Friday, February 22, 2013


I was bored, so I decided to make up a bunch of junk again. :)

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Did you know that all boxed cereal was at one time outlawed in the United States? After President William Howard Taft tasted Kellogg's new cereal "Corn Cob Clumpies" he declared it to be "The worst thing he had ever eaten," and "A threat to the freedoms of all mankind." True fact!

Did you know that Lemurs are actually just extremely smart Monkeys? They became tired of living with their wild, ignorant, hillbilly cousins, so they declared themselves a separate species, built an airplane out of palm trees and coconuts, distilled their own fuel from fermented papaya and coconut milk, and flew to Madagascar where they set up the only country ruled by non-human primates. True fact!

Did you know that scientists recently discovered a planet whose oceans are comprised entirely of mayonnaise? True fact!

Did you know that prunes are not actually dried plums? They are imported from a tiny village in South America where shaman women make them from shrunken monkey heads. True fact!

Did you know that unicorn legends were started when a very fashion forward horse decided to wear a cotton candy stick as a hat? True fact!

Did you know that there are no such things as narwhals? They are all just really stupid whales who liked the "Unicorn" idea but wore the cotton candy cone as a nose instead. True fact!

Did you know that bats are completely extinct in the south? Hillbillies mistook them for "A Great Big Honkin' Plague of Tiny Hairy Dragons!" and shot every single one out of the sky in 1965. To this day bats are afraid to move back into the area for fear of a similar massacre. True fact!

Did you know that there is no such things as diamonds? Jewelers just cut some glass chunks really fancy as an excuse to guilt men into buying their wives something super expensive on Valentines Day. True fact!

Did you know that lemons are actually just shriveled up oranges with a skin condition and a really bad attitude? True fact!

Did you know that mermaid legends were not actually started by sailors? The stories were invented by mermen who saw human women and became jealous that they didn't have a beautiful counterpart of their own. True fact!

Did you know that the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons are actually nature documentaries? It is a well known fact that coyotes use elaborate gadgets in order to catch their prey, and that all roadrunners can run faster than most man-made vehicles, while they emit their signature call, "Beep, Beep!" True fact!

Did you know that slugs are just homeless snails? True fact!

Did you know that tofu is the most boring cheese in the entire world! True fact!

Did you know that vinegar is just spoiled water? True fact!

Did you know that pigeons are actually just hippie doves? True fact!

Did you know that the funny, sped-up way that people move in old films isn't the result of the primitive cameras, people actually used to move like that! True fact!

Did you know that Beanie Babies are actually the taxidermied remains of real animals from a tiny island somewhere near China? True fact!

Did you know that Hello Kitty is actually regarded as a deity in Japan? Those who belong to the Pink Temple of Adorableness gather to worship her once a week on Friday evenings. True fact!

Did you know that Jesus' favorite pizza toppings were Canadian Bacon with Mushrooms? True fact!

Did you know that cows invented SCUBA diving? They had planned on using it as a means to escape to freedom once they became aware that those semis that all their friends were being loaded into was not actually taking them to Disney World. The plan fell through when a little girl discovered their detailed drawings scratched on a barn wall. She told her dad, who photographed the ideas and patented them as his own. The cows who actually invented the SCUBA diving system were served with Heinz 57 sauce at his "I'm rich now!" banquet. True fact!

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