Sunday, February 10, 2013

The REAL Story of the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

This started out as a very different story. Yesterday I made a joke about the old woman who lived in a shoe moving into a flip flop. April French told me I should actually write that as a story. So I was going to. But then... Well... This happened instead...

I think something might be wrong with me... :p

Update 2/22/13: I've decided to make this a series, and I've designed a logo!

The Old Woman Who lived in a Shoe

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread;
Then whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed."

Does this sound like a stable parent? I think not. But Gladys Foote was not always the insane old lady portrayed as an unstable, abusive mother-figure in this fairy tale. She was actually a very good mother before she moved into this secondhand, lace-up, knee-high boot that she’d found at Goodwill.

With 27 children, she couldn’t afford to go to any new shoe-stores, and with the children getting older some of them needed their own rooms. The sneaker they were living in just wasn’t cutting it so they went to Goodwill to find the biggest, cheapest shoe they could afford. The problem was, the boot that she found was very old, and the glue that held it together had been outlawed years ago. It was made with some very hallucinogenic properties, and it had been used by teenagers for “Sniffing” purposes. Unfortunately Gladys’ bed was right by one of the seams. As it was an old shoe, the seam was coming apart, so all night the smell of the glue slowly made her more and more insane.

One evening her best friend, Old Mother Hubbard, came by with 14 dozen cookies for the family, and she saw Gladys lining up all of her children and whacking them all with a beanstalk for no reason whatsoever. This behavior was very unlike Mrs. Foote. Mrs Hubbard had known Gladys for years, and she had never once seen her lay a finger on any of her children. Even when Julesgard had tied 7 of his sisters into the shoelaces of the house and thrown figgy pudding at them, she had just sent him to his room with no dessert. Of course, no one else had gotten any dessert either, since it was all over Margret, Marjory, Marmalade, Mariska, Marzipan, Marcella, and Clyde.

Old Mother Hubbard was very concerned, but she didn’t want to call the Fairyland Child Protection Services. They were well known for doing pretty much nothing at all, in even the most severe cases. She had called them dozens of times about the VonSchneider family but nothing was ever done, then one day poor little Hansel and Gretel were just gone, and no one had seen them since. Besides, up until now, Gladys had been a perfectly good mother. Something must be wrong and Mrs. Hubbard was determined to get to the bottom of this.

She ran down the road toward Mrs. Foote and grabbed the beanstalk from her. “What are you doing?” she asked. Mrs. Foote gave her a crazed look and grabbed the basket of cookies and began to wildly cram as many as she could into her mouth, cackling wildly, and flinging cookie crumbs everywhere. She then began hooting like an owl and ran up the nearest tree. Now it was Old Mother Hubbard who didn’t know what to do.

“Mamma’s been like this for weeks.” said Farnsworth. “She started making soups for supper out of rutabagas, grapes, tree bark, and Marigold’s Teddy bears. And I HATE rutabagas! And then she whacks everyone with a beanstalk before bed.”

“Don’t worry sweetie,” Mrs. Hubbard said, “I’ll find her some help.” She went inside to find a phone to call Dr. Know-All, but when she stepped into Gladys bedroom, she was overwhelmed by the smell of glue. Suddenly she knew exactly what the problem was.

Years ago, Mrs. Hubbard had been one of Fairylands best cops, and had led her team on the drug bust of the decade that had discovered the gang who had been selling glue to teenagers. She was one of the officers who testified in the trial that ultimately ended up getting the toxic glue outlawed. When she smelled the stench of glue pouring out of the wall by her best friend’s bed, she knew why she was acting so strangely. Instead of calling the doctor, she called the head of her former department and asked for some help to get her friend out of the tree, and into rehab.

Two months later Mrs. Foote was released with a clean bill of health, but now faced a new problem. She needed a new home. The Fairyland Department of Health had deemed her home to be a hazard and had ordered it be burned down. With winter coming on, she needed to find a new home and fast. But she didn’t need to worry long. Old Mother Hubbard, having taken in all 27 kids while Mrs. Foote was in rehab, had set up a charity fund to help pay for a new home. She had collected so much money that Gladys was able to buy a brand new pair of Uggs! That winter they were warmer than they had been in their entire lives. And they lived happily ever after.

The End

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