Saturday, February 23, 2013

The REAL story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears

I had so much fun writing The REAL story of the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe, that I decided to do another one. I must confess that this particular idea is not entirely my own. It was inspired by a poem by Roald Dahl where Goldilocks is a terrible little brat. His was a decidedly more macabre version, wherein Goldilocks is eventually devoured by the baby bear since she had stolen his food and he was starving. Mine won't end with the death of a child, but I still felt inspired to do another twisted fairy tale along the same lines. I love taking an old story and adding irreverent twists. :p


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Goldilocks and The Three Bears

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She was one of the most adorable little girls you would ever meet. So angelic, always friendly, always polite, "Just a treasure!" little old ladies would exclaim when they met her.

But looks can be deceiving, for as adorable as Goldilocks was on the outside, on the inside, she was a nasty little monster. On Sundays when the collection plate was passed at church, she would help herself to a few 20's. While the little old ladies were gushing over her beautiful curls, she was swiping the pocketbooks from their purses. You know the phrase, "Like stealing candy from a baby?" Goldilocks did that all the time. She thought it was hilarious to make babies scream, and then run away before their mothers knew what was happening.

In the woods outside of town, there lived a family of three bears. Grizz, Jackie, and Lil' Junior. These were not your average wild bears. Years ago Grizz and Jackie had gotten married and had left the ways of the woods to become civilized. They now lived in a little 2 story log cabin, that they built themselves once they had finished architectural and interior design school. They had also decided to become vegans, and had completely given up on eating any lost hikers they might find in the woods. Since committing to a meat-free lifestyle, the family had to learn what foods they could and could not eat. Jackie hated cooking, so Grizz took it upon himself to learn. This particular day he was trying a new gluten-free quinoa and flax seed porridge recipe.

After he finished cooking the meal, he called out to Jackie to see if she wanted to go for a walk while the porridge cooled. Jackie called down the stairs. "I'll be there in just a second! I'm getting Lil' Junior's bed made up with the new sheets I just finished sewing!"

While he waited for his wife, Grizz got Lil' Junior ready for the walk. He sat him in the little chair he had made for him, and got his shoes and jacket on. Lil' Junior was very cooperative. He was a very easy going baby. Some babies hate getting dressed, but Lil' Junior was fine. It would take something very upsetting to make him even start to cry.

As Jackie got her coat on, Grizz decided to set the porridge in a large serving bowl on the table. That way it would cool faster than if he left it in a metal pot on the stove. He set the table so they could eat when they came home and the family walked out the door.

Not too much later Goldilocks happened upon the cabin. Why would a little girl be on her own, deep in the woods, you ask? Well, if you knew anything at all about Goldilocks, you wouldn't be asking that. She wasn't allowed out there. Her mother had no idea where she was. Her mother was generally clueless of her daughter's behavior. She was probably off playing poker and smoking cigars with her girlfriends. She wasn't a very good role model for little Goldilocks.

Goldilocks peered into the window and saw that all the lights were off. "Perfect." She said to herself. "I'm starving. I'll bet they've got all kinds of food in this fancy place," and she walked right on in. She didn't even stop to wipe her feet, which was unfortunate since she had been jumping in mud puddles all morning.

The first thing she saw when she entered the cabin was a huge table with a big steaming bowl on it. "Wow, that looks good!" she thought. The table was all set so she jumped into the smallest chair with the smallest bowl, filled it right up and dug in.

"UGH!" She gagged. "What is this crap!?" Goldilocks had a very foul mouth for such a sweet looking little girl. She was so mad by how gross the porridge tasted that she dumped the whole serving bowl on the floor and threw the dish she was eating at the wall. Both of them smashed of course.

"Surely these people have something edible around here!" She jumped down and went to the refrigerator. "Sick!" she exclaimed. "Nothing but vegetables!" Then she saw Grizz's cookbook on the counter. "101 Simply Scrumpti-licious Vegan Recipes."

"These people are nuts!" She thought to herself. She decided to rifle through the cupboards instead. In the last drawer on the bottom, she found Jackie's private stash of Sugar Free Carob-Chip cookies. She tried one and thought it was nasty, but not too nasty, so she ate 7 of them, and then dumped the rest on the floor.

