievers to. I want to know more about him as well.
I Completely disagree 1 2 3 4 5 I completely agree

18. Please check all the adjectives that you feel could aptly describe the Loch Ness Monster
Totally Awesome!
A prehistoric beast of legend, shadowed by mystery and superstition
A fish, if a fish was a two-ton gorilla
Some type of old shoe
You forgot some! Here, I’ll write them in for you.

19. Did you find this questionnaire funny? If so, how funny was it? Please use as many creative adjectives as you can to fully describe the hilarity of the survey.
20. Based on the survey you have just taken, does this sound like a speech you would enjoy listening to? If so, why?
This time around I think the speeches are going to be pretty interesting. We are all going to have to try to persuade the other students to either change their beliefs on something, or change their behavior. Joel is going to try to get everyone there to stop drinking pop. I rather doubt he’ll have much success with that, as most everyone there almost always has a bottle with them. One woman is going to try to convince everyone that aliens are real. I want to hear that one. I don’t believe in them myself, but the subject has always fascinated me. Judging from another woman’s survey her topic is going to be about music piracy. I’m not sure which way she leans on the subject but I cracked her up by answering some of the questions as if she were talking about seafaring pirates instead of internet music thieves. The first question asked what I thought piracy was. Since it didn’t say MUSIC piracy, I put “Stealing golden treasure and owning a parrot.” Another question asked what I believed the consequences for piracy was. Again it did not specify music piracy, so I put down “Losing various limbs in violent sword-fights.” After I gave it back to her she read through it and burst out laughing. Everyone wanted to know what was so funny, so she read them what I had written.
I still do not like giving speeches, but as you can see I try to make the best of a bad situation. As long as I have to be there, I might as well TRY to make it fun. Smile

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