After eating her fill of cookies, she went to explore the house. In the living room she saw the biggest couch that she had ever seen in her life. "Man, these people must be fat!" She exclaimed. She climbed up and started jumping on it. It was really springy and super fun. Of course, seeing as how she had also been jumping in mud puddles that morning, the couch was soon covered in footprints. On the plus side, at least her feet were pretty clean now.

Five minutes and two ripped cushions later she got bored and decided to sit in a little chair and watch TV. It collapsed under her weight. It was made for a baby bear, not an eight year old girl. "This place is messed up," she grumbled to herself. She forgot about the TV and decided to keep on exploring the house.

She found a flight of stairs and started climbing. As she walked up, she began to notice something strange about all the pictures on the wall. None of them were of humans. All of them were of bears. "Wow," she thought. "These people have some seriously bad taste in art."

When she got upstairs she found the most gloriously huge bed she had ever seen in her life. Right next to it was a bed much more her size for sleeping, but sleeping was the last thing on her mind. She climbed right up and began bouncing like her life depended on it. She bounced and bounced and bounced. Then she had an awesome idea. She took a flying leap and launched herself off the bed. "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" she screamed as she flew across the room and landed squarely on the little bed.

She jumped off, ran back to the big bed, and launched herself again. "WOOOO! This is awesome!" Over and over she she jumped and landed. Finally the small bed couldn't handle the stress and all four legs broke at the same time. Goldilocks went flying, hit the wall, rolled under a night table, and blacked out.

Not long after, the family came home from their walk and immediately knew something was wrong. The door was ajar and there were muddy footprints leading into the house. The footprints led to smashed dishes, spilled food, and a ruined couch. Jackie ran to the phone and called the police, while Grizz went to sit Lil' Junior in his chair and give him some Organic Baby Fruits brand fruit snacks. The chair of course was destroyed, so he set him at the table, and went upstairs to look around.

When he got upstairs he found that their beds were a mess. The blankets were everywhere, and Lil' Junior's bed was completely destroyed. The lamp on the far night table had been knocked to the floor and was smashed. As he searched to room he noticed something strange under the night table. A heap of blue cloth that did not look familiar.

"Jackie hates that shade," Grizz said to himself, "Why would she make anything with that color of material? He reached under to pull it out. It was a little girl! "Well! I guess I know who destroyed our house!" he exclaimed. He held the girl under his arm and started down the stairs. "Jackie! Guess what! I found our intruder!" Suddenly Goldilocks came to and began kicking him and screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs. "Quiet, you!" Grizz said. "We're not going to eat you, we haven't eaten any small children in years." Goldilocks kept screaming and reached into the pocket of her dress. She whipped out a can of pepper spray and sprayed it directly in Grizz's eyes. Now it was his turn to scream. He dropped her immediately and she rolled down the rest of the stairs.

At the bottom she leaped to her feet and bolted for the door. Jackie was too quick, and jumped in front of it. She was too far away for Goldilocks' little can of pepper spray to reach, so she reached into her dress and whipped out a TASER X26. With 50,000 volts, Jackie went down immediately. Goldilocks looked back and saw Grizz tumbling down the stairs clawing at his burning eyes and she laughed. Turning to leave, she saw Lil' Junior at the table holding his fruit snacks with his mouth open in shock and confusion. Goldilocks calmly walked over, snatched his fruit snacks and triumphantly ran out the door laughing wickedly. Lil' Junior began to sob.

Half an hour later, Officer Hubbard arrived on the scene. After questioning the family it was discovered that they had a nanny cam in the bedroom upstairs. They went and got the tape. Upon inspection of the footage, officer Hubbard recognized the girl as one who attended his mother's church. It was suspected that she had been stealing from the collection plates but no one had ever been able to prove it. Officer Hubbard decided to launch a full-scale investigation into the girl, and she was arrested that afternoon. Her mother was also arrested for child neglect, and both of them were sent to jail. The State Pen for her mother, and Juvie for Goldie. As she is a very uncooperative child it is most likely that she is still there.

And she did NOT live happily ever after.

The three bears however were completely insured, and everything was paid for by Fairyland Farms Insurance. Grizz loved making furniture, so he made everything brand new, and Jackie finally got to buy the beautiful new sofa she'd been dreaming of. Grizz was a little upset that Lil' Junior couldn't have defended himself better, so when he was old enough, he bought him two pairs of Nunchucks, and enrolled him in Karate classes. He is now the most dangerous little vegan bear you will ever meet. It would be very unwise for anyone to ever try to take his fruit snacks again.

The End.

